Reading Harley's words always motivates me to continue working on the marriage. I just read this off a christian store sight. Harley wrote in an interview about his books:

" You'd think that an affair would leave you crippled the rest of your life and it tends not to do that . The recovery of an affair leaves people with a much better understanding of each other and much more realistic approach to how their marriage is going to work. They end up being, in many cases, more in love with each other than they ever were before the affair. My website, www.marriagebuilders.com, is essentially a ministry to those that are having affairs. Almost 90% of the people that contact us are having affairs. We cover everything from who does the dishes and how to raise kids, the whole gamut of marital problems. But the one [issue] where people are coming to us in droves is the issue of infidelity, primarily because we're saving marriages where somebody's unfaithful.

The only way to really make your marriage safe and secure is to re-inject passion into it. It can be done and it is done all the time. It's done in my own marriage and it's done in the marriage of my kids.

You have all these people out there that will testify that it is something that can be sustained indefinitely and that's what gives people hope. They have the choice of either having this passionate affair or going back to this very boring relationship. I say those are not your choices. Your choices are a passionate relationship with somebody who is not the mother of your children, who will destroy you in every way, shape and form. Or [you can have a] passionate affair with the person who is the mother of your children, who will not only straighten out your marriage, but will straighten out every other area of your life. Those are your choices. Are you going to do something that will make you happy or do you want to do something that makes you miserable?

As I think about this, I know the right thing to do is continue to work on my marriage because finally H is reaching out and asking what can he do constantly. I find when this occurs I want to push him away. I want him to fight to have me back. I want to feel that he wants no other.


I want I want I want- I sound like a child in the candy store.

I am having trouble getting past these feelings of pain that keep occuring. Last night I dreamt that I was dying two different times and then I dreamt that normal mild mannered H got all these weird piercings and rebelled agaist the family. I woke up sick to my stomach and tired.

For the sake of my children, I need to do something! I am on edge, depressed, and sad with bursts of happy and loving. I know I should probaly go get some depression meds and a counselor, but I don't do medication and I have been hopelessly searching for a MC that is covered under our value options medical insurance. I have intereviewed two counselors who haven't counseled a single couple to happiness most less love.


I just would like to know how others of you began to feel better about your situation. OR is it that I am not patient and it will come. I have been working really hard to overcome this. My H has been doing his best. I think. He has difficulty making change. I think he realizes that I am who is here for him and have always been. I think he feels guilt, but has a hard time coming to terms with why the affair occured. When we reach a milestone, I expect more.

I guess I am waiting to begin recovery and start feeling like we are moving in the right direction, BUT the thing that is holding me back is my feelings of pain from the reason he had the affair. At first he said he didn't know why. Then it was because I was controlling and he was getting revenge, and now he says I was ocntrolling. I would admit this and go along with his thinking, but I was working on the control issue before he had the affair. Since August, I told him that he looked very depressed and kept asking him what it would take to get him back on track. He said it was that I never let him go anywhere. My response was that I was not in control of what he did and if he wanted to do something that he should do it because making himself happy would make everyone in the family happy.H said that when he would do something, I was not happy fo rhim. Basically he wants me to say "oh you want to leave me and the kids for the day to go ride motorcyles with a friend, you tell me at the last moment and never return when you say you will and I am supposed to greet you and be ecstatic when you arrive home. I am sorry I don't work like that. I said tell me a day or so in advance so I know to make other plans, atleast tell me within an hour when you will be home so I know whether to make dinner or not. And please call if you are going to be 4 hours late. H refuses to admit that I said things to negotiate. I have many letters documenting these emails I wrote him regarding his problem. In fact the only reason that H possible could have the affair was because I backed off so much, he had the freedom to be out till 2 am with her without me being controlling and saying I am not happy with this. I think the success of my new business and the decline of his body (heart and knee issues, and stress from some majjor problems in our life led him to want to get away from the stress and pain. I think that the OW did this for him. He said OW reminded him of me when we first met.

