First of all, I appreciate having a site such as this to share my story and my feelings. I hope and pray that you guys will be able to give me advice and support to help me fight for my marriage. I love my wife, I love my kids and want nothing more than to be a good husband and father to my family. Lately, I have found it very difficult to even stay in my house. Here is my story.

My wife and I have been married for nearly 13 years. We did not get married under ideal circumstances. We got married 2 months after we graduated from high school because she was pregnant and we thought it was the best thing to do. I truly felt like I loved her and that she loved me so we thought everything would be good. For 12 years, I felt that we were doing okay. We have made a good life for ourselves. Our family now consists of 4 children and they are our pride and joy. We have a nice home in a nice town and have many friends and family close by. You would think everything was great.

Last November, I walked in on my wife and her best friend (a woman) making out on the couch. I was angry to say the least. My wife told me that it happened because they were drunk, which I believed. The only problem is that that for the first 12 years of my marriage, my wife wouldn’t touch alcohol. So now all of the sudden my wife is drinking and kissing a woman all at once. My emotions were all over the chart. The next day, we had a conversation where my wife told me some startling things. The most startling was that she has faked her life over the past 12 years, which basically meant that she didn’t love me and that she never did. I didn’t believe her and I still don’t but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear. In a feeble attempt to help alleviate some of her guilt, I told her that 6 years prior, I had had a similar experience with a woman. I told her that I had kissed another woman. That was the truth and it ended there. It was something that I had been aching over for a long time and it was good to get it off of my chest, but needless to say it didn’t help matters. She now no longer trusted me either.

For a month and a half after I caught my wife, I was a different man. I would leave my wife a little note on her mirror everyday. It was either an inspirational message or a note to tell her what I loved about her. I would help her clean. I played with the kids more. I bought her flowers and other small gifts. Then one day I got a little suspicious. I’m not sure if it was because she had decided to train for a marathon and was now gone every evening to work out or what it was but I was suspicious. The next day I knew that my wife’s friend was going to come over and help my wife bake cookies for my son’s school Christmas party. I therefore set up a tape recorder so that I could ease my suspicions. I thought that I was being paranoid and I was going to prove it to myself. As it turns out, I wasn’t being paranoid. They were still doing things with each other.

When I listened to the tape, my heart sank. It was like watching a train wreck. You don’t want to watch but you can’t take your eyes away. It was the worst day of my life. When I confronted her, she denied it even though I had the proof.

Anyway, we are still living under the same roof as roommates. She says she has made mistakes and that she is sorry for what she did. She refuses to give up her friendship with this woman and tells me that nothing is going on and nothing ever will again. I don’t trust her. Plus, she is unwilling to meet my needs. She will not kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, or have sex. She has a hard time being in the same room with me. She basically wants nothing to do with me. Everyday it seems to get worse.

What can I do to get her to come back around to me? Am I hoping for something that will never be? Should I just leave? Please help.

Read....read...read!! Everything on this site!

This has little to do with you and alot to do with your W's internal struggles.

Don't just leave. Stay with this site...so MANY good people here!!!!

I'll post more later. Keep your chin up...and one breath at a time!!
MWIL

Is the OW your wife has hanky-panky with also married ???

Pep

The OW is also married. He does not know about the A and I would be afraid to tell him. Not for my own safety but for the safety of the OW and her family. He is an abusive man and would potentially hurt or kill her. I love my wife and I have compassion for both my wife and the OW but this relationship must not continue. I don't really feel like my wife is attracted to women. I just think that they confused their emotions and one thing led to another.

Here is the way I interpret the situation. I have never been a perfect husband. My wife has always looked to me to provide things to her that I was never willing to give. For example, she would always want me to sit with her in the bathroom while she took a shower and got ready for bed. I did it very rarely because I always had "something better to do". I would usually lay on the couch and watch TV. This is just an example. There are many others that I could share. Needless to say, I have neglected the relationship over the years. I took it for granted. She wanted me to be her best friend and I wasn't there for her. She wanted to be #1 in my life. I never gave her that.

She, over the years of our marriage was always searching for a best friend. She always had a hard time getting and keeping her woman friends. Usually she would find a friend who already had a best friend and there wasn't room for her to be that. Looking back, I feel compassion for her. She was always searching for that one special friend. All of her life, my wife has had to deal with rejection: rejection by her mother, rejection by her father, rejection by her friends, rejection by her husband.

Enter the OW. She has always been rejected by everyone in her life as well. Plus she has been physically abused by her H. They meet and become good friends. The problem was that they were both concerned about rejection. When my wife would talk to another friend, the OW would think that she was going to be replaced and the same think with my W. In order to prove to each other that they were irreplaceable, they did things with each other that they obviously wouldn’t do with anyone else, hence the problem.

