I visited my IC on Tuesday she made a comment, "I see you've chosen to still wear your wedding ring." I thought that was incredibly insensitive of her, especially since she knows how much I want to save my marriage. Although WH said he wants to file for D, he hasn't done so. It's been weeks now. I feel entitled to wear my wedding ring because it's a symbol of how much I want to reconcile. Am I wrong for wearing it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Let's just say my IC made me feel very insignificant. I understand she wants to prepare me for possible D, but I was very hurt by her comment.

Are there rules as to when it is inappropriate to wear your wedding ring in a sitch like mine? I'm still very hurt by the comment.

tell her your still married and until your not it is appropriate to wear it.....then, and only then (after divorce) will you entertain comments about wearing it.

R2W...

You are still married...you absolutely have EVERY right and SHOULD, IMO, continue to wear your ring...YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO PREVENT YOU FROM WEARING IT...YOU HAVE BROKEN NO COVENANT OR VOWS...You are right, it was a VERY insensitive and LEADING thing for your counselor to say to you...Can you call and counsel with one of the Harleys instead?

Btw, in speaking with another MB friend of mine, she refreshed my memory, and we KNOW for a fact that at least in one instance, Steve Harley has advised that exposure in Plan B can work WELL...His rationale was that then it will be the OW that will be around to experience the fallout and not you...Are you going to expose this workplace affair and let the consequences fall squarely on the shoulders of the infidels where it belongs?

How are you holding up R2W? Are you eating and sleeping and taking care of you???

Mrs. W

Thanks, Nikko and Mrs. W for your feedback. It's a huge relief to see what you feel the same way as I do. At first, I thought I was going crazy and that I had broken some sort of "rule."

I am thinking about changing my IC because she hasn't been helping me recently. Considering my IC isn't covered by my health insurance, she is a waste of my money! Her insensitive comment made my last session really unproductive because I automatically closed up after that. That was NOT the way to set the tone of our appointment. I would love a refund of my hard-earned dollars.

Mrs. W,
I exposed the A via phone on Monday to WH's boss who wasn't very receptive. WH's boss listened but didn't want to get involved in our marriage...but this is an A with a co-worker! Sigh. The boss did say he'd talk to WH. I hope so! It's his job to bring serious issues to his employee's attention.

As mentioned previously, WH's boss adores WH so I was pretty discouraged after our conversation. As a result, I wrote two letters to the corporate headquarters and sent them to the Director of HR and the VP of HR. I sent them out yesterday. Since I'm in CA and headquarters is in back East, it will take at least 3 days to arrive. I figured WH's boss needs to be held accountable as well, especially if he protects WH. I'm not willing to let this A go unnoticed. The WH and OW need to be exposed.

I'm hanging in there. I haven't been sleeping at all. Since WH's alien activity, I've been having a hard time sleeping. All my dreams and nightmares are related to WH and A. It's so disturbing. I used to be such a good sleeper too. I would love to sleep in peace again soon. This ordeal has really taken a toll on my life.

I've been crying buckets since yesterday. I found myself bursting into tears while driving in the car. Talk about unsafe. My emotions are so hard to control. I feel so vulnerable. Since d-day, the shock has not lessened.

I'm eating better. I eat better when I'm with friends or family. Being more social has really helped my appetite. It's a good distraction...temporarily...then I find myself alone and the emotions resurface.

This entire A sickens me. Never once did it ever cross my mind that my H would have ever done this to me...and continues to do it.

That ring thing - let me tell you. I read a post from Ktulu about rings on one of the very worst days.It reminded me that I had taken off my ring on D-day a month or so before.

I had to go do some TV for a business thing in London and Squid found out I sent proof of PA to OM GF on the same day. She was absolutely ACID, hateful, vicious, telling me by phone TXT she was packing and moving out and leaving the country with the kids and OM and all kinds of stuff. I had to keep calm and put my business head on for bloomberg ...

I got home she was EVIL. I checked my mail & this board and read Ktulu's post about the significance of her wedding band. I went straight to our bedroom and put on my wedding ring.

Squid noticed it the very next day in the middle of her worst and most terrible spite towards me and the kids.
" What the h3ll u wearing that for ? Our Marriage is down the pan !"

