What should I do to save my marriage?

If anyone can give advice I would appreciate it. My wife of 6 years just got back from Costa Rica with a group of High Schoolers on a field trip and decided she enjoyed being independent without any strings attached while she was gone. She then told me that she has never loved me our entire marriage because she got married for the wrong reasons because she was pregnant with our daughter and as a Christian she thought the best thing would try to make the marriage work, but she has tried and feels that that the last 6 years have been a lie for her and that she was just trapped in a marriage because she felt other people would think bad about her if she would get a divorce. I on the other hand believe she did love me and there are some a lot of things that have happened in our marriage special things that we have shared that there is no way there wasn't a connection there. Before we were married she wrote me every single day of boot camp telling me how much she loved me and couldn't wait to see me.

Before I left for boot camp we couldn't get enough from each other we spent every minute with each other and the same thing when I got back, but I noticed a complete change in her when she got pregnant. She stopped being loving with me and started to be very confusing to me. She was a strong Christian and I think it killed her to get pregnant out of wedlock. I feel this is when she started to blame me and look at me as someone who ruined her life. Our six years of marriage she has been a emotional rollercoaster, but I know through out our marriage her love was there and then other times it wasn't, she said she was just acting, I don't believe it. What can I do to get our marriage back to where she loves me again? By the way I have become a Christian and am currently a youth minister and have been a Christian for 5 years.

We also have a 6-year-old daughter together and since I come from a divorced family I do not want that to happen to my daughter. My wife also just happened to get a job in a new town where she will be making a lot more money then me since i have to quit my job and move to where her new job is. We have found a place to live and just started to go to counseling at a huge church that has a licensed counselor. I guess I feel she still blames me for ruining her life from when I got her pregnant but I know she loved me before and I just cant believe these last 6 years have been a lie. What should I do? I have also been told by a female adult on the trip that my wife was missing a lot on the trip and that one day she was seen leaving the male tour directors room. I questioned her about this and she claims that she never cheated on me and has never through out our entire marriage, part of me has trouble believing this.

She tells me she has been thinking about our daughter and me our entire marriage and now she feels she needs to think about herself and what she wants. She did mention that she thought we should try counseling first. What do I do, I am so scared of losing her. Even after she told me all this I still love her and always have, I made a promise to her and God and myself when I got married I would always love her and would never give up on our marriage. I am just so confused and my worst fear is that she has cheated on me. I feel I can't do anything and that its all in the counselors hand and Gods. Is there anything I can do other than praying, which I already do!

pleople cant fake love. i am sure she loves you but i belive something else is going on . i know as a mother that sometimes women lose who they are and dont really know who they are anymore. if she wants to seek help first there is love there. I just want to tell you it is great to hear that you know the commitment you made to her. And god doesnt stop loving us when we dont love him . And maybe she needs to be closer to god so he can show her how to be happy and love with all your heart. All of us want to be loved just keep loving her.
-s-

Welcome to MarriageBuilders (MB), Brad...

You've been led to a great place to save your marriage. And I believe a wonderful choice you made in posting.

Have you been reading all the articles on the website? There are links to the right of your screen...Basic Concepts, Rules of Marriage...the Love Bank.

You're on the resolving conflict forum...and I infer from your post that the conflict you see is your wife believing one thing, and you desiring her to believe something else?

What she said about not loving you...is a red flag for infidelity. Doesn't mean, necessarily, she's sleeping with someone else...or that there is an actual someone else...humans can believe in "someone else" that force of "the one" and betray their marriages within their minds, choice of beliefs...rewrite their marital history and not understanding they are blocking the love they are feeling with resentment, entitlement and a lack of respect.

I suggest posting in Infidelity General Questions II forum, or Emotional Needs forum...GQII has the most traffic, and EN has more than RS (resolving conflict).

Often, a new job is a tiny red flag because of being exposed to new people and ideas...and presenting the idea of who you are to others...like a clean slate...is another element necessary in adultery.

This may not be true in your marriage...depression, patterns of withdrawal/pursuit, lots of other dynamics might explain her current belief...I'm with you--she didn't have this belief when she married you...baby or not...if she was firmly committed to doing what is best for her daughter (being married to her father), then her belief would be making your marriage the best it can be...not looking on it like a debt, an error...

I share this with you because I experienced it myself...after 14 years of marriage, I rewrote my history, called my love a debt, fully paid, and went wayward...I'm not talking about what I didn't live...and it took a lot of me creating and holding onto resentment, building it into entitlement, and living a life lacking respect, for others and for myself.

Whether she is in a wayward state of mind, or not, learning that love is a choice, which generates a feeling, and that acting on our belief of love, results in loving acts...is a better way to love than believing the amount of love you feel at any given time, determines whether you love or not.

LA

Bradb - I agree that there is something else than stating she never loved you. There is an emotional need being filled and obviously it is not you. Read all there is here...for many marriages have been saved. My marriage was one that was not saved. Do not love bust....read and instill this deep in your life. Love busting just pushes them further away. Keep filling her tank with little bits of love. Yes...she may throw some of them out here and there...just keep filling it up. Go on with your life...find a job in the new city. Do little special things that only you know what would attract her interest. Like pulling the sheets down on her side of the bed...and placing petals on the pillow. Things of that order.

During my ex's affair...I was married 25 years when he had his affair. He told me he NEVER loved me, he NEVER loved me at the altar. That hurt deeply...and he never apologized for those words. He would just say...that is how it is. During this time...try to be uplifting. Try to be cheerful and talk positive. The one thing a wayward spouse hates is for you to be gloomy, depressed and crying. I was that person for so long...and I now know that destroyed any chance of getting back together. If I had just gone on with my life...if I had went back to college and taken a course, or gone to the gym, or maybe taken an art class or something that I enjoyed or wanted to try...there might have been a chance. For they will see that you can live without them...and you are not being dependent on them for your happiness and security.

Your marriage can be saved...and I will pray for you and your wife and your little girl. Blessings....LoveinHim