My WW claims the affair is over and has NC with OW (yes it was a lesbian affair). Anyway, I dont believe it for one second, she has lied for the past year, why start telling the truth now. She is acting more suspicious now than ever before, but refuses to explain anything and keeps saying she needs time alone. It is very hard to get evidence on her and she knows it. I knew about the affair for 8 months before I could get any solid evidence to confront her with, otherwise she would just deny it to her death.

Question is, how do I get evidence that it is still going on. I found out using the computer before, but she is extremely careful with that (uses a different login user account and I can't guess the password). I also used to keep a good eye on cellphone records and then match them up with who she said she was talking to, but she has now asked the cellphone company to not include a list of calls with the bill. I can't do anything about that because the cellphones are in her name and the company wont let me make any changes.

The affair would not have lasted long in the first place if I had a car. I would have followed her as soon as I was suspicious and caught her redhanded and punched them both in the face. But alas, I dont have a car, we share hers because I'm still in school doing a masters degree and I can take the bus from our apartment. I tried puting a voice activated recorded in the bedroom while I was visiting my brother across the country but she found it and it was too hard to hear anything on it anyway. I would like to get a digital one and put it in her car, but it would just activate when the radio is on so it would use up the space and battery pretty quickly I would think

Any ideas? Maybe a computer program that records keystrokes, but I would only be able to install it on my account, would it record what she does while on her account login?? Also, that probably wouldn't help because she is much more bold about it now and hardly uses her computer. She just disappears for days at a time, doesn't come home at night. Says she is at other friends places or at the women's center on campus sleeping because she wants to "be alone". BULLSH*T. Anyway, what do I do, how can I catch her so we can end this dance.

OK..deep breath.

You caught her before..did THAT end the dance?

No, it did not..the dance went further underground..and you assumed still more of a parent/child relationship with your wife.

She is acting like a young girl sneaking out to meet her lover..not like a grown woman who could stand up and walk out the front door if that was her choice.

So much disconnect from reality.

Here is my advice.

Inject reality. Halt the search. Stop the gottafindout dynamic..you DON'T need to find out..you already KNOW what you NEED to know at this point.

So..what do you know?

You know that your wife has been having and is likely still having an affair.

You know that she says it's over.

You know that you don't believe her.

You know that her behavior suggests concealment not transparency.

She has changed her passwords..changed what will be shown on her phone records..still has a great deal of unaccounted for time..still recoils from accountability.

All behaviors that are wayward.

Sir, your evidence lies before you..the question now is..what are you going to *do* about it?

I say these things not because I do not understand [intimately] how consuming this can be..but BECAUSE I understand how consuming it can be..and that leaves you consumed in a fog of irrational beliefs of your own [for example..if I can just CATCH her this will all be over].

This is the time for a plan and the will to stay the course.

Where are you in regard to plan A?

Where are you in regard to preparation for plan B?

What have you done to get YOU ready?

Take your focus off of her..you can not control her..put your focus on you.

Are you IC? Depressed? How is work going? How are you sleeping and eating? What are you reading? What social engagements are you keeping? Who have you exposed to? What are your wifes top ENs? What steps toward the marriage has she been willing to commit to? What ENs will she allow you to meet? How do you plan to deal with the rejections and resentments? How do you plan to safeguard your own heart and mind at this time when you are so vulnerable?

These are some things to be filling your time with..not trying to crack her codes in order to obtain specifics regarding information that you already have in hand.