My name is Drew. I'm experiencing the feeling of loss. My wife moved out of our place three weeks ago. She claimed to need time and space to figure out whether or not she wanted to put in the effort to fix our relationship. Things started going sour about a year ago when i suffered a very bad shoulder injury at work. I think she started to resent the fact that she had no personal space at home because whenever she came home whether it was at night, during the day, a weekend, weekday, I was there. And she did take care of me during this very tough time but it created a distance between us and unfortunately that distance became intimate too. I've started seeing a counsellor and it has helped me but I'm hoping my wife will eventually go too.We had dinner together last week and it went fairly good i think. I miss her ever so much, it tears at my heart. I want to tell her that if i can take steps to better myself and figure out who i am and what i want then there is no reason why we cant do that for our relationship too, but I don't want to force that issue. I hope someone can offer some help and/or advice.
Drew22 (heartbroken)

fear of the unknown multiple choice
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Votes accepted starting: 06/20/06 03:55 PM
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Oh, Drew...I think you should edit the survey out of your post...did it inadvertently get into your sigline? I saw your other post, and I know your pain...I believe your own thread would be great...like this one (sans survey)...how about in a different forum?

My suggestion is for the Infidelity General Questions II forum...it has the most traffic. You only had one flag in your post, about the needing space to figure stuff out...however, even if there isn't infidelity present in your marriage, GQII is where you can get the most advice, and find out one way or the other...it's an important factor.

You've already got a jump on changing your life...IC (individual counseling), looking at your part of the marriage (which is half...only what you control) and your goal to save it...rebuild a great marriage.

You've identified the too much UA (undivided attention time) as a probable factor, too...have you read all the articles on this website? Basic Concepts? Dr. Harley's links are to the right of your screen...

I would advise Plan A...which you've already started...to show your changes to your wife. It also requires snooping and exposing, if she is in an affair...could be online, not in person...might be just on her part, in her head...doesn't have to be what you might expect. When things get rough, like over this past year, humans can choose to seek fantasy versus reality...and you've identified her possible resentment from being in her space, 24/7...so mental escape (which is what affairs are) might fit the bill.

I don't know.

I know you're hurting, feeling your loss...and fighting for your marriage...is that correct?

You're in the best place possible...only in a low-traffic forum.

It's not you...it's the place.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

LA,

Thank you so much for your generous reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to send me your thoughts. I will take your advice on posting this in a different forum. Things are about the same since my last posting. We have talked a few times and I've seen her a couple of times but she is still in the process of being on her own and even though that pains me, I'm not going to chase her around anymore.The ball is in her court and I just hope she makes the right decision. It' still very lonely for me, especially the nights. And it's not that I want her to suffer but I hope that she feels lonely too and misses me too. Anyways thank you again for the feedback and feel free to be in touch again. Sincerely,

Drew Findlay.

I'll look for your cut and pasted post over on GQII...

No chasing is a good thing...what books are you reading about relationships? These can help greatly...what books does your IC recommend?

The proverbial ball is a red herring...

Yeah. Like that makes sense.

Lemme explain...I interpret that cliche as meaning the control, the choice is in the other person's hands...and guess what? Thinking that doesn't change truth...

You have your choices. She has her choices. Neither of you can make the other do anything, feel anything or believe anything.

Human impossibility.

She chooses. You choose.

Your choice is not to chase...pursue...put yourself in her presence by phone, email or person, is that correct?

Books, self-care and meditation are great ways to be alone without being lonely. The less you feel lonely will have no bearing on her missing you or being lonely. You are separate and equal human beings...in all ways...I promise...God made all of us...wonderfully so, whole and complete...getting back to that most basic truth takes some work...worth the trip.

May I suggest you remove your last name from your last post? Part of the growth of being on this board, I believe, comes from anonymity...because many of us have to practice being open and honest (O&H) about all of ourselves...thoughts, feelings and beliefs...and those become a record. You might reduce your freedom by being searchable on an internet engine...with this information at hand.

How do you like that for pushy? Move your post! Remove your name! Buck up! Read! Go inward! Carry on!

LOL

Yeah, I really got a handle on the control freak part of me.

LOL

LA

Hi again LA,

Still seperated but really working on myself and trying to let her come to her own conclusions. I've layed it on the line as far as what I want, so the ball is pretty much in her court. I just hope she wants to work it out. Still miss her ever so much and long for her more than ever. I hope all is well with you.
D.