...because the A does considerable damage to the M. The three "legs" of M, Love, Trust and Commitment, are all damaged, if not destroyed, by the A.

I think it's particularly hard when the WS is the W. Perhaps us males are biologically wired to avoid continuing a R with an unfaithful female of our species, because we're never sure that if procreation occurs, the genes that will be carried forward will be ours.



I think that all WS's rewrite the history of their M in some fashion. So do BS's unfortunately. If we BS's were more "in-touch" with our WS's, do you think an A would have been possible?

Yes, I can see how the MB principles help either way. I'm just disappointed the prospects for saving the marriage seem so bleak.

I don't know whether my wife is the garden variety WS or not because I have so little personal knowledge of the characteristics of other WS's.

I can see that my wife's affair will surely burn out because I know enough about the OM to realize that they have a very limited basis for a long term relationship.

When I first discovered the affair my wife actually accepted responsibility for her actions. Yet, since I took part of the blame by admitting that I did not meet all her ENs, she has blamed the marriage and said she doesn't want to work on it because she "tried and tried" and she just doesn't have any more left to give. This is a crock of you-know-what.

The problem is she has convinced herself that things were bad. As I mentioned before, I am her third husband so maybe this same problem occurred in her previous divorces. In any event, I can't picture her coming to her senses, especially since she gets support for the A from her mother.

And like you, I am trying to save the marriage primarily for the benefit of my son. I think I'd have been gone a long time ago otherwise.

MiM,

Honestly, I don't know how I could have been anymore in touch with my wife. I think she was physically attracted to the OM because they never really had a opportunity to develop a relationship through conversation because of the environment in which they met.

I think my wife felt it would be short term because the OM was only supposed to be in this area for a few weeks. She told her best friend she didn't think she was emotionally involved at all. But then the OM ended up staying in the area much longer. The affair continued and my wife DID become emotionally involved as well as physically.

Now if you ask, what caused her to be physically attracted to the OM? I don't know the answer. Our love life was great; she always told me so.

But then what kinds of influences does my wife have that might have affected her? She reads lots of romance novels and most of them involve someone having an affair.

I think my wife was trying to live out the kind of fantasy she so often reads about. Now she's caught up in it and can't stop it.

Yea, you certainly recall that you and I briefly discussed that you're Henery the 3rd - and this fact cannot be ignored as a clue to something being rotten.

I was Henery the 2nd to my wife. She's now on the 3rd (OM).

None of us knows what will happen with your WS. In all respects you've described, she's displaying the typical WS hallmarks - garden variety or not.

Nothing indicates that you should do anything differrent than the logical MB approach. I think we also previously discussed the smart parallel path of setting yourself up for the most personally recoverable divorce - making sure you allow her to make all the decisions in that direction, you all the while advocating for the family. If she "wins" you really win by exiting guilt free.

JMHO

WAT

Yes, I'm sticking to that plan, although considerations for preserving my chances of custody will prevent me from implementing a Plan B.

Basically I'm being Mr. Nice Guy, no LBs, e-mailing nice friendly notes, an occasional gift, doing lots of chores, expecting little or nothing in return (and getting it).

My FWH rewrote our marital history during his A. After the A he couldn't believe some of the stuff he said and did.

We've recovered.

(I did go to OW's house to confront. During a conversation, when she bold faced lied, I slapped her face. I really don't regret it. It didn't really do any good though and I am surprised she didn't call the police or get a restraining order against me.)

I'm glad to hear your success story. That's always encouraging.

One way or the other, your WW does need to know that you know.

If nothing else, ask her how was work? When she shrugs and says fine, fix her with a firm gaze and say, "I know. I know where you were, who you were with, and what you were doing."

Then let her squirm, but do not back down.

Do this! Why should WWs have all the fun...

***But then what kinds of influences does my wife have that might have affected her? She reads lots of romance novels and most of them involve someone having an affair.***

No, they don't! This is a common misconception. Romance novels are about the courtship of one man and one woman who are true to each other. The relationship cannot start out as an affair. That's part of the guidelines for writers.

Your wife may be reading other stuff that involve someone having an affair, but you won't find it in the Romance section. Stuff like *The Bridges of Madison County* is NOT Romance.

Just had to jump in and defend things here. Sorry for the brief threadjack.
Mulan

Mulan,

She read "Bridges" and recently "The Mermaid Chair" among others that involve affairs. Maybe I miss-classified these as romance novels.

Exactly - that kind of stuff is labeled either "Mainstream" or "Women's Fiction." Try steering her to the shelves marked "Romance." Very different. No affairs allowed!
Mulan

Unfortunately I can't steer her anywhere.

Interesting. Almost every romance novel I've browsed through involved some manner of emotional infidelity if not physical. Creation of romantic tension in adverse circumstance is big seller.

The woman who marries the stable man but misses her lost soulmate...common theme.

My ex-W and daughters enjoyed these...I read some of them out of curiousity. Many were euphemistic porn. All were bought in the "romance" section.

Maybe you should get a copy of Pittman's "Private Lies" and leave it laying around. Maybe she'll steer herself to it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Although it might not feel like it for you right about now, but having her still at home presents opportunities for info input to her scrambled brain. Can't force feed her, but she sees what you do and how you perform as a Dad. Who knows what shortcomings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> OM is revealing today?

WAT

WAT,

Thanks for that message -- that is something I needed to hear.

This is a tough time; knowing what is going on and essentially being powerless to stop it. Oh, sure, I can be a nuisance to their rendezvous, but I can't keep it from happening and it drives me nuts.

See poll here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3042825

bump

Hiker

Don't tell anyone but I did just that, Made me feel like a low dog. I don't recommend it. Just gave me something to be ashamed of in my behaviour since d-day. Good for humility but not much else.

All blessings

Thanks, bOb. As long as I stay away I should be okay.