Hi all,

I've posted here a few times and I'm in real need of advice today. Bear with me while I recap my situation first.

Long story short - husband had 9-mnth PA followed by ongoing (7-mnth) EA with coworker until DDay. Since they he has quit job, gone NC (at least as far as I know) and been transparent with email, phone records etc. We've been going to MC and trying to rebuild.

BUT ... to further complicate things... following DDay H also disclosed longterm compulsive porn addiction. Something I'd had suspicions about but had no idea how intense it really was. The reason DDay happened is that I saw that he'd registered for escort site in our city and went snooping and found emails from OW. H firmly denies he ever slept with a prostitute but I still have doubts due to the fact there were times when large amounts of money were inexplicably gone after payday.

So, here we are 9-months later and I've still been having doubts but getting slowly past them. He says he hasn't looked at any porn since DDay and he has been going to IC also and talking about his possible SA issues there. Then, the other day I checked the cookie manager and found cookies from Playboy. As I've expressed to him many times, if he slips up and is looking again - especially at something as vanilla as Playboy for god's sake! - then that won't make me mad and I'll understand. (I've been VERY understanding and non-judgemental about the whole porn issue because he came so clean about it on his own and I know how hard that must have been to do.) BUT what will bother me is if he is being secretive and deceitful again.

Anyhoo, I tried to talk to him about the Playboy cookie and he got VERY defensive and angry. Said he was tired of 'living like this', that he knew he hadn't done anything wrong, blah blah. Said he was looking at a blog with an ad for Playboy and that's prob where it was from. Computer gurus: Is this believeable??

Similarly, months ago, but well after DD, I found a cookie for adultfriendfinder that I knew hadn't been there before. He said he had no idea where it came from, was defensive, blah blah.

In any case, I let both the above go, tho I probably shouldn't have.

So, last night I'm out most of the evening. today I look at the computer and see that his recent documents folder is...empty. Now, I need input here. Am I wrong in thinking this is a dead giveaway he's hiding something? Seems to me that it takes effort to do that and why would you do that if you weren't hiding anything???

Months ago I put a keylogger on but he discovered it right away, thereby rendering it useless. I also have been suspicious about the fact that when I put it back on later he ran skynuker right away (again when i was out one evening). Again, if he had nothing to hide why the worry if it was there? (He says 'just curious'). In any event, the KL is no longer installed and I don't think it would do any good as if he's browing porn again he'd search for it first i'm sure.

is there any other sneaky clever way I can look for recent activity, deleted files etc????? we have a PC with windows XP.

the other thing I need input on is how to raise this latest thing with him (the recent docs)? frankly, i'm just tired of this SH**!!! i don't want to play PI and spy forever. it's demoralising and exhausting and it's slowly bleeding my spirit and soul dry. if he came to me and said 'honey, i was looking at porn last night i'm sorry." i would NOT get angry. in fact it would increase my trust knowing he could talk openly to me about it. what i can't bear is the idea he's hiding things from me again. that sort of secretive sexual double life is so tied up to me emotionally with the affair. it also would tell me that he still can't be trusted because he STILL, even after everything we've gone through, feels the need to lie and hide.

i'm 31, he's 38, we've been married 3 years. we'd been married only 15 months when affair started. (he has been married and divorced before.) we've been together 8 years. i do love this man and we've had a (mostly) great history together but i really can't bear the thought of spending the rest of my life snooping to see what he's hiding and living in perpetual doubt.

so, to recap. can anyone offer insight/ideas/feedback into the following:
- does any of his story re the computer stuff seem believable? am i right in finding the fact that he emptied the 'recent docs' folder very odd?
- any tips on other ways to investigate last night's activity?
- how should i talk to him about this tonight?
- should i just cut and run? when is enough enough???

would really, really really appreciate any help anyone can give me today.

thanks!

lil

Lillian, I don't have much experience to help you on the computer side, but his defensiveness definitely seems suspicious. Check out http://www.xxxchurch.com for help with info on porn addiction.

MSA

Check in the Recycle Bin. Perhaps he forgot to empty the Recyle Bin after he deleted the files. Sort the files by modified date, to find the most recent ones.

Sometimes the only way to get evidence of any activity is to copy it off to another PC before he has time to remove it. Do you have another computer in the house? If so, consider using SyncToy or another synchronization utility to "mirror" his folder off to that other PC's hard drive. Of course you should run the synchro utility from the other PC, so there's no evidence of its activity on the PC he uses <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

On the subject of your M though, it sounds like he's not meeting your EN for Openness and Honesty, usually a big thing for BS's. He needs to understand the danger he's subjecting your recovery to by not actively working on doing this. Do you have the WH's "LoveBusters" book? Has he read it?

Thanks MiM ... checked the recycle first thing but empty. He knows I've seen stuff that way before so he'd be vigilant about that.

Ok, H just called so I talked to him. His story is that he was simply clearing files off the PC - we have been doing this lately due to space issues - and deleted some temp folder of files and maybe that's what happened.

Computer gurus I really need your help!!! it really doesn't make sense to me that deleting temp files would delete the list of references to 'recently opened docs' that's in the startup menu. Seems to me to do this you have to go to Control Panel - System Folder - Recent Docs - Clear List (or close to that anyway. I just looked at the process). I can't find any other folder of temp docs that would seem to be what he's talking about. But am I wrong???

Help, anyone?!! I hate that I always come out of these discussions like I'M in the wrong and am unfairly accusing him. Whether he's telling the truth or not it's OBVIOUS why I would have these doubts and why something like this would be a red flag. I asked it as calmly and non-accusingly as I could and he wasn't as defensive as last time but still some defensiveness and telling me I'm making him feel like he's done something horrible when he hasn't.

I need a reality check. Am I just being paranoid? Is he lying? Isn't it understandable I'd still have these questions given everything? And if I can't raise them without feeling bad ... well...isn't that a bit F*****??

We have read Surviving Infidelity but not the Lovebusters book. I have been asking for us to do the ENs quiz for ages and he always says he's happy to yet somehow it never happenes - tho I think this is both our faults. Yes, we need to do it and SOON. Yes, he needs to work on meeting those needs better, much better. Lately there has been far too much defensiveness and comments like "I can't live like this anymore" and the latest "I'm tired of having to walk on thin ice all the time and worry about everything I do."

For god's sake! This is the man who had a 9mnth PA followed by 7mnth EA and was hence lying and hiding things constantly from his spouse - who had no idea OW was even a friend, let alone a lover - for over a year. If that isn't having to walk on thin ice all the time what the ****** is. I'm beginning to feel he resents it all instead of seeing it as the consequences of his A and necessary to recovery/rebuilding trust.

I don't know how much more I can take. Even if he IS telling the truth about the latest I don't know if I can keep living with constantly wondering if he is.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />