I just found out that my husband of 1 and half years has been cheating on me. We have a one year old son. I had been feeling that something was wrong for the past 2 months and i have noticed that his cellphone has now been off-limits to me. I confronted him on the last week of May prior to our son's birthday and he said he was not in love with me anymore but didn't admit that he was cheating on me.

After that admission, i was mad and hurt at first, but i took the mature way and acknowledged that all marriages go thru bad patches. I told him i could accept his loss of affection as long as no 3rd party was involved. Then i asked him if he was willing to work on the marriage and that we could get some counseling or marriage encounter sessions. He said he was but not just now. SO i tried giving him space. And i still continued being sweet and caring to him.

First week of June, he was due for a business trip and he said that he was going straight to his mother's place after the business trip (my MIL lives in another city). I expected him back that Monday but he didn't come home. He did call up asking about our son who was sick. The next day Tuesday morning he still did not arrive and i called my MIL to ask if he was able to catch a trip home. MIL informed me that he was never there that whole weekend. We also were able to place together events when he last went home to MIL when he said they (MIL, him and his brother) went to relatives, when in fact he went to another city. The city where the OW lived.

That afternoon, he called me maybe when he flew in and i told him he was not welcome to go home. We have been living apart ever since. For almost 3 weeks.

I have so far gotten him to sign a memorandum of agreement for financial support and i told him i wanted full custody of our son with NO visitation rights from him. He has grudgingly agreed to the no visitation condition since i made a convincing case that a child needs a father that is a good role model and not just a sperm donor. I also told him a want a clean break for me and my son. I gave him the option if he wanted to come back to us that he would be the one to make that decision. If he really wanted to separate, then he could file for annulment and that he should not ever make me look bad in the annulment papers. ( we live in a country where there is no divorce and annulment is the only accepted means for wanting out of a marriage).

Background on him: He has cheated on almost all his girlfriends (i think on all) and we even broke up prior to him asking me to marry when he was in a 3-month business trip and he had a relationship with another woman. He even told me during that breakup that there was no more hope for us and he didn't love me anymore. When he got back from that trip, i showed him that i could live without him and he soon was begging for me to take him back. He even apologized to my friends for his behavior. He is a product of a broken marriage. His parents separated when he was in high-school. I took him back because when we were talking and he was asking for forgiveness, i asked him if he could abandon any kid he would have just like his father abandoned them. He said he didn't want any kid of his growing up like he did. But then it seems that even the prospect of his son (whom he professes to love) growing up just like him did not deter him from cheating and breaking his marriage vows.

My question is does he deserve a second chance? We have since met once (last weekend) since i learned of his infidelity and we also chat occassionally. He says he is not ready to come back since he has no assurance that he will not repeat his despicable behavior. I told him i would not beg for him to come back even if my son needs his father, since i want him to realize by himself how impt we are to him. He says he is willing to undergo therapy but he doesn't want to face it just now. I even gave him links to MB so he could read articles on ENs and LB's and how to survive infidelity.

I know it has been only 3 months or more since the affair started and i have been doing Plan A for only a week or so before i learned of an affair. Also i didn't know of Plan A and Plan B since yesterday although i have stumbled into this site since last week. I have been on Plan B for 3 weeks and sometimes i already feel like giving up. Should i wait for his decision or should i just pick up the broken pieces and move on? He has cheated on me twice! This is far worse since we are already married and have a son! He doesn't even know what he wants. I have tried putting myself in his shoes. He said he couldn't stop himself. I know he's sick. Sick emotionally and psychologically. He is still affected by his childhood, being abandoned by his dad. Btw, his dad (FIL) and he are chummy-chummy now but i know deep inside his heart, he still carries deep anger, resentment and even hate for his father. I read a diary entry he made several years ago when he said that: "i hate my father so much. Everytime i look at him, i want to punch him in the face for what he did to us". I feel his hurt. But i don't want him hurting my son the same way.

There are still so much i want to post and i will but i just want to know what others in this message board think.

What should i do? Please reply anyone...

Your post suggests that your H is not very eager to end his affair and work on recovery of his marriage. Your post also suggests that you are willing to end your marriage but just not sure if you should. If you have followed Plan A and Plan B as outlined in the following article and the affair still continues, then according to the article on this website, http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html,
"In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations.", the answer is clear.

THE SCORPION AND THE FROG

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

so it seems like people here recommend i get an annulment... i gave him that choice to make but it seems like i have to do it.

WH says that he is not in contact with that woman anymore. But many say here that when spouses are in an A, they are usually liars plus of course he has been telling really big lies since this all started so i don't think it'd be very intelligent of me if i beleived him.

What i don't get is how come he is absolving OW of the blame. He says that she (OW) says that he should stay with us, his family. I don't buy that crap. if the OW really cared about the family she is breaking up, then she would stop all calls and text messages to him altogether. But no, i have known for quite some time that she is the one who calls him and keeps in touch with him. Should i get in contact with her and tell her to lay off my WH? Or should i just not stoop to her level? I don't know what to do about this.