I am painfully stuck between leaving and getting away from the pain for awhile and working on things. H is at the point he could begin recoery with me, but I am not ready now.

When do you stop feeling the pain of the act and start moving forward with determination?

Try...

Prayer

I mean getting down on your hands and needs and asking for God's help in not only forgiving your husband but also restoring your marriage. You asked me what dieing to self was. Read the quote at the bottom of your messages, meditate on what that really means and ask yourself if you can do this. Above all be patient God has a plan for us all and it will be done in his time.

OAM

"When do you stop feeling the pain of the act and start moving forward with determination?"

When you are ready to. I know this sounds easier then it is.

I think there is a difference between forgiveness and getting a pound of flesh for the betrayal you have endured.

It clouds things in our mind and in the FWS mind. It is a fine line between asking for certain things because you want your M to be better and trying to punish the FWS by asking for certain things.

You are a victim in this but how you deal with it determines whether or not you will remain the victim.

I know that I need to focus on my quote. Some days I don't have the strength. I ask for patience and strength but nothing. I need to find it somewhere inside.

Posting this I was hoping to find some stories to inspire me. People who have overcome the pain of resentment and the A and have worked to make it.

I am tired of the day to day stuff that is making no difference. I need to move forward into recovery and begin to make a change in my marriage. I think that is the only way that I will find happiness. Seeing other happy I know will make me happy.

H has been making great efforts to be supportive and comforting. Really reaching out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He said to me on his birthday on Monday, "You and my sister were the only ones who even cared about my birthday." I think that this made him stop and realize who has always been here for him. I know I have been a good wife. I want to continue to be.

cfc- I so understand where you are coming from. You need to make it up in your mind that you will not let the pain and hurt dominant your world. Things of all the wonderful things you have! Two amazing kids for one, 2 & 5, that's great ages to laugh constantly! I'm sure you can come up with a list of things!

You are on the right track to begin with. You said it yourself "H has been making great efforts..."

I can teel you my low point with losing my mind and hitting H in a river of tears, screaming "I hate you, I hate what you've done to me!" That's not in my nature and I felt so bad. H never hit back, and was trying to hug me but I won't let him. I was so angry, i don't even remember all that I said. From that day forward, I came to realize that I determine my happiest. I can't depend on anyone else for that, others can contribute to the feeling, but it is solely me, who is responsible for that. I went as far as telling H this, and he clapped for me!

You have the choice to wallow in your misery or make that huge jump. In making that jump, I'm not saying push your feeling under the rug, you will be dealing with those feelings; however, in a healthier way.

I do truely think that you are moving in the right direection. It seems that H is wanting to do better, but you have to look back and look for the littiest things to see the positive. Just like the b-day statement! You cn bet he realized this!

CFC,

It takes time. Lots of it.

As you know the fog has to lift for you to think clearly. God after all of this time I am finally starting to become the person I once was.

I finally missed the person I once was and decided to find him again. Now that I have found myself I can decide what I want to do with my future.

In all of this you need to be a complete person. I have actually forgiven my FWW for the A unfortunately there is more then just that.

I know that no matter what I am myself again. I do not let this incident control me more then anything I have had to endure in my life.

Find yourself and then worry about everything else. It does not feel good wanting something and not getting it. It is easier to find something when you know what you are looking for. Decide what you are looking for then go find it.

For me the pain reaches deep as this is why my family fell apart growing up. My father and mother lied to me and detroyed my whole family. There has never been a period in my life that things were okay except with H. I felt H to be a person that I strived to be. I was a better person with him. Everything else had been lost. Finding the strength that I had before I met H is hard as I was at a point in my life that I couldn't be any stronger. Being strong requires a lot of effort, time, and support (most things I don't have now). I put all of myself into this. Nobody could hurt me. When I found H I open up everything and allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to create a relationship and a family. I try very hard to create the best family for my children. I did everything I could to protect them from pain. I tried to create an evironment that could not be ruined the way my life was. I cared so much for my children and H, I created a whole private school for them, dedicated my self as a SAHM, worked hard to be the perfect wife (making dinner, doing dishes, SF with every desire, giving in to my H's every want, affection constantly). I tried so hard I don't understand what went wrong. I don't want to sweep things under the rug and say it was all H, but at times I think for him it was the stress of the responsibilities in life that became too much. I would love to know the real reasons behind the A so that we don't correct the wrong reasons.

