AM is sooo right, Winter.

It was seeing him last night that did it.

Withdrawal all over again..once you break PLAN B..

I missed that part...that you had seen him..

Thanks to everyone (((hugs))))))
My oldest son took me to the show tonight to see xmen. He made it clear to the other 2 it was just me and him. I had a nice time.
I know next time if hes here when i get home from school - i will just drive around.
I didnt know what to do that's why i sat on the steps.
I am going again to the counsler thursday (they have to staff me to see what course of action is needed) I will use the suggestions until they decide if meds will help.
I did ask for something to help me sleep- but that was another no for now.
God must have a reason why this is not easy to get or a lesson to be learned. I want my attitude and self esteem to change and rise. I know i cant change anyone else but i can change Maury.
Im going to get me a cup of tea and read for a while tonight.
Im really thinking of not going to the 2nd session of summer school so i can come home from work and do things with the kids- they deserve fun and love and a whole mom not this shadow that is here.

Sounds good, WK. Do keep in mind that Plan B is not a magic potion to get your WH back -- if it were, there wouldn't be so much resistance on the board from BSs who don't want to take the risks inherent in Plan B.

Plan B is to protect YOU. It's to protect YOU from what you've gone through in the last 24 hours. It's a recognition that you have no control over the affair, and that it will have to play out. It's a statement that you want to step out of the drama -- the kind of psychological drama you've been through in the last 24 hours.

It's the beginning of rebuilding your life without WH. He may come back, he may not come back -- it's not in your hands. But either way, you will go on and make the rest of your life the best of your life. It begins now.

Thanks am - your right it begins now. I keep hearing this in my mind all day: God is with those who persavere. your right i need to protect my mind and heart. I am too vulnarable right now and that's why God has not put anyone in my path during these months. i thought it was because i felt ugly. i know that's not it.
Question: My son is hovering and worrying about me tonight- how can i calm him or he shouldnt be taking care of me ii should be comforting him. He wants to sleep right along by me or on the floor by me tonight. I dont want him to be afraid or think i am going to do something... im not.

How old is he? Why not just be frank and tell him you are having a very hard time and you know you might be scaring him now, but you appreciate his love, and though times are difficult now, they will get better.

13 years old- a sweet loving kidest giving kid you ever want to meet. will give you the shirt off his back

Winterkisses -
We could be sisters!!!! I'm not depressed (or at least I don't think I am) but the value I put on myself is really the value I see in the eyes of others. In other words, I believe that I am only as valuable as other people think I am.

Not true and this is really a hard thing for me.

I'm in my mid 40s and I carry a lot of baggage around w/me. I have "allowed" my WH to treat me lower than dirt and I've kept coming back for more.

Over time Ark^^ has posted some of the best advice I have seen but, I have a hard time taking it. And, in the end, all the advice in the world won't help us if we don't take it.

It's really easy to sit at this PC and type a response to someone I don't know and whose shoes I'm not walking in. But, I can tell you from experience (and I'm still in the middle of it) that wayward spouses will cake eat. My WH has had at least 5 As that I know of but he still wants to be my H. I do all sorts of stuff for him and I have a tendency to put my child in second place over a philandering WH.

I tried a Plan A for a short time but, when things started coming out about what he had actually been doing since we separated, I made the decision that I could not go back. I never tried Plan B and I have filed for divorce.

I've read all the books and all the posts here and I know that Plan B has nothing to do with getting your spouse back. It has everything to do with getting you into a better place so that if the marriage works out that's great but, if it doesn't, you will be in a physical and emotional state to where it will only be a minor blip on your radar screen.

Once again, it's all a lot easier said than done. We both know that our value as a person has nothing to do with having a man in our lives but, we waste a lot of time acting like that.

I absolutely do not advocate divorce. Divorce has made a mess of our kids, our families, our country. But, the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to do an awesome Plan B. If you love your WH and you want him back, the best thing you can do is show him what he's missing. It's not an emaciated, crying, doormat. It's a strong, independent, confident woman. And, through it all you just may decide that you deserve so much more than what he is able to give you. You may even decide that she really deserves him so much more than you do!!!

AS for me, I've decided to walk on. Walk away. Close the door. Now, taking the final step is proving to be the hard part but, I'm getting there. I've got so much going for me. I'm still young, reasonably attractive, good job, good family, great daughter. (See - I'm trying to convince myself that I'm worthy of love - and I am).

I keep praying to God for His will in my life and in my M. I was doing so one day this week and turned on a Christian radio station and the first thing I heard was a minister quoting this scripture:
Galations 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

God doesn't want us to live in bondage and doesn't want us to live a life that is less than His will for us. Yes, He does allow hardship into our lives to make us turn to Him and to mold us more into His image but, we are children of the King. I don't deserve the M I have lived and neither do you.

God Bless.

life2short- thank you .....I dont want to stay in this forest im in... i want t o step into the sun.
Im doing the plan b with the heartset that whatever Gods will for me and my marriage that i will accept it and grow. That it wont kill me if its truely done or if if it isnt over that my marraige will be a plus and not an idol that i made it.
I have so much work to be done on me- i know. I am on the floor and havent learned to crawl yet but i am READY to learn. I do have somethings going for me:
a good heart
a spirit in me that wont let me just end my life.
3 children that love me
a will to want to love and accept myself

WK, when I read you first post, it broke my heart...I haven't posted on this site in a very long time...and I haven't read any one elses replies to you....

I think that seeing your H made you trigger...You are also stressed out and sleep deprived...I am asuming you have three kids and are going to school fulltime...and also work...You are extremely overstressed and when we are that stressed sometimes we get to a point where our bodies just cant do it anymore...

