Married for almost 3yrs, we just had a baby 7 months ago. All of a sudden my wife has changed drastically. Emotionally she is not there for me, on the level of intimacy its worse, we are averaging once a month on sex, that is if am lucky. And that is after also insisting and sometimes near pleading for intimacy. I have tried everything, am very aware of this site, before marriage and after marriage. It seems that she has time for everything else including vacations and weekend gateways but not intimacy. I started confronting her about two months ago and this what she said.

She started by saying how tired she is from work and how I don't help around the house...I responed by helping around the house and providing an in house nanny-my mom.

She stated that I need to be patient and work hard towards her....I ask for clarification but she don't know what she really meant by that. She said she is trying to be intimate, but honestly I don't see it, am the one initiating, setting the environment, trips etc. etc.

The funny thing is she has time for other things but not intimacy. Am angry, am starved for affection, I speak about this at least once a week, and all she says is am trying and I say how? Am the one bringing it up all the time...

At this point, am going to be honest, I have started masturbating, spending a lot of time at work, willing all of a sudden to go on overseas conferences (2-3weeks), I have started looking at other women when driving. I found myself telling a lady yesterday how beautiful she looks....

I don't want to start an affair, leave my marriage or hurt her, however, I feel like she is not helping or even willing to see the importance of this to us. I communicate this with her, I have gotten books, tapes etc. etc. but its not helping. I feel she just needs me to be around, pay the bills, and not go on conferences however, she is not willing to meet me halfway. Is my wife having some sort of affair???

Have you read anything about the phenomenon of women being less intimate right after the birth of a child - particularly a first child? Get into counseling before you rationalize doing something that you might forever regret. Talk about your problems with your wife instead of looking for a self-esteem boost from other women. Your wife is probably not cheating on you. You, howver, seem to be going to great lengths to convince yourself that if you have an affair, it is her fault. Women, particularly with a new baby (and this is from my own experience) prefer to pamper the baby and baby the baby - intead of baby-ing our husbands. It can be so drainging to care for a needy little person that a needy big person is left to their own devices - so, take care of yourself for a little while without depending so heavily on your wife taking care of you. If you need to mastrubate, then do it - but when looking at and flirting with the idea of sleeping with other women, you are crossing the line. Give your wife a break. Can you go several months without regular sex? Yes you can. The more you act like a grown-up, the more likely your wife is to be attracted to you. Do some fun things with your wife without pestering her for sex. Engage her mind with adult conversation and show her that you care about her - not wether she is putting-out at the drop of a hat. Figure out what it is you have liked most about your wife - her love of art? (take her to a museum) her quirky way of summerizing a book? (buy two copies of the current bestseller and read at the same time and compare thoughts with her) her love of off-the-wall music? (get her a quirky new CD for your rides in the car) etc. etc. Nobody appreciates it when someone engages them just to get what they want - i.e., sex.

Maybe it would be a good ideal to show your wife what you have just written. Maybe it will be a wake-up call to her that she stands to lose her husband and marriage with her attitude. Maybe she thinks you are willing to spend the rest of your life like this. I would show her the letter so at least it will not come as a surprise to her if the marriage falters.

Sorry, but I just have to say, Don't show her this post! All for One is right, this is probably just hormones. You are asking for more trouble than you ever imagined. DOn't show her this and don't start looking at other women! Read and research what happens to women after pregnancy, talk to her with your new knowledge. Reassure her that you can wait and be the best husband and father you can. Intimacy will come back if you don't kill it first.

Thank you, I am open to trying what will work, I guess I have been focusing too much on myself and have not really researched the issue. I also have a feeling it might have something to do with her birth control, I think its derpo vera (am not sure of the spelling), but its a birth control injection.
Its difficult for me now but am willing to listen, learn and try other new things. She tells me she don't feel like being intimate but she needs me to try and understand her. I will continue to have patience and research on the topic....

drainedpaps,
Good for you! You're right about the birth control shot, it probably has a lot to do with it. Your wife may need to consult her doctor. You are on the right track and can be the hero for your wife with the right attitude. She will never forget how you handle this.

hello.

i am a new mother myself. my son just turned one year old. and my husband is now conducting an affair. we are currently separated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i know having the baby has been a big factor on what happened. but i don't blame my baby. my husband should have just thought about what are the priorities right now rather than hook up with someone.

Please think twice about doing something to your marriage like have an affair. I am so devastated that my WH has been so selfish as to think about himself before me and our baby.

Our future now is so bleak... Please don't throw away your family for anything...