But this is not coming.

I feel I need to move forward so that I don't get stuck in a rut. If we begin recovery, maybe these answers will become clearer.

NC you said, "You have the choice to wallow in your misery or make that huge jump." I know this is the case. I have been always scared of jumping because I never land on my feet.LOL

Seriously, I need to know that H will be there to catch me or at least help repair the damage. If I jump to recovery and he is not there, I am scared I won't ever get back to feeling like I want to recover with him. My Love bank is almost completely empty!

I have no choice but to jump because sitting here on the edge does nothing but cause more withdrawls.

1, 2, 3.......RECOVERYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Well sometimes people jump out of a plane and the chute doesn't open and they actually survive. Really I have seen it on TV so it must be true.

Start with little jumps. You can jump from 5 feet and see if he catches you. If he does you can move up to ten feet.

I think I have said this to you before but I will again.

The A makes us all question our self worth. I know I did. If someone is willing to trade me in I must be damaged. Guess what she was trading in a porche for a yugo IMHO. Not a smart decesion if you ask me.

I was not and am not damaged. I am worth a lot period end of story. I know it the question is does she know it.

Now she might be trading in the porche for the bus. Not really a indicator of my self worth.

I have no difficulty with self-worth. I am 29, fairly attractive, I own my own 2 schools, I have my masters degree and am working on my doctorate, I have a great sense of humor, I am an amzing cook, I keep house like nobody's business, I have been told that SF is great (even during the A), and am generally well likes (but do have trouble with typing well LOL). I Don't need H but I think I want him.

When I told H the above he said you are not that pretty. I didn't care. I could have flocks of men if I wanted them and I didn't have two kids following me 24/7.


My only fault is maybe I am too cocky!? This self- drive is what has gotten me where I am.

YOu know what I am? I am the CJ-7 workhorse that keeps looking great after all the years, and still loves to get dirty and have fun. Do you know the one that was kept in the garage and still shines, but also gets you out in the snow and plows the roads and does it all with classic style?!

But you are definately right about little jumps. I will take my first tonight. Thanks for the motivation. SOmetimes that is all I need.

CFC

It sounds to me like you are already into recovery and you have just finished one of those low points on the rollercoaster and ready to head back up... that feels soooo much better when you are on the way up.

IMO, recovery is not about the marriage. Your recovery is about you, and your H's recovery is about him. Your relationship goes up and down during this recovery until you both are strong enough to stand on your own and face the rest of your lives together... not one leaning on the other, but side by side and sharing life together.

My own recovery took a huge leap forward when I finally got this point. I have held onto the belief that our purpose in life is to become "Christ like". But I was held back in my recovery because I kept measuring and looking at what my FWW was doing. Look at where you are now in relation to a year ago... not in relation to yesterday. I was ready to leave my W, not because of the A, but because I felt she was not doing enough to recover. Then the following ideas hit me... 1) it is a miracle where we are at in comparison to a year ago. 2) I've said that neither I nor any other man can make my W happy... but I forgot to take the same advice... my W can't make me happy. 3) My recovery is about me... to become more loving, compassionate, confident, patient, etc. It doesn't matter what my W does. Eventually I will be in a place where I am truly happy with my W or on my own. 4) If my W is giving to me and loving me the best she can right now than that should be enough... like the parable when the poor woman gave her last coin... it was worth more in God's eyes than the rich men giving their abundant tithe.

In reading the book Tough Love, it talks about how we try to hold onto our partner which causes them to back away. When we, ourselves, give space and back away, our partner may then move back towards us. It sounds a little like this is happening. You were waiting for recovery and trying, but your H was not receptive. Now you are backing away but you say your H is moving toward you and ready to start. Find some middle ground.

