He has nothing to lose since you are protecting him. As long as you remain a "friend" to the affair and not to your marriage, he has nothing to fear. He can continue to have an affair with your w. I can't believe you went along with this, trevor.

I would also point out that your W will NEVER withdraw from him and the affair will never end as long as they continue to work together. Recovery will never start until all contact ends.

Do you have any of the Marriage Builders books?

Formulating plan A need a hand. I have confronted spouse 2 months ago with affair and it was denied. Got caught in snooping at W's office and they have been more careful. Talked with PI and they advised me against recordings right now because it mostly goes badly unless I want it to end. That is not the case right now.

My plan so far is to observe for 2 months and see where everything goes. If wife stays on current plan of no affection or is faking it call in PI. This month W and I have two family vacations, good ways of putting in deposits in LB. Plus gives MC an opportunity to get help. After info from PI, diclose information to OMs W. That will put 2 months or less with OM until child. During 12 weeks when W is at home with newborn use keylogger on computer and document.

Talked with MC, MC said may touch on guy friend and said things would be harder if he was in picture and he definitely is her confider. He may be innocent in this whole thing and my W is making him into something he doesn't want to be to fullfill her need for attention because of pregnancy. I will need more info to go with to OMW to be in good conscience.

W and I seem to be getting along well, but being pregnant complicates things. For instance, we have slept in same bed since this started but that changes periodically because of how she feels. Night before last she got up to use the bathroom and relocated to other bedroom. Last night she started out in other bedroom because she was going to get up early for work plus the dogs have been making her sleep oncomfortable (this is a valid compliant). But if W doesn't return to sleeping in same bed I'll believe she is closing herself off more. She seems to be doing so a little at a time, but I could be reading it into the relationship when it really is the pregnancy. Problem is we have good conversation and seem to be doing better on the surface but physical affection is not there.

I can hug her and she returns it lightly (but pregnancy breasts don't like hugs) and kiss her as we go to bed and leave for work. She even smiles during conversation. The big question is why is she still on the fence, and how long can W stay there?

Trevor, I would suggest that you start recording NOW and ignore the PI's bad advice. He is wrong that catching them will mean the end of your marriage, it is more likely the opposite. If you can get the information you need from recording then you should do it. There is nothing that could "go badly" if it leads you to the truth. And you need to know the truth in order to save your marriage.

It's not a good idea to confront your spouse about the affair without evidence. As you can see, she only denied it and probably went further underground. A WS is not likely to bust herself just because you ask. Thats why it is always best to gather your info independently and confront when you have evidence.

edited because I misunderstood his post. Trevor, the OMW still needs to be informed about the affair. She has a right to this information and can ensure that the affair is not taking place from her end. She needs to be informed NOW, not later.

The PI comment was that you would hear things that would not do the relationship any good.

Background on pregnancy, we have been trying to get pregnant for over two years. We had a bunch of tests done and I came out fine but she was the one with the problems. W had a test done to check for blocked tubes right as I got home that sometimes clears the blockage and it is not uncommon for women to get pregnant right after. Well, the cycle after the test was done W got pregnant. I had just got back from New Orleans and we were adjusting from 4 months of separation.

Bottomline is the relationship with this guy could be a friend from work that turned into a special friend to help her with the early problems in our pregnancy that I didn't help her with. He was also there when I broke down on hearing about her not loving me and thinking about divorce. She has talked about what it would be like after the marriage is over but never set a date or asked me to leave. He has an infant and a toddler and probably has related all the things that go with them because she has no female support structure here. Could it be an affair or the start of one, the signs are there. Could it be a friend she needs and that I have made it into an affair in my mind to explain her not loving me, most probably. Like she told me, it would be easier to take an affair over the lost of love.

I know now I can live with her and have accepted the fact that this is how this may end. From reading, it looks like to work this out we will have to separate, but I need to put time in being the person W could love. My only fear is that I'm wrong about OM and that this will drive her away permenantly.

The PI is not a marriage counselor, he is a PI. The truth is always good for your relationship, trevor. Those recordings would tell you the TRUTH and would tell you what you are dealing with here. That is not bad for your marriage, but GOOD if you suspect an affair. The recordings can rule an affair in or out.

trevor, you need to know the truth in order to save your marriage. This may not be an affair, as you say, but those recordings would reveal if it is just a friendship so you could rule out an affair.

The PI is giving you bad advice.

MC session went well yesterday. MC asked how things were going with her man at work (coversation wise) and W said they were talking less. It was said matter of fact and MC discovered that W looks for the bad in me and in no one else. This is the weekend with my family and W has issues with parents and their behavior (rightfully so). Things are better between us and are positive. This is just going to take time and patience.