My wife and I have been having trouble in the past year. She has had multiple affairs and we have been trying to work things out. She never came home last night and when I did call her this morning I went off and let my taker get the best of me. I want to fix this but She has to go tho work and I will not see her all day. Could flowres and a note help or am I totally in the dog house. One last thing I used to be "confuzedinwv" but for some reason I could not get that account fixed. Please help I am so sorry for going off on her and I really want to make this better but I no longer have any clue how to do that. SAVE ME!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'm kind of new here (I'll introduce myself properly on another board), but I admit I'm confused.

Your wife, who you say has had multiple affairs, and didn't come last night, is mad at you?

I don't know your whole story, so I apologize for speaking out of turn, but I would say your wife owes you some flowers and a note (at a minimum) and definitely some respect.

Sorry if I'm off base, but I have no idea what you think you need to apologize for....

Sorry to take so long but I guess I really need to explain. The affairs ARE over this I do know. She did not come home that night because she was out with her sisters at a beer fesival (I would have liked to go but "girls night out" ). I have no problem with her going but I would have liked to be in the loop. I really was out of line going off on her first thing in the morning like that though. I guess that in the last two years alot has happened but she came back and wanted to work things out. She only at the very beginning seemed sorry for what she had done. Now she seems to have forgotten that she did have 4 affairs in the space of 6 months. None of these men were able to deal with her for more than a week before telling her to get lost. How do I show her that she NEEDS to EARN my trust this time instead of just calling me a jerk for not trusting her. Not telling me about last friday just pushed me over the edge I guess I just lost it. Maybe I was right, maybe I was wrong but I know that she was not right to keep her plans from me. I want her to earn my trust but I do not want it to seem like a chore for her because then she will just give up. I am willing to give this "marriage" one more chance but after that I will be going back to the "D" forum for support again. You do have to save yourself even if you cannot save your spouse. How do I show her all of this? It would seem that she is still deep in the fog and can't see out. I need to be her light how do I do this? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I back eyecolts answer, Crx...

Her affairs are over...is your trust rebuilt? If you do not trust her...not to have another affair, ONS, or trust her to come home...then this will be WHY you went off on her...

Still yours, the going off on...the LBing...however, she has half the responsibility of earning your trust back, and you have half in choosing to trust her.

You don't trust her. Is it you don't trust her to do what she says she's going to do...such as, come home and not stay out all night? Or not trust her to not betray you again?

Takes two years to recover from an affair, with a lot of hard work and radically honesty during those two years.

Have you read "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend? Might help you out on the earning trust and giving trust...along with owning what is yours and not hers.

Great read, too, IMO.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And have you read "Love Busters" by Dr. Harley? Her calling you a jerk is abusive...name calling isn't marriage building. Of course, AO's (angry outbursts) are not either. Only own your part...not the whole situation. In marriage, both partners have their parts...hey, would that be why we're called partners? Hmmm. I just thought of that.

I'm such a word nerd.

You cannot control what seems a chore to her or not...and earning your trust or honoring your marriage is her choice, not a chore, in reality.

Do you know your boundaries? They your own property lines...and they match your standards...and you're right about exampling it...

You choose your actions from your standards and boundaries...revoke your permission to react...only to act.

She may be in the fog...fog is entitlement, fueled by resentment and a lack of respect.

I define that so you can also check yourself for these ingredients.

Study Plan A and being authentic. That would be you choosing your standard of openness and honesty...whatever you are craving from your partner, most likely, you're not giving it yourself.

O&H statments are important. They share who you are with your partner...statements about your thoughts, feelings and beliefs. They are yours...she doesn't make you crazy, angry or happy. You do that. They are your feelings. Hers are hers. Her choices affect you...your response, how you enforce your boundary, is what is within your control.

Not her actions.

You are working to save your marriage...how much have you learned in the last two years about yourself...your own ENs and LBs? What were the requirements for her to come back and recover your marriage? Do you guys do communication exercises? Schedule a lot of RC time?

LA

Well it is over. She has a lawyer and will be filing soon. She is moving south with her younger sister. I guess the alcohol and parties won out over me. I just can't bear her lies anymore. I have to force myself to give up now. How do I get over her? I am so lost now I had really put all I had to give into the marriage but she could not see out of her foggy hole. Sorry to bring bad news but that is that I do not think there is even the slightest chance of anything saving us this time. Off to the divorce board I go.....

I'm confused...she has a lawyer and will be filing soon...that's her action and your belief in one sentence.

You're choosing to give up...have you read a lot here on MB? Many, many WS's do this...and do not file, or follow through with the divorce...

Plan A was the answer to your present question of how do you get over her...doing all of it, everything you can is the process of getting to where you can walk away with love, from choice, after the judge decrees the divorce...and not before.

If you are choosing to divorce, then I advise you to be honest...file yourself. You have that right...and you will find your way.

Living in reality when you're with a fogged out spouse is difficult...but Plan A is about bringing reality, which means you stay in it...and not live in the future which hasn't arrived, nor participate in fantasy.

If you're done, you're done. Own that. No forcing yourself or her forcing you...live honestly.

LA

Sorry to hear that the marriage is over.

Why not jump before you are pushed. File the divorce papers on her.

It might make you feel better taking action to put your life back to track.
You will be in control of your own life. There is nothing to be gained just hoping she changes her mind and decides to stay.