Also, along the same idea, I believe we fight hard when we feel we have to, but when the momentum changes the other way and the spouse starts coming around, we often relax our fight and start to feel that it is now our turn to hurt, our turn for sympathy, our turn to be fought for.

What your feeling is very normal, I think. Keep working on yourself. You know that you are a valuable, worthy person. Believe that, regardless of what your H does.

Patience

Shaden

Sh, YOur last two paragraphs definately sum up my feelings. I need more patiences and have been praying for it. Yesterday I sent H a link to the POJA and an email. he said he read most of my letter and will finish it today. He apologized for having all this baggage from the A he was hoping the A would make our marriage better in that he wanted a enlightenment to how important his family really is. he said he was taking us for granite. A new wolrd opened up when I told him that all of these things doesn't justify having an affair . It made him think (thanks HL) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />


My big Q of the day is what if in POJA I don't enthusiatically agree to him leaving me to go to a bar? Will he never be able to do this? What if he won't agree to this? Maybe if he doesn't agree he isn't the right person for me because he is not willing to protect me.

CFC

I feel the pain of Squids affair every day and I press on hard into recovery every day. They are not mutual exclusives.

I have no 'trick' to managing resentment. My own comes and goes, lessening each time.

What I have done is realised that whether i hurt or not, weep or not, cry or not over Squids affair the fact of sits there mutely , unmovably in history. The fact is immutable.

Its unfair that it happened ? YES ! Did I deserve it ? NO ! Is squid very sorry for it ? YES. Is our life livable now ? YES. So in that context while I can;t choose to hurt, maybe for ever, I CAN choose how to respond to it. And I try now to concentrate on the days as they come unencumbered by historical context. If we have a good day, its a GOOD DAY , notmitigated because Squid had an affair. If we have a bad day its a BETTER DAY than I had during and just after her affair. These are facts, not self delusion.

Its like an olympic medallist winning a gold medal then saying " yes but I lost four previous races so I can't enjoy this". I want to celebrate my gold medals. Heck, even my bronze ones !

I am learning to be content with my life as it unfolds, while I do all i can to make it better. I have also released the vain hope that there exists a 'recovery' end state that is perfect: no hurt, only joy. By releasing this hope I am no longer disappointed by my own recovery progress. if we DO achieve a blissful recovered state it will be a blessing not an assured expectation.

In summary, take the undefended gut punch of your wifes affair like a man. Then get up and walk on unbowed, enjoying each step you're not being punched.

I have been accusd of negativity in this attitude , but over two years I have waled every line from pessimism to wild optimism and this is the one that feels most real and sustainable to me.

my life is forever polluted by the fact of my baby's affair but she is not having one now and I have permission to rejoice in that.

Hope this helps

CFC,

I put the POJA thing into my own feelings on another thread and here it is.

"POJA. You know I have been thinking a lot about this lately and I have personally come to my own way of thinking about this. It is not entirely possible.

Two people will at times be unable to enthusiastically(sp) agree on an issue. Someone will end up "getting their way" for lack of a better term.

For instance I want a four door coup my FWW wants an SUV. I will never enthusiastically agree to the SUV and she will never enthusiastically agree to a four door coup. What I think happens next is someone gets "their way" No sense in getting a wagon and neither one of you being enthusiastic about it. What someone has to chose to do is agree to agree with the other persons decesion. I am not agreeing to the decesion itself.

Now it is the person who "got their way" to accept any consequences involved with their decesion and own them. In my example if we bought the SUV and gas prices go up(and we really can't afford the extra cost) and that was one of the reasons I did not enthusiastically agree my FWW now has to own up to the consequences and do what is necessary to insulate me from the consequences.

In my M alot of times I agreed to agree with her decesion. I did not agree to the decesion itself and my FWW has chosen to ignore the consequences."

As to him going out to a bar I do not believe that has anything to do with POJA. It is really a boundry issue. You set the boundry and he needs to decide if wants live within that boundry.