I replied calmly : "I don't need your permission to wear it. I promised God and you I'd wear it for better or worse. Well, this is 'worse' but my promise to God and you still stands. I want to be married to you. I want to do all I can to stay happily married to you, despite my hurt. Until the LAST MINUTE that there is hope that we can rescue our M I will wear the ring you gave me before God."

She ran upstairs and cried loudly for a long time. I took the kids bowling...

That was the peak of the hatred and fog. She mentioned since that it was very touching for her to see me wearing her ring when she felt so undeserving of it. And it also accused her.

I won't take it off again till I'm dead or divorced.

Now in recovery, Squid had tried to put on her wedding band. (a sports injury meant it hadn't fitted her for a year or more).

The story of what I did is HERE .

Do as you see fit with your wedding bands. You can see that ours were very significant indeed. All blessings

R2W...

I must tell you that I LOVE your spunk girl...GOOD FOR YOU ON EXPOSURE!!! I am VERY PROUD of you...YOU are taking the necessary steps to take back the control of YOUR life...YOU ROCK!!! Just sit back and wait...exposure WILL work it's magic...This is said here a lot, but I think it's worth repeating...Think about what cockroaches do when you turn on the lights...Well, that's what you did here R2W, now just watch and see...Give it time, but REALITY is the nemesis of affairs...You did great!

That being said, don't discount yourself over all the emotion and loss of sleep...Those things are all VERY normal-you ARE strong and you WILL make it through this...I'm so very sorry that you are going through all this...It is one GIANORMOUS NIGHTMARE!!! How about seeing your doctor for antidepressants to get you through this...That is a STRONG step in taking care of YOU...and YOU MATTER...Don't forget that, it is VERY TRUE! Also, they could prescribe a mild sleep aid to help you get to sleep and stay asleep...You need your rest...sleep deprivation can do some CRAZY things to you...You hang in there...It's going to be okay...

Mrs. W

BP,

Thank you for your inspiring story. While in Plan A just two weeks ago, I went out to lunch with WH. WH noticed my ring as I use hand gestures when I talk. It is a very important symbol of my commitment to him. Although WH took his ring off a month ago, I still wear my ring because it is a reminder of the vows I made to him and to God.

When I met with my in-laws last week, they noticed I wore my ring as well. Wearing my ring is a visual reminder to the rest of the world that I am committed to my WH. Those that love me know that I am wanting to save my M from destruction. I wear my ring with pride.

Mrs. W,
Thanks for the huge pat on the back! I was very nervous standing in line at the post office to send these letters via certified mail. I credit MelodyLane for the idea of sending out these letters.

This morning, I also called the corporate headquarters and spoke to a live person in HR which was a nice change. She returned my call promptly and said she would contact WH's boss re: my concerns with WH's A. I'm relieved that corporate will hold WH's boss accountable. If no one holds WH's boss to his responsibilities, this A could be ignored. Now, I wouldn't want that to happen, would I?

I suppose I've done the hard part which is exposing the A to broad daylight. It's a relief to have completed such hard tasks. I had the worst case of butterflies in my stomach for weeks. Now, I'm waiting for those darn cockroaches to run like heck! Patience, patience, patience.

I'll look into sleep aids. My sister mentioned chamomile (sp?) tea before bed. I don't like to depend on meds but if they'll help me function, then it will be worthwhile. I feel like I've been living in this terrible fog. Ick!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />LOL...That was the friend that I talked to who refreshed my memory about exposing in Plan B...I hadn't seen that she had been posting to you...I've been dealing with some health issues and haven't been around as much lately...But I should have recognized the finger prints of that CRAZY, BIG-HAIRED, GUN-TOTIN' TEXAN all over this one...HA! She's a good egg...a bit CRACKED, but still Grade A that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Again, R2W, I applaud you...Not everybody has what it takes to listen to the advice here and be courageous enough to take what I know are very scary steps into uncharted territory...No matter what happens here, you will be able to hold your head high and know that you did EVERYTHING humanly possible to honor your vows to your husband and your convenant with God...You too are a Good Egg R2W!

Btw, Tylenol PM is quite effective and non habit forming...HANG ON GIRL, IT'S A BUMPY RIDE, BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!

