I need some help with dealing with my situation....Please help me find the answers...I had an A which produced an OC, my H and I divorved 1 year ago May, we couldn't get past what happened but have a bttr realtionship then we have had in years,...My brother and his wife divorced in April this year of after only 2 years marriage total. During this time my ex went to my sisterinlaw for help in dealing with my affair and how my brother would cope....5 years ago i suspected some behavior between x and sisterinlaw...I've been shunned by my brother for feeling this way and my x says nothing happened. My x is a very noble, moral, goodman, he does so much still for me and the OC but here's the problem...he know wants to date my exsisterinlaw and because we (the x) have such a great relationship he wants me to respect his decision, how can I do that when I am still so much in love with him? I think it's inaapropriate, not right, I know what I did was wrong, but it doesn't make thier relationship right...she is my daughters auntie and now she's dating daddy only two months after her divorce to my brother????I believe they wanteed both marriages to fail so that they could be 2gether. My x and I have had lengthy discusions about it, I say there are still boundaries you don't cross...he wants me to give him a reason besides it being inappropriate...i can't..it's just I don't want them 2gther...this weekend he wants to take her to a wedding with our daughter...this is just making me so sick what do I do, what do I say, please help me..I'm desperate to end this new found friendship/love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

(how can I do that when I am still so much in love with him?) AND! (I'm desperate to end this new found friendship/love) WOW!..(I say there are still boundaries you don't cross..)

I WOULD READ THIS REPONSE OVER AND OVER....and then try...

LET GO AND LET GOD

Try reading the "purpose driven life" by Rick Warren. 40 chapters in 40 days. I'm on my second "40"...All you need to know about the book, is the first sentence in the 1st chapter..." it's not about you"

Let me know how it changes your life.

I am sad that so many have read my post but have no advice but one...I am desperate to move forward with my life but it is so difficult because my A began because I thought my x was having one with my sisterinlaw, and now everything that is happening I think just justifies that I am right...I know that I made a really bad choice to have an affair I accept responsibility for that, but please help me give him an answer except that it's wrong, help me give him a reason...help me make him understand what I mean...

thanks for responding agoodplace4love, I don't understand why you quoted and said WOW! are you telling me I shouldn't be trying to end their relationship? I'm unsure please fill me in, I have read through it over and over and I'm just not getting it maybe to much is in my head...I can't think anymore...
PS I have thought about reading the book you mentioned, someone else once told me that...I'm looking into it Thanks

NOTHING justifies an A! Until you realize that, you have NO chance with your X.

I agree that relationship seems like it would create problems and is a rebound for both. If he wants a reason, tell him the reason. [color:"blue"]You would be hurt and feel that it would be confusing to child. But most importantly, you love him. [/color] However, be sure you really love him and are not just being jealous of SIL. Stick to honesty, rather than petty things to break them up.

That’s a tough one. Essentially, I would say you need to “Let go and let God.” It’s a huge leap of faith to let God take care of it. But, what else can you do? You are divorced. Your X does not seem to want you back.

I agree that when Daddy dates Auntie Ant there’s trouble brewing. For many of us, it seems to cross the incest taboo. Socially, these taboos go way beyond blood connections as you can see at the public disgust when Woody Allen married his former ward. Gross.

However, you have no power and little influence. If the two of them were emotionally involved before their respective marriages ended, you still won’t have influence or power to stop them. Nor should you because you are divorced.

And if you had an affair because you thought your husband was having an affair, you may still have some maturing to do. I can think of a few mitigating circumstances for an affair, but they all involve a high level of abuse, and they are still WRONG. (I know ‘cause I had an EA)

Now, I’d like to make a suggestion. I suggest you stay away from your X. I know you still love him, but you are heading for drama, trauma, and heartache if you stick around to watch this mess with X Sister-in-law (SIL) unfold. SIL shouldn’t be dating after just two months, she’s not got her feet on the ground. Your X probably shouldn’t either since he’s playing both sides of the fence with you. Add to that the mixed loyalties you’ll have between your X whom you love and your brother whom you love, and you are in a no-win situation. See what I mean?

Staying away is hard, but not impossible, and it gets easier and easier.

Your post is vague on some points, which is why I haven’t responded earlier.
The facts which I understand are:

*you thought your ex was having an A with SIL five years ago (before she married your brother)
*even your brother (apparently) believes this is faulty thinking, since he’s “shunned” you.
*it is wonderful that your ex is “doing things for you and OC”
*your ex asked you for reasons why he should not date this woman, other than it seems inappropriate
*you still haven’t come to terms with your divorce


Here are some questions for you:
What does your brother think about your ex dating HIS ex?

Is your brother still “shunning” you? What does the rest of your family think of this?

Have you told your ex that you still have feelings for him? Did you have any marriage counseling while you were together?

What is your marriage/separation/divorce timeline?

What is your age, and do you have children with your ex?

[color:"blue"] FB [/color] also said something you need to think about - do you really love your ex, or are you just jealous? It seems that jealousy may be a pattern in your life, since that was one of the things that provoked your “A” in the first place.

[color:"blue"] GG [/color] and others offered great advice - you REALLY do need to let go. You are no longer married to this man. This may be a consequence of your actions, or a combination of other things, as in many cases. But the fact is, you’re not married and he is not accountable to you any more. You are obsessing over something that is out of your control, and it will affect your life in a very negative way.

Thank You for all your advice, sorry I haven't rsponded, I just wanted you to know he said then he was only gonna take Auntie to the wedding after 4 hours of mediation and 1 hour phone call then the day of the wedding and another 1 hour phone call he said he is taking DD only and that he relized what I was trying to say.

However during mediation he said our arrangements when we have her were fine but Monday he suddenly says hey we can do every other weekend now or how about I take her on Sundays becuase I don't work on Monday...the wounds still fresh from last week I don't trust him. I think for him havinf primary placement he knows I have her more then he does.......God Bless everyone...I'm reading a book called Change your Mind Change your Life...it's about attitudinal healing...letting go and letting God....PS I really do love my exH, I never stopped, there may be some jealousy but only becuase there realtionship has been built for the last 5 years and shouldn't have during our marriage. Bye for now Thanks again