This is not a place to agree to agree to their decesion. I do not believe anyone should be punitive about what they let the FWS do. Ask yourself if it really bothers you because of the A or are you trying to punish him.

You can even set boundries if he does go out with the guys. IE be home by 9pm and call me every hour and since I don't want you drinking and driving I will drop you off and pick you up. This is freedom but limited freedom. Not saying do it just a thought.

"By releasing this hope I am no longer disappointed by my own recovery progress. if we DO achieve a blissful recovered state it will be a blessing not an assured expectation." I guess I can agree with this, but I think that I stay only to know that our marriage will be better than before. If my H is not willing to make our marraige like this and he will continue to be unhappy or likewise for me, I will not stay. I love my husband dearly and know that he needs to be happy. Likewise, I need to be happy. FOr this to work we both need to have a happy marriage not just for us, but for my children.

SO I will not-
"take the undefended gut punch of your wifes affair like a man. Then get up and walk on unbowed, enjoying each step you're not being punched. " - mostly because I am not a man, but also because I will turn my check and not focus on the action that has occured, but in turn defend myself against this type of thing ever happening again. The only way I see to do this is to turn my marriage into a marriage with passion.

I agree with the other poster that stated that you sounded like you were already in recovery.

You mentioned Aug. and my own husbands EA was confirmed 8-20.

So I am thinking that we are somewhere in the same ball park as far as how long we have been at this plan of trying to recover our marriages.

You say that your spouse is trying to help you recover. I am curious if you both have filled out the EN Questionaire?

You are not going to be satisfied, if what he is doing is not what makes you happy.

For example, if your husband enjoys eating chocalate icecream, and you on the other hand enjoy eating white cake but have never told him this is your favorite, and he wants to do something that makes you happy and because in his mind chocalate icecream would be something that makes him happy, he comes home with a gallon of chocalate icecream for you and proudly hands it over to you, thinking that he has given you something that shows his love for you.

Now you accept this icecream, but are secretly disappointed because he should have known that white cake is your favorite and as a result of him not offering you what is your very favorite, he has lost the ability to ring up the love points that he would have if he had come home and given you the wonderful white cake that you absolutely love.

Nature and living with a spouse does not give each other the ability to see magically what the other wants and needs to make them happy. That is where the EN questionaire comes into play.

Armed with the knowledge of what your husbands most important emotional needs are, you have the ability to help your spouse fall in love with you all over again by filling his EN's listed in the order of importance, as well as know what habits or lovebusters take away points from the lovebank.

Now back to feeling resentful and recovery.

I agree that his going out without you to a bar is a boundry point for you.

Especially if this is a place you worry that he will be put into a situation that might lead him into another affair.

My husband and I both have an agreement we will not do the bar scene.

Is your husband being transparent in his comings and goings as well as phone and email usage?

Is he spending 15 hours or more a week with you?

I know at ten months since dd, he was feeling that he would never get to the point where he could go somewhere without me questioning his motives or without me.

Me, I was also tired of getting a response that he thought he was EXPECTED to give, that was often given in a resentful manner.

I told him that I expected nothing of him that he did not want to give cheerfully and without resentment and only if he truly wanted to give.

He explained to me, he wanted to have the ability to go to the store without me asking him if it was ok if I went with him. Now for me, I would ask because this was one of his biggest complaints while involved in the affair of not wanting me to go places with him, so I thought I was considering his feelings when asking him this.

This all came out when I questioned his CA and sensed his resentment through unsaid body language.

I asked him what would make him feel more comfortable. He then said that it would be nice if I wouldn't ask to go places with him, but would wait for him to ask me.

I agreed with him. Being human, he tested my word out right away, going places I would have loved to have had joined him and other family members. He spent that weekend with other family members and didn't include me in his plans. He took my grandson to the see an airshow at the local air force base one day, and the other day he spent the day shooting with my son and his friend. Since he was with family, I know he was where he said he was going to be. The old me would have made him pay for going out without him by giving him the cold shoulder or making a sarcastic remark later. I surprised him by treating him warmly, geniunely happy listening to the wonderful time that he and our grandson had at the airshow.