My MIL, she wants a reconciliation for us. She doesn't want me to end up like her, separated from her husband. She may be coming in town next week and she says she wants to talk to the 2 of us (WH and me).

My parents on the other hand have kind of accepted imminent annulment as long as i have my son. But they said that they are also not closing their doors. They know nothing is impossible with God and only God can change his nature.

When we talked he said that he wants to change but he is not ready to face it yet. I know he is still in the fog. But until how long? I only want to move on. I only want a clear future for my son and I. I want to know if he will be in our future or not. This state of limbo is killing me!

Right now my prayer to God is His will be done and not my will or my wants.

Should i then tell him that i want an annulment? It takes several years for an annulment to be granted and sometimes it isn't even granted. I just want my freedom back, my single status so i could completely move on without shackles of a former marriage gone bad.

I am still also confused.

If anyone has been thru this before, please help. I just feel so confused...

It still sounds as if neither of you are willing to commit to the recovery of your marriage. No-one can make that decision for either of you. Once you commit to the recovery, it will be a long hard road (you have only gotten a taste of it and you are ready to give up), so please consider what you are really prepared to do.

I am willing to commit to a marriage recovery. Please don't get me wrong. It's just that i feel i can not do it alone. And i am afraid that he is a serial cheater not unless he will admit and accept the root cause of his problem. And yes, he has to find God because any change he may have in his life is only temporary not unless he knows God intimately.

I also feel very bad when he says that he has no feelings for me. I know that he really loved me before. Most of my friends would even comment on how lucky i was since my husband obviously loved me. But now... i don't know.

My world has obviously turned inside out.

I think there is a lot of hope for your marriage. I hope you will post on General Questions, where there is more traffic.

You have a child together, so you need to make a huge effort to save your marriage. If he is still in contact with the other woman, he won't have feelings for you. That is perfectly normal for a WS.

Please take your time and think about this. Forget the annulment for now. You need to wait, and try the MB plan (starting with Plan A) for many months.

It was a mistake to have him leave, but don't worry about that right now.

so do u think i should ask him to move in again with me (so i could implement Plan A again? i think he wants to move in, but then he vacillates because he says he is ashamed of what he did. yeah right he is ashamed that i found out (including his mother and my family) but he wasn't ashamed living with me and knowing that he was committing adultery.

also i want him to undergo full STD testing before i consent to living with him again. plus there really are no therapists that i know of in our country. not like in the US where there are lots of psychologists who practice counseling. he says he wants to undergo counseling for himself. and i do beleive he needs to get in touch with the child that his father left. i even encouraged him to talk to his father. but he won't. coz he's a coward. and he needs his father now. he didn't even tell his father how come we're living apart. he just said that we were not in good terms and that it was his fault. See how much he denies reality? Of course his father can not act righteous and tell him to go back to his family since he himself left his family.

i asked him if he was happy with us, his family prior to all these happenings and he said he was. but he couldn't control himself. how's that for a reason?

i try so hard to understand and i keep praying for patience. but i just want a specific course of action to take now. Not just wait and wait for him to lift out of the fog.

See if he will write a no contact letter to the other woman. It should say that he made a big mistake, loves you, and wants to work on his marriage. He should tell her he never wants any contact with her again for any reason. After he writes it, you mail it.

he doesn't love me. he told me himself that his feelings have not come back for me and it would be unfair if he moved back home and he didn't love me. i told him that i still love the man i married, the good kind decent man not the one who has caused all the pain. i told him maybe it was the guilt that makes it hard for me to reach him. but he said it's not. and to think i have always tried hard to treat him in a loving manner even during those times when i was mad at him. i know it's the FOG! but man, when does the FOG CLEAR UP? i don't think him moving out has made him hit rock bottom.

all the signs say i should give up. i am just so confused right now. plus i don't know what's up with him and OW. i know the affair will die down sooner or later but then what? i keep thinking of the time when he will realize how much my son and i mean to him, but would that be enough for him to want to come back? Or would shame or guilt make him stay away?

and my MIL is planning to talk to him. but would that just drive him away and make him resent me? i am not putting up MIL to talk to him. in fact i even told him many times, it was never my intention to have someone take up the cudgels for me. but MIL does not want the marriage to break up. and i totally understand her. she doesn't want what happened to her, to happen to me.

my son keeps me sane now. but what an insane world this has become <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

i just talked to him on ym. he does not want to send a NC letter? Fog? you bet. but he wants time. but then prior to me suggesting a no contact letter, he offerred reconciliation and a move to another country in case he gets accepted to a job he applied for. i don't know things are so confusing.

i want to work on the mariage but he's not helping or he's still in the fog! HELP PLEASE!!!

i can't plan A him when we're already living apart. most i can do is try to talk nice on ym.

it just hurts so much. i hurt for my son most of all. he deserves a father...