I have a question, and seriously need some third party advice.

My H has a female friend from the state he used to live before we met. (400 miles away)
They were friends for years before we met, and she was married when he and I started dating. She went through a pretty nasty divorce after H and I moved in together. She went through a period where she was calling him almost daily to “vent”. I finally expressed to him that it was probably not appropriate for him to be talking with her every day, especially consoling her about her relationship. It eventually faded off to a couple calls a month. She has reconciled and broke up again with her H over the past couple years, and gives all details to H. I have been pretty OK with this, because she called the house and they would carry on a conversation even if I was in the room, so it was easy to trust nothing was going on.


The thing that I want to ask about is that over the past year, she has stopped calling the house. She calls his cell phone. He never calls her from the house, and although they talk about once a week, I have not heard a conversation in over a year, probably longer. I noticed on one bill that he had called her late one night after we had a big argument. They talked for an hour. He had called her several times that month, much more than normal.

I called her and asked her about the increased frequency of the calls. I told her I was concerned about an EA. She assured me over and over that there was NO chance she would ever get involved with a married man, so I could rest assured. She even apologized for my worry. I told her I was not OK with her and my H discussing our M. She again assured me that he never discussed any problems with her, they usually just talked about her “stupid boyfriends” and messed up relationships. This talk made me feel a lot better, but I am still uneasy about their relationship.

I want to ask my H to only call her from home, and not to answer the phone if she calls his cell phone-to just wait till he gets home and call her then. Am I being too insecure? I know he is going to be upset if I ask him to do this. Could I have your opinion on how I should approach this friendship?

PS- he had an EA with an ex 3 years ago, and it was all on his cell phone and hidden, and eventually went to calling cards at pay phones. We recovered from that-so maybe I am just a little too paranoid from that experience????

Normally - and this is just me - I wouldn't see a problem. I try to call my friends on the cell phone, partly because of the included long distance, and also so I'm not spending time at home talking to my friends when I could be spending time with my wife and son. I try to call my friends on the way home from work, on the way to the store, and so on.

However...the fact that your H has already had an EA throws up a yellow flag for me. I think you are right to be paranoid, and given his history I think it's reasonable to ask him to only talk to her from home.

I'll call it a red flag.

Sounds like trouble.

This female friend may be being honest with you - unless she's not.

I suggest you call her again - right after you talk to your husband about your concerns. Do not keep your concerns suppressed, IMHO.

If she needs to talk to somebody about her relationship problems, maybe she should get professional counseling - assuming that's what they're REALLY talking about. He's YOUR husband first.

In the meantime, what can you do to improve your role as a spouse? If this is a second EA, you may be a contributor to the poor marital state that fosters the EAs.

I have been in plan A for about 3 months now because we were near divorce due to other factors(not ea). H is not really following MB, but is interested in working on M. He is currently enjoying the benefits to him of my Plan A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I agree with bitbucket, and for the same reasons that he stated.

Your request is NOT unresonable. It IS something that your husband can do to make you feel "safe".

Friendships between opposite sex friends can develop into EA's and they do so slowly and by degrees. It is best to "nip this in the bud" and bring the communications fully back into the open.

As an example, I have stated to my opposite sex friends that they call me at my home phone, that way my W may join in. To be honest, I prefer that she join in as the opposit sex friends are mutual frends anyway.

And to be even more honest, I have NOT given my cell # to any of my opposite sex friends. The only people that I have given my cell # to are: Mother, MIL, W, & My super @ work. I know if a call comes in to my cell I need to take it.

Well, good.

If he's interested in working on the marriage, perhaps he wouldn't disagree with your request to consult one of the MB counselors. Raise your concerns with him/her and seek advice.

By "H is not really following MB" what do you mean? Is he opposed to something about MB or not interested in really "following" anything, and just wants it all to get better?

WAT

I know I have this old fashion belief, but when you are out there sorting through the cookie jar looking for just the right cookie and you take it out of the jar, it's time to leave all the other cookies alone and right where they are. Opposite sex relationships allow too much room for problems. And no matter how much a person says they are just best friends, there is just something about one best friend having a vagina and the other having a penis.

You answered for me. In his mind he truly thinks that if God meant for us to be together- we should not have to struggle to have a happy M. I explained to him that we have to do the hard work now, and then we will enjoy the benefits of it later, as long as we maintain the MB principals.....He is a hard sell on anything to do with self-help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Next time he says something like that (If God meant....) respond, "Well if God meant for you to run around nekkid you would have been born that way!"

Maybe he'll get the point.

Waiting for things to get better by themsleves has one guarantee - tomorrow you'll still be waiting.

Could be he's deep in an EA. Dual marriage working cannot commence until that's ended.

What's the status of the OW's marriage now?

WAT

WAT

This is how I feel. I cut off contact with all male friends, exes etc. whenever I am in a serious relationship. If it were up to me, I would say NC with her or any other "vagina friends" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I am trying to be reasonable. I also think he would get way put out and it would be some kind of LB if I asked for NC. I am afraid the request to only talk to her from home will turn into some kind of LB, or argument- or me getting my feelings hurt..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

SHe is and has been divorced for about 2 years now.

His last EA he talked to OW daily.

When I see his cell records(he knows I look at them. since the last EA-I demanded call detail) they only talk like once a week- and it is rarely more than about 100 minutes total a month. Could it be an EA with only that much contact?

I think when somebody spends time with another emotionally, and it takes away from your relationship and depletes the love credits there, and they are doing it in a secretive manner, it's still wrong. Whether it's an emotional affair, or they become overly emotionally attached or emotionally envolved, or just too close, you have been excluded......

And from the view point of a healthy marriage for your spouse to exclude you, that is wrong.

It's really hard for us to say. We can't see anything other than what you write.

But, that few calls - if those are really the only ones - doesn't suggest a hot and sweaty EA to me.

But if it's not doesn't mean it can't or won't be. I suggest you assume it is an ongoing EA and continue Plan A. Maybe hold off further exposure until you have more red flags - which means keep looking for them.

Please consider the opinions of others.

JMHO

WAT

Are there a lot of calls from blocked numbers? Maybe she is dialing *67 to talk anonymously. Maybe she has another number where he most often calls her. (Or maybe one of the other million and a half ways of communication is going on.)

Just keep your eyes open, and if there is something to find, you will find it.

FWIW, I would be concerned, too.

I look over all "unavailable" numbers- I am still very wounded from the first EA, and want to make sure there is absolutely NC. All the unavailable usually come from me- my cell # is automatically blocked-so I cross reference and there are usually a miniscule amount of unaccounted calls, and they are always less than 10 minutes. I am on top of the spying game. I unfortunately had to be with his first EA. He would promise NC, but really he would just find a new way to contact OW. I would never have guessed a non-physical affair could devastate me so bad...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But anyway-I think I am just going to ask him if he could only call her from home-just to help me feel "included" in theire friendship. I will explain that them onlly talking on his cell makes me feel excluded-which makes me worry....how does this sound???????

I think it sounds right on target! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As I stated earlier; this is something HE can do to make you feel safe.

Just a quick question: Do you have another extension in your house so you could "jump in" the converstation? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

yes- we do that all the time when my boys call from their dad's. We both get on and talk with them. Maybe I will do that, I just wouldn't want it to seem like I am trying to "intrude", she has never met me. (she lives 400 miles away from us)
Just knowing he has nothing to hide ie:talking to her at our house while I am home-will make me feel much much better.....