I passed his test.

A funny thing happened though after that weekend without me.

His resentment melted away, he became more affectionate and you could see his gratitude he felt for me.

Since then, he has spent every evening cuddling with me and his moods are far from the moody ways he had been in the previous weeks.

He still accounts for his time, but he has now shown a more relaxed loving manner when relating to me.

Anyway I just wanted you to know that each month our marriage improves a little bit more, but each improvement comes with a price of having to reach outside our comfort zone of CA and question what is bothering us, even though, temporarily there will be those touchy moments of conflict that take a toll on our lovebanks.


Best wishes always,
k.d.'s Heartbreak

HL,

"For instance I want a four door coup my FWW wants an SUV. I will never enthusiastically agree to the SUV "- HOw about a SUT like an outback or the new jeep compass? LOL. I know that was not your point.

I realize what you are saying is eventually somonee has to give in to the other. I don't think that is right. I think you keep on working at a compromise until it is what both like. SO for you you would never buy a new car until something came out that you both really liked. I think Harley is trying to say that instead of just giving in and one being unhappy, you must be patient to wait for a solution that is fitting for both. H never wanted a mini-van until he realized that we could take five people skiing and use our van for carrying lumber because the seats fold flat. We now drive a van and everyone is happy.

Up untill this point a lot of the times he wants to go out and Me coming along is not an option. Like we are both home haven't seen each other all week, but he wants to go out with a few friends and leave me sitting at home. I don't think that I would want to go all the time, but just being told that I am not wanted to join them drives me crazy. WHY not, do you have something to hide? Do you not want to be with me for another reason? Something isn't right about it. I would take H whereever and when ever he wants. Just putting up the wall and being told I am not allowed to go with him or do stuff makes me upset. It is not," because of the A or that I am trying to punish him." It is just that I don't feel that he cares when he says I can't go and I am just sitting at home with no plans." I guess the guy I dated before H had got me in the routine of always being able to go where ever I wanted with him. I was the chick that all the guys hung out with because I was fun. My previous BF never said you can't come because it is just for the guys. But in the same note I didn't feel like I had to go because therr was nothing to hide. I could go for awhile and leave or I could stay home or I could go do whatever I wanted to do. I just don't understand if you love someone why you would ever not want them to share having fun? If the option was always there to have an invitation to where ever he went I would feel better. I probaly wouldn't even want to go. It is just a thing. When my H was in the USMC, he would let me come to visit him at work. He was gone for 48 hours, I was in a place I knew no one and I would sit at home cleaning house, exercsing with the dog, watching TV , or calling my friends who were 10 hours away. He never wanted me to meet other wives, never wanted me to go to his work like the other wives who brought their Hs dinner, never would let me go to dance clubs with friends I eventualy met. Who was controlling then? He seems to forget about all of this at any mention of the fact. I sacrificed for him and he forgets. Of course I have no regrets (well maybe a few after d-day, and occasionally now that things are bad, but that is it.LOL)bc I loved him.

Hi CFC. Sorry I got the gender wrong. * blush * that' Knee jerk posting for ya.

You said I stay only to know that our marriage will be better than before.

Thats a whole debate right there.

Define 'better' ?

My marriage now has more mutual appreciation than ever. More tolerance than ever. Better negotiation and communication than ever. Is more affair proof than ever.

So is it BETTER ?

In my opinion a marrige is BETTER after recovery only if what the spouses gain from recovery is valued more highly than what was lost in the affair.

This is not the case for me, but that doesn't mean my life is unhappy. What I was trying to articulate is that the state I believed was attainable to anyone who achieved recovery - where the affair becomes just another important life event in a strong marriage - does not arrive for everyone.