This is why my wife has a hard time letting her go. She doesn’t want to lose, in her mind, the 1 person who has put her #1 in her life. She also doesn’t want to reject someone who has struggled with the same issue. I do feel like my wife is sorry for what she has done, but don’t think she is willing to give her up. I'm not sure if it is possible to have intimate relations with someone and then totally cut that part out and just be friends. This is what my wife says she has done but how do I trust that. Why would she give up someone who makes her feel loved and special for someone who hasn’t ever done that for her before? I understand her dilemma, but there has to be an answer, right?

She also justifies keeping her friend because she says that our marriage was dead before it happened anyway. She doesn’t feel like she is a hindrance to us resolving our problems if they are indeed able to be resolved. She says that if she removes the friend from her life that she will just hate me more because she will be giving up someone that she doesn’t want to.

Thank you all for your concern and your help.

Well, maybe this will come across as extremely harsh... but that is not really your problem is it??? It seems like a sure fire way to end this mess. Expose, expose, expose and let the OW worry about her own family crisis that happens because of it.

Typical fog speak!!!!

I appreciate your opinion about the OW, but if I did decide to expose, I would do everything in my power to make sure her husband didn't hurt her. I'm not sure what power I would have. Probably none.

I just wish that everyday was not so hard. My wife can be so stubborn and I'm afraid that her stubbornness will end up ending our marriage. Eventually, I think she will see the mistakes that she has made, but then it might be too late. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

Yesterday, my wife told me that she doesn't find me attractive and that she doesn't see that I have any redeeming qualities. How does one go about living with someone who is so quick to doll out such horrible comments? I think I should just cut my losses and leave. Helpful insights are appreciated.

Fog talk, She'll say and do anything to keep the A going, They all do, they are have been abducted by alians and the mothership is controling what they say. I know it sounds corney, but thats what i was told and it makes perfect sense. look for the book SAA (Surviving and Affair) buy it, read it and live it.



Dont leave, It's your house and your kids, let her do it if that's what she wands. Read about Plan A, execute a good plan A and then a plan B if needed.

I exposed my wife on May 13th to her, I made a few mistakes and agreed to a few things I shouldnt have and Then on June 13th I had to expose her to friends family and her boss, My WW said things to me I couldnt believe, basically it's all fog babble. I ruined her perfect world, and made it harder for her to conduct her A, I think It stopped but dont know for sure.

Your WW will do the same thing, she'll say things she otherwise wouldnt say. You need to expose, dont tell her 1st or she'll get to them 1st and fill their heads with talk about you. When exposing, dont dwell on the fact she had an A, or make her out to be the bad guy, jsut say you value your M, and will do anythign to save it, keep that as your mantra.
Good Luck

I'm just so lonely living with my wife. I feel like I would be less lonely living alone. It's very difficult to be around someone who has the ability to be your friend, companion, and lover and chooses not to be. The sad thing is that I believe these words that she says are actually true. She cried before we got married and didn't want to do it. Our sex life has struggled since we got married because she never wanted to do it. I just think the things she tells me now are things that she just had never told me but were true all along. I feel like there is absolutely no hope and that I'm just wasting my time. I am still fairly young (31) and don't want to stay in a hopeless situation. If my wife is not willing to love me and care for me as her husband then I want to find someone who will. I want desperately for it to be her but it doesn't look or feel like it will be. I obviously would need to take time to heal before diving into another relationship, but I don't want to live forever in this situation. It doesn't seem like it will ever get better. How do I go on like this?

Sandbelly,

I am sorry it is so difficult for you right now.

There is one thing you do have and that is 4 children.

Things may be tough right now but you do need to think about them before you make a decesion.

It may be easier for you to leave right now but there is a chance to save your M and if that exists you should take it.

Everyone is right it probably is fog talk. Here is how I look at it.

If she didn't say those things about you and she replaced them with how geat you are etc. How could she justify her actions. You must be a bad H or she wouldn't be doing these things.

Exposure and NC might help her see that some day. As long as there is contact she needs those justifications and you will be the bad guy.

There is the possibility that your wife is gay and is now coming out of the closet. She may have been repressing this because of the stigma and now doesn't want to live a lie anymore. I don't want to be disrespectful but that is the only way I could put it.

You talked about struggling because she never wanted to that may be the reason.

I don't know how to find out from her except for asking.

Helpful Insight #1? You are going to lose this battle in short order if you keep doing nothing.

Helpful Insight #2? Smash this fantasy affair by exposing just as you have been advised to here. OW'sH is your best allly here. And don't be sold the BS about him being abusive.

Or just continue to do nothing and watch your life turn to sh*t in front of your very eyes.

It's your call mate.

As a former police officer I have seen more than my share of domestic violence. However, “the OWH is abusive” is about as valid as “the dog ate my homework”. If it’s OMW you had to expose to you would probably get “she might miscarry” or “she is emotionally unstable”.

These are classic excuses and honestly – don’t let them stop you exposing.

