This is a strange one!

It's been 4 years since the A, and I'm VERY sure there is still NC, but both of us have been seeing the OW lately.

She's been parked just down the street from our house (a few times), at the grocery store, near where my H works and a couple of other places. I've even noticed her behind me in traffic on occassion...she follows until I'm just about home then turns off when I enter our cresent.

Once when I noticed her across the street from our house I went to the landing to get shoes so I could go confront her, but by the time I got out the front door, she was gone.

I've discussed this with my H and he's seen her a few times as well. He made no effort to talk to her when he did see her.

She hasn't tried to contact either one of us as yet, but we're both quite uncomfortable knowing she's around. She lives at least 30 minutes away from us, and as far as I know has no good reason to be in our neighbourhood.

We're not sure what we should do with this - any thoughts?

Banyak, is there any chance she might have moved to your neighbourhood? Could you find this out? It seems very odd that she'd start stalking you 4 years on, although seeing her right across the street from your house is VERY odd and definitely would be disturbing for any FBW.

But, I'm just wondering, given she's been seen at the grocery store etc. Could it be that she's simply moved nearer by and isn't trying to reestablish contact but is just around the area? (Tho why she'd want to be in the area is a good question?) What I'm saying is - maybe her proximity isn't directly related to your H and their A. Maybe she's even dating someone who just happens to live in your area? Can you look her up on whitepages.com and find out where she's living currently? Or have you done that already?

Just a thought... Keep us posted.

Good thought Lil - I'll check into that.

The thing that has me guessing is that she was just sitting in her car each time we saw her - even at the store!

I'm a little reluctant to start checking on her - if she catches wind of it things might escalate?

She was parked across the street from our house again today.
H wasn't home, and I had the kids with me so I didn't do anything.

She stayed about 20 minutes then drove away.

I checked, and she still lives in the same place across town.

This is really starting to trouble us...is it time to call the police?

I would confront her--TOGETHER. Let her know that if she does not leave you alone, you will contact the authorities.

If she drives away so you cannot confront her, write a letter TOGETHER.

EDITED TO ADD:

SCRATCH THAT--she may get off on the contact.

It is probably better to have a third party intervene.

Let the police know that a "strange" has been seen parked accrossed your street on a number of occassion and that it leaves when you go outside to see who it is. The police may become hesitant to get involved he they learn it is an ex-lover--unless she has threatened you or shown violence in some manner....though stalking may be enough.

My vote is for the authorities.

Hello Banyak,
even if she has moved near you, that would be no reason for sitting in her car across the street from your house for 20'.
Things in her life might have changed, maybe she's single again or whatever, and perhaps that made her think about looking up your H, who knows.
She has no business being there. At the very least she's behaving like a child that wants attention. But you cannot be sure that she's harmless, so unless you can handle an agression, I think it would be wise to not confront her alone. With your H, yes - and maybe even with more people, though that might be hard to organise. (I guess any OP would be scared off if they are suddenly confronted with 4-5 persons coming up to her car and asking what she's doing there, even if everyone is calm and polite!)
I don't know if it would be possible to apply for a restraining order?

I was forced to deal with a wacko OW.

If she continues to show up in this manner, you need to notify the police and have them talk with her. Under no circumstance should you or your husband walk up to her car or approach her in any manner to chat with her. You have no idea what state of mind this person is in.

Jo

Dupe. Sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Document the incidents and file a report. In our case, I did that but did not press charges. Since I did not receive any physical harm, I could not press charges but I could make a formal complaint. So I did, to both the police dept in her town and mine. The doesn't know this but there is a record on her. The importance of documenting this is, this will leave an audit trail. Later if charges s/b filed, you already have a track record of events. It will strengthen your case. This stuff takes time.

Now I will tell you how wacky an OW can get. In our case, when the WS really decided to ask to come back to his family, I was on vacation far away. The OW decided to send me a letter with some sick, twisted and time altered details (she mixed past events with present and tried to pretend it all just happened). Anyways..... we had been in a false recovery, H was slipping away, the WS was gaining strength but very confused and I was not aware how much was going on.... I was on a needed vacation with my son and the WS was at home trying to get ready to join us. Ow used this opportunity to rile me up. She did this as she was calling my religion (in different locations even out of state), women's abuse hotlines, etc. She was on the phone for hours and her repeated calls would wear anyone out. Then she did the ultimate and filed false RO charges which went to court. By this time, the Ws decided being an Xws was safer and he went to court. The substitute judge heard the case and even admitted the OW had a very weak case at best, then ordered BOTH of them stay away from each other. The OW tried to say the WS threatened to kill her. So much for all the love they had.... the WS did not threaten to kill her. Even in his WS mind that wasn't his style. I was just shooting plan B stuff from far away and well.... it worked. The OW was so paranoid, she messed up her own A. The OW was her own worst enemy..... we don't have to deal with this wacko nut anymore. So the enforcemnt is up this Sept but we have moved out of state anyway.

My point is do not assume. Be prepared.

take care,
L.

In addition to what Orchid suggests, I would use a digital camera and keep it with me at all times. Everytime you catch her following you, or parking in front of your house, etc...take a picture of her. **Make sure you get her license plate #** That action in itself might make her uncomfortable and she may stop stalking you. Once you have a few pictures of her, especially when parked near your house, call the police and file an "informational report". Tell them that this person's actions make you nervous and you don't know what she may be capable of. This way, if she does "snap", you'll have it on record that you did call the police.

Edited to add: Regarding a restraining order, call the courthouse and ask what their requirements are. Document everything such as letters, emails, phone calls, anything that may be related to her (if she starts doing this). The photos of her following you and parking near your house may be enough. It may take a little time, but in the end it's worth it. I had a huge file over 2 inches thick of "evidence" when we got our restraining order. My lawyer was impressed!!

Oh, one more thing...about the hang up calls (if you start getting these)...call your phone company and tell them someone has been doing this, keep track of the date and time on a calender, and the phone company will keep track of your hang ups for a month and then send you a report.

I hope all goes well with you.

To elaborate just a little further, this OW could be so "off" that if you or your husband decided to confront her or even just talk with her, she could turn it all around and twist it by claiming you or your husband are harrassing or stalking HER. I've seen it happen on these boards too many times to count.

Thats why I strongly advise you involve the police and do not handle things yourselves. Thats what the police are for, to "legally" protect you. Take advantage of why you pay taxes and do this legally, and in a smart way.

Jo

Thanks so much everyone!
Also...GREAT to see you back Orchid! - I hope your family stuff has worked out ok.

You guys have given us some great information - I'll share this thread with my H and see where he wants to go from here.

I agree with the thought that it's best not to confront her ourselves - I'm sure she'll either enjoy the attention or twist it and use it against us at some point.

I hadn't thought of documenting or gathering video proof...I honestly hadn't considered this could turn into a bigger problem. Gotta love being naive hmm? We'll start that one next time one of us see's her.

I'll also call the police tomorrow and open an active file with them - perhaps they'll offer some further info.

Geez...just when you think you're in the clear!

Dear Banyak,
I guess I was pretty naive about this in my advise to you.
I agree that it would be a lot wiser to not confront OW yourself but to use the proper (police/court) channels - for which you indeed pay taxes !
Best wishes,
Brit from Belgium

No worries BH...I didn't consider most of these points myself!

Thank goodness all of you are here!

BTW...we DIDN'T see her today at least.