And its a punch to the gut whether man or woman. Just that MY woman would kick back ! ( she's a karate champ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) all blessings

CFC,

Again it is my opinion that POJA is not always possible. You used the word compromise well that in itself shows it was not enthusiastic agreement. Again in my opinion if you can't agree then you agree to let them make this decesion. At some point they will agree to let you make the decesion as well. If when I agreed to your decesion and it works out great cool. If it doesn't I really don't want to deal with the consequences of your decesion. That is all I am saying.

I have no problem letting my wife have red curtains and a red comforter. Did I agree that is what I wanted. Heck no I would have my room painted with pinstripes and a yankee logo over the bed. I don't think she would agree with that. If I can't have that I don't care what our room looks like. LOL. But if she wants white cotton sheets and I say they will not last because we have two kids and a cat and that turns out to be true then she will deal with washing them everyother day not me.

The guy before your H...Hmmm that is interesting. Can't figure out why just yet but it is. You should think about that too.

As far as him not wanting you to go. I think you are reading into a little too much.

I don't want my FWW around when I play poker. Not for any other reason then I am not going to pay her one ounce of attention. Why bring her or ask her when I will only be focusing on the cards and my oppenants. If he shoots pool, or plays darts or has a farting contest when he goes out with them he will not be paying attention to you. So why bring you if he knows that. Hey CFC you wanna come and watch me have a farting contest with the guys. Not gonna pay much attention to you but maybe it would be fun for you to watch.

I know my FWW has asked me to tag along with her and a friend to the mall. She didn't want me to go and I did not want to go. I always say why ask when you know you don't want me to go. She said I don't want to be rude. I think it is ruder to ask someone to go somewhere you know they are not wanted have them go then ignore them. Just MHO.

My husband and I both have an agreement we will not do the bar scene. - wish we did too most of H's frined are young and single.

Is your husband being transparent in his comings and goings as well as phone and email usage? YES YES YES thank god!

Is he spending 15 hours or more a week with you? no madatory over time is killing us along with lack of time for the kids.

thanks for asking ifd you think about it things are going the way they should it just will take time. Until then I guess I will continue to listen to stories like yours to inspire me. It helps to know other are going through the same thing.

By the way I have let him go without me and have been warm, but he chooses to not see these things. he wants to be mad at me right now. I think with time this will fade. Cross your fingers fro me. thanks!

I don't know where the last post went to but it wasn't for this thread.sorry!

BOb, Better- passionate about each other! In love again- you know all the things posted on the home page of MB. DO you have that? Do you think you will get there? I hope so otherwise you will feel like you are recovering.JMO

HL, "a yankee logo over the bed." but you won't move back to NY?LOL you know you could see more games lol.


"The guy before your H...Hmmm that is interesting. Can't figure out why just yet but it is. You should think about that too. "- regrettingly enough I will share with you that when my H left (abandoned us) for a weekend in MArch, I immediately called the ex bf (bad move I know!), but my rationale was not to hook up, but to find out if this was typical behavior that I diplayed in all my relationships. My X was astounded that I called. We both had a good time reveling in our old glory, and then I realized bc I was reading SAA that I was almost having a EA. Point blank that ended all discussions with X. I even wrote him the NO COntact letter- of course he was like what is going on? bc he is recently married and didn't think anything of our conversation. I realized though how filled our love bank was and went onmy way. I told my H that I had an EA he about fell over laughing saying EA wha tis that? I don't believe in that. I think he would have thought different if I told him who it was, buthe didn't want to know. He said I would never do what he did. SO ANYWAYS, I know I haven't repeated the same things. What were your thoughts of BF.

I hate to admit this, but I really have not really had any girlfriends that I enjoyed to be with ever! I shoots pool and can beat H, and I enjoy playing darts. I love doing guy stuff. I hate conversation about petty things, and shoes and who said what to who that why I hate hanging out with girls. When H and I met he was extremely jealous of my X and my guy frineds he ask that I have no more contact with them. No problem. I needed to make new friends, but seeing as I dont' jive with the gals, I didn't have too many friends. In the USMC I had all of his buddies so if they all went out and H didn't want to take me something was weird. TO sum it up it isn't that he doesn't ask me, he outright says you can't come. that s#&%s!