I would suggest to you that you find another DR that will put you on some AD's...maybe just temporarily...but it will help you cope a bit better with all this trauma...

I went thru all what you are going thru for a year and half...I tried desperatly to save my marriage even with an OC involved...My dad also died right in teh midst of my H affair...

YOU have to get to a point within YOURSELF to make a decision..NO ONE else can make that decision for you...IF you don want to do PLan B then dont by all means....It is not a guarantee to end the affair...If you want to divorce him then diovrce him...

But you and only YOU have to make these decisions yourself...Plan B is HARD...you are a HUMAN and contacting your H because you want to talk to him or whatever is only NATURAL...do not let anyone tell you otherwise...

One day you will get to aplace where you can move forward...whether it is with your H or without him...you will be ok...

someone will love you...it may not be your H but someone will love you..I felt the same way as you do now...and I am now very much in love with a wonderful man who treats me like a queen...and who even puts up with my three crazy boys <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Do not ever underestimate your own self worth...You wll get it back...I am living proof of it...

You need to getsome rest and relax...you will never be alone, as you have your 3 kids to raise...be strong for them...they deserve you...good luck

OH I also wanted to add to you...I was also a very bitter, angry person...I was never like that before...I wondered what happened to me and why I was allowing myself to live in this turmoil..

One day I realized I dont HAVE to live in this chaos...

You dont either...

TJ - Hi MOM!! How bout an update?

LOL...because people dont like me here and it will cause all kinds of drama..I'm afraid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

People here like you. And I want to hear all that has happened.

.......and a whole lot of folks praying for you and walking right beside you.

It's not a journey any of us would have picked; it was picked for us.

In the deepest part of your gut where you are most honest with yourself you know whether or not your husband is a "keeper". You may be a lot like me in that I go through the "what will I do without him" stuff. But, I've been separated for more than two years now. I live w/a family member but have the resources to get my own home; he's keeping ours - it was his before we married.

So, you have to answer for yourself.........

what does he add to my life?
what does he take away from my life?
can I live without him?

I've gone through all those things.. examples:
if the car breaks down tomorrow on the side of the road, what will I do?
answer - call a tow truck, call my BIL, call my nephew

if the waterheater dies tomorrow?
Lowes has installers for a fee

if the yard needs mowing?
I have a 14 y/o who needs to know how to do that or I can do it

If I get lonely I can spend a couple of days with the couple I know who fights the most and count my blessings that it's not me anymore!!!!!!

I truly believe that God wants the best for me. I believe that when I am truly over all this He will send someone my way. I believe that I will not spend the rest of my life alone. I have a lot to offer someone and I believe there is someone out there that I can share my life with.

I choose to believe that things happen for a reason. I made some whopper mistakes in this marriage. Did they give him the right to cheat? No, but I can look back and see that I could have done some things differently. So, I need to start the task of working on me.

I am only responsible for me. I can only change me. I need to do some things differently for myself. I need to allow some self esteem back into my life. It's funny that I'm only wishy washy in my personal life. In my professional life I am very organized and decisive. In my personal life I'm a mess.

You will be fine. You may even find that in time you prefer your "new" life to your old. What you and I need to do is find things to fill the void that our WH's absence has created in our lives.

Thanks for the kind words momto3boys! I have decided i need the rest and wont go to the 2nd summer school session. i am going to devote the summer to healing with my kids. They need it and i need it. It will give me a chance to think clearly without the ters blinding me. I know i need to help heal with my past before i can move with the future. I am so happy you found someone to love you the right way. I hope to be in that spot soon. I know ive got to learn to love me first, and i havent loved me in a long time. i dont even know where to start, but i will read and take the suggestions to heart.

Mimi, you say:


Is a year NO TIME even when your WH has filed for D? Sorry for the threadjack, but I'm wondering.

Winterkisses, I've never posted to you before, but I've gotta tell you, everything you're describing sounds like withdrawals to me. When I went into Plan B, I was great for a week or two, and then BAM! It hit me, and it was BRUTAL. I couldn't believe that I was missing someone who'd become so cruel, and every little thing I heard from him put me back a hundred paces. It helped so much when someone pointed out that it was withdrawal, and it was temporary (I was told it would last anywhere from three weeks to three months - mine lasted thee months almost to the day) and that it was imperative that I not break Plan B while going through it. Although living none of the MB principles during an A is actually EASY, the improvement to your life in Plan B (after withdrawals) is OUT OF SIGHT. So please - hang in there, give it a good go, live your life, and just stand by for the better days that are surely coming.

Winterkisses -
Just wondering how you're doing?
Off to church soon.
Sending prayers your way.

A whole year for nothing...

How can that be? All you have learned about yourself, relationships, love...

So much, can't be nothing, can it?

LA

you guys are so wonderful- you are making me cry and i dont have enough water to spare- lol. Im doing a little better today- got up at 8:30 usually im up at 5:30 am.
i am going to do laundry, and get myself together to go to work tomorrow.
One step at a time.
your so right i am learning so much during this time.
i want to live.... i want to be here...i want to be happy.
there is so much more for me to learn.. one is to forgive, forgive myself and him. and have my moments of forgetting. and that i am independant.

Winter--you need to take baby steps, you have grown in the past year whether you think it or not. Sometimes our actions don't appear as if we have learned anything, but deep inside, if you reflect you will see a different winter. Yes the hurt and the experience can change you, but its not the end of the world. It can be a new life for you, if you do in deed decide to go through with the divorce, but it shouldn't define who you are. First off you are a good mom, which can not be said for you WH. Hang in there, you are now on the right track from reading your post above.