Pre-nupts

I thought I’d start a thread about Pre-nupts because it’s such an interesting topic. Many of us hope to get remarried. Even I find my aversion to Marriage is lessening. I don’t feel sick to my stomach as the sight of a bride any more, although I do get nauseous at the thought of wearing a wedding ring or saying “I do” personally.

Anyway, I had a pre-nupt. The only reason I got one was because my family has a business that my great-grandfather started. I also have brothers and sisters, and we wanted to protect them and the company.

I thank my lucky stars for that pre-nupt. While married, it meant I could leave my money entirely in trust for my children, when normally, B would have gotten half no matter what my will stated. Since B. is atrocious at handling money, this was very important. Divorcing it meant my house was mine and B’s business was his.

HOWEVER, I know first hand that keeping entirely separate finances is a receipt for disaster, if not divorce. B and I kept everything completely separate because of Situation X. This division allowed each of us to function as individuals instead of as a team, and it masked a LOT of big problems. I sincerely believe the problems in my marriage were so huge nothing could have saved it. But, when the problems are smaller and fewer, it’s important to be able to see them immediately in order to deal with them before they get huge.

A pre-nupt would not automatically create separate finances. But, it’s good to lay out how the finances will work in advance. In addition, one could use a pre-nupt as a way of organizing the financial future of all parties. As recently as the early 1900’s, people of wealth had “settlements” drawn up before the impending nuptials. Some of the issues resolved were:
How much money the wife would bring, and if it would have strings
How much she or her issue would have upon the death of certain relatives
How much allowance her husband would make her
How much he would leave her upon his death
Who got the land upon the husband’s death

These agreements weren’t a blueprint for divorce, but a blueprint for living. You know, if we laid all this out in advance, we might have a better chance. LOL.

Right now, I’m dating a gentleman who makes a lot more than me and has a lot more than me. It has been getting more serious. Personally I have very little to protect, and short of making a provision for my children, I don’t need a pre-nupt. (Fam. Biz. Situation has changed.) M. might want one though.

I agree that pre-nups for people who have been married, have children, have assets (family, their own or future inheritance) they want to protect for their children are important.

During my divorce ex began sniffing around a trust my mother had set up for me. I don't know what's there, I know it was severly affected by the stock market a few years ago & moved. That's all I or ex knew but he was looking to get some of that. He was also trying to attach some conditions to what I MAY inherit from my father, which may be nothing because as we know the future is uncertain. Certainly lessened my opinion of him especially after he claimed my father was very importnat to him & he admired him greatly. I never shared the fact that ex was sniffing around what may be with my father because it would have very upsetting to him. I never considered any of that with his parents & I know they have some money.

When we married both my parents were alive, I had nothing, he had nothing so no need for a pre-nup. Now, even though I may end up with nothing from an inheritance stand point I would feel the need to protect that possibility.

If I have less than a man I may marry I'd still want to protect what I do have for my children & I would expect him to want to do the same for his children.

A pre-nup is nothing more than a way to reduce the risks associated with marriage.

Marriage is an inherently risky business for both parties.

Remind me why we engage in it again?

LO, I'm still trying to figure that one out. Wait! Oh, yeah. We do it either because we want to bring children into the world in a "stable" environment, or we're temporarily insane.

Yeah LO, one has to wonder.

At this point in my life I have a new idea about marriage. Tell me what you think.

We make a contract up front, before marriage, for a specific amount of time after which we are free to re-up, renegotiate or move on. This would include provisions for children if any are involved.

I honestly believe this will alleviate some of the more stressful aspects of separation & divorce. One knows up front there is a time frame. The expectations are clear. The consequenses are clear. This will also lessen the shark lawyer/inept lawyer problem.

People might fuss that this is a business arrangement. But isn't that really what a marriage is? Sure, it's based on the attraction & love one has for their partner but there are expectations for each person. Why not spell them out up front?

yea, i tried to do that, and X refuses / hates to discuss money, because of the power that she associates with it. . . and have someone more powerful than her, really, really causes her great instability. .

how do i know? her post divorce boyfriends have all been either barely employed, one got evicted from his apartment, and lived with her, and the curent one, barely makes it, so she is in the control seat. . .

i agree with joint finances. . .

wiftty

I wouldn't have a prenup. because I hope I wouldn't be INSANE enough to marry again. I don't think I would completely live with someone either. I would always want, at least, a small apartment where I could have some privacy when I ached for it.

I would have a living will and give someone I trust (probably my son when he is older) durable power of attorney to affect my affairs.

I love it, Nams! And guess what? I bet all of us would be much more diligent in meeting our spouses' needs and avoiding LBs etc if we knew there was an "out clause."

While "til death do you part" gives a certain sense of security, it also gives a sense of complancency.

I brought pre-nupts up with M last night. Not because we're getting married, but because it would provide additional insight into how he viewed marriage and money. M does pretty well, and has no children.

He's against pre-nupts except in "unusual" circumstances, like having dependents to provide for and/or other people to protect like family businesses or trusts. Otherwise, he feels it's planning for the end.

On the other hand, I get the feeling he's fairly comfortable with looking at marriage as a contract. (Hey, doesn't even Dr. Harley call it that? You meet my needs like I want them met, and I'll meet your needs the way you like them met.)

I think I'd put something about emotional needs in there. For example, men could put in that their wives will not exceed a certain weight limit unless due to a medical condition or pregnancy. LOL. I could put in there something about clothing allowance or free time for exercise. It could be fun.

"Marriage is an Institution"
Who wants to live in an institution.

This is constantly repeated by a co-worker who will always be single. His other line to me "Don't give marital advice, you didn't do so well yourself" (not said harshly)

Newly, that's too funny. We learn in institutions when we're young. We spend 8 hours or more in institutions, and most of us are born into the institution of M. Our lives are full of institutions.

And institutions are only frameworks, outlines that enable predicable behavior patterns.

Okay, Obviously I'm over reacting and over analysizing. It was a JOKE!

But, I'm on a super-tight-deadline adreneline high.

My super tight deadline was yesterday and I hit the wall on Saturday. I'm on the exhaustion end of the super tight deadline and after a day trip to Toronto yesterday, I'm fading fast.

I need to write or call you, just to talk. I like reading about you and M and how good things are.

They are comfortable. To me, that's better than good.