Mrs. W

It was MelodyLane that told you? LOL! That is awesome!

Thank you, Mrs. W for your positive reinforcement. Although I feel like I've been beat down one too many times with this darn A, I have also grown a lot. Hopefully, WH will see how committed I am to take these painful steps. I'm not letting him go so easily. Little did he know I had it in me to go down this bumpy ride. I'm trying to stay strong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why?

She is an IC .. her job is to help YOU emotionally. YOU are not defined by the result of these events.

She asked you a question.. probably so you COULD engage in some tough decisions... I think I would jump on the defensive wagon with every one else a little quicker...if I felt her question was insensitive.

She wasn't criticizing or questioning the motivation.. she was creating a setting to discuss and work through VERY possible outcomes.

Again..she's not a MC.. she's an IC ... and an IC .. looks out for the well being of the PERSON... not the marriage..

I'm sorry that the question hurt you so badly... but I'm sure she wasn't implying anything was wrong with the wearing of your rings.

Good IC's WAIT for the client to bring issues to the forefront...They don't LEAD with JUDGEMENTALLY BASED STATEMENTS...The IC did NOT ASK, she STATED...


Good IC's understand that having a person arrive at conclusions themselves will ALWAYS be the most powerful and healing...Just my .02...

Mrs. W

About five days ago I decided to put my wedding ring back on after a month of leaving it in my drawer, ever since D-day. I decided that despite what my WW might think we are STILL married. She hasn't seen me wearing it and who knows if she'd even say anything but I believe in marriage, so I put it back on.

She wants a D, but like your WH ready... my WW hasn't really been very aggressive in filing, although last night I found our marriage certificate on the floor with some other random stuff after she moved the last of her things.

Part of me wants to take the ring off and throw it off a bridge, but the fact is I committed to my W and until we get a D I'll keep wearing it.

It also shows others that I care about marriage regardless of how it has affected me personally.

If/when we get a D, I think I'll melt it down into a cross and maybe wear it around my neck!

Keep your head up, Ready

Corinth13,
Thank you for your input. I've been thinking about you because it seems like we have so much in common with our WS. I, too, am praying frequently for my WH. My WH helped me in my spiritual walk, found us a home church, led our Bible study and was a role model to others. Now, I'm trying to be the spiritually strong one. He's fled this M and abandoned God and is indulging in sin. Darkness has taken over my H. Never once did I think my H had the capacity to do such a thing.

I continue to wear my ring and when I ran into his family at the beach on Father's Day (this was my first Father's Day without his family), I had my wedding rings on. I hope they noticed. With the exception of my in-laws, his extended family has no idea what my WH has done. WH has probably put the blame on me. It's easiest to blame the poor W- me! This is the one thing that continues to consume me is that his cousins whom I'm very close to do not know the dirty details of the A.

Hi ladies!

Mrs. W,

I'm not trying to stir the pot here, but I think I missed something. This comment from the IC sounds perfectly neutral. I would have read it as simply an invitation for her client to discuss her thoughts and feelings about the ring.

It's as if somebody said "You have a new car.", and you immediately conclude that they disaprove of it.

We have had on MB forums many discussions of the rings. Many people have chosen to take them off. Many others have chosed to continue to wear them. (I'll not launch into my ring saga on this thread, but I have done so in the past.) But whichever way it is, the person usually has made a choice (as the IC said) and in that choice and the reasoning or emotions behind it something of that person is revealed. Again, I would take it as the IC simply wanting to better understand her client.

Did I miss something?

-AD

ready2...

whether the statement was a personal question from her...or a challenge to explore....

why would someone questioning that make you feel insignificant...

many portions of this society view marriage as a temporary state existing based on peoples whims....

this is always a good opportunity to claim your beliefs on marriage...which exist inspite of anyone elses actions or choices INCLUDING your spouses...

meaning..
just because at this moment in time my spouse is not and does not honor marital vows...
that does not automatically equate ME not honoring marriage vows....

why not think of some really good reasons you are wearing your ring...and tell her the next time..
it actually would be a good basis for you to decide how pro-marriage she is....and then perhaps you may want to switch..

ARK^^