Today was the day. I told her parents. Wow that was hard. Anyway, before I left, she basically egged me on saying go ahead and do it. It will be the last thing you have to hold over my head. She said that if I do it then I better be ready to leave. Now that I've done it, what do I do now?

About the husband being abusive. It is true. I have seen it with my own eyes.

HI Sandbelly,
Welcome to the board. I am actually in a very similar situation. My wife is also having a lesbian affair and refuses to give up the other woman because they are such good "friends". She also claims to not be attracted to me anymore and thinks she might be gay. Our marriage wasn't perfect but that doesn't give her the right to do what she did. What hurts most for me is the emotional affair, this thing went on for 8 months and they are "in love" and want to get married and have babies together (which is not even friggin possible). It sounds like they were not quite that involved, but you should find out how far it went and how long its been going on.

Try your best to plan A and show her you are the choice. This didn't really work for me, I thought it did but I found out how she was spending a great day with me having fun one day, and then spending the next whole day with her. I lost it and pretty much wanted to kill her and the girl, but instead I just became very verbally abusive and vulgar to her. It just angered me so much that she swore it was over and that we were working on us, only to find out that she has been seeing her a lot the past two months that it was supposedly over. I'm pretty much heading towards a Plan B now, but I really have no hope for my marriage. I really just want to get away from her now, can't believe some of the things she has done to me. I think about it day and night, can't eat, cant sleep, cant work. I'm going to lose my job for sure unless I work about 16 hours everyday for the next month to make up for time lost in the past month dealing with my wife.

Sorry, I'm venting, I was just so relieved to see someone else in my situation, I really dont understand the whole lesbian thing (it almost pisses me off more than anything). Anyway, good luck, keep us updated as far as how things are going.

Oh, one last thing for anyone who has followed my story before. Just this weekend I found out that on top of the lesbian affair that lasted the past 8 months, there was an online affair that lasted the 1st year of our marriage (at least-not sure about any of it yet) that lead to her flying across the country to visit him a few years ago (she was supposedly visiting family). I really had NO CLUE about that one, the [censored] one I knew all along, but this new one just takes the cake. I am at a loss for words now. I really just want to die. My marriage is over for sure now, we have been married for 3 years and she was pretty much unfaithful the entire 3 years. ANYONE think there is anyting here to save, the girl is just plain evil I think.

You finish the exposure you have only just started - starting with OW'sH, friends, family, neighbours - basically anyone here who can influence her actions.

And the abusive husband is a cop out. Tell him. I am sure if the roles were reversed you would want to know.

deewhit12, I am sorry to hear that there is someone else going through the same crap as me. It isn't easy and I feel like it would have been easier if it were a guy, but it wasn't. My wife swears to me that she isn't gay and admits that she made mistakes. She doesn't understand why I want her to give her friend up because nothing is going on anymore. They are just friends. Whatever!

Do you have any kids? If I didn't, this would be a lot easier. Obviously, the pain wouldn't be different, but the decisions that need to be made would be. I have 4 kids and they will be devastated if I leave. In their eyes, we have a nice little family. They are the only thing that keeps me going. I never want to get out of bed but I have done suprisingly well getting to work over the past few months. I have only missed a few days. My productivity has definitely taken a huge dive because, like you, this is always on my mind.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and God Bless!

It hit the fan. My wife packed her bag and out the door she went. What do I do now? Please help.

She's walked out???

She's left you and your four kids???

As far as your backside is concerned (the legalities of divorce if things should go that way) this is good. It's called "abandonment" and will bode well for YOU winning primary custody of your children.

If she calls and tries to get YOU to leave for the better of the "family" do NOT agree. Prove to yourself and any future judge that YOU can handle the kids on your own.

Fight for your marriage but protect your legal backside the entire way. Document everything. Keep a journal. Send emails talking in generalities but with the sole intent of documenting facts to support your case. For example, slide into an email in a couple days how devasted you and the kids were when she walked out on y'all. You see 6 months or a year from now when you are in a custody battle she'll likely try to downplay the situation as she just went out for a couple nights to "think", YOU were threatening her or YOU threw her out. She'll lie her butt off to make today sound like other than "abandonment"...documentation on your part is KEY.

Good luck...you will make it.

Mr. Wondering

Forgot to mention.

She says she's not gay and likely just wants to manipulate you into allowing her to continue her "friendship". She's trying to punish you for exposing. Your marriage can survive anger...most likely, she'll be back within 24-48 hours.

Thats why it important to make it appear as abandonment very quickly....you likely don't have a lot of time to establish this.

Edited to add: Don't call her cell phone and try to talk all night. Instead call her parents and act like you don't know where she is and tell them she walked out on the family. Call the police and indicate you can't find her and are concerned and would like to file a report (this is good for court later). Just be rational and think this through. You've got a lot of brains here working for you and she only has herself and her "girlfriend" to try to play their typical game. You have more power than you think. Trust me...I've been there.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the input. I'm just trying to get through this a minute at a time, but each minute seems like an hour.