I invited M. to go to a cocktail party with me five weeks ago. He said, "That sounds fine." Today he cancels at noon. "Would you be upset if I bagged the party?" Well, no. I had really wanted to bag the prior night, but didn't, so I understand feeling like there's not enough time to get everything done.

Now here's where I started losing it. M. suggested he come up and see me AFTER the party.
I feel totally disrespected and hurt. What does he think I am?

In March, he cancelled coming to a party with me last minute, but I didn't think anything of it. Now, I really wonder.

I don't want to over react, but this has my eyes to red shot and my stomach so queasy, I don't know what to do. So far, I've been like ice to him.

I know this isn't fair, but heavens above! He could come for the SF but not the cocktail party. What does that say?

Okay GG....hang on.

Does he have a hard time in groups of people he does not know??
Could this be an anxiety thing?

However, no excuse I can think of for SF after and skipping out on the party first.

I would be hurt too.

K.

I hate parties. I'm a friendly person, one on one, but dread going where there are groups of people. I would give him credit for coming to see YOU. However, I think I might question him a little.

I don't know if I'd be upset GG,yet.Let's try and give him the benefit of the doubt.Perhaps he was just too tired to mix with a bunch of other people so rather than make you feel like you should miss out too,he suggests to be with you afterward even if it does include SF and sleeping too.Does he have to get up and leave for work or soemthing the next day? Is that why he can't stay? Was there some guarantee there would be SF? Maybe he just wanted to spend time with you.He did ask you if you would be upset if he bowed out.I guess I'm not sure if all this took place already.Did he say why he didn't want to go?

um, is he afraid of drinking in social circles? I am if I don't know anyone. . . so I only have one drink.

Was this formal? or a get together among friends? informal?

i suspect he is not a party person. . . especially if the cancellation is last minute. . .

I would state that he has cancelled twice at the last minute, and you find it very disconcerting to your plans, and wonder of what he is afraid? is the common theme alcohol? new people? combo? etc.

wiftty

Hey GG! Sorry we're communicating under difficult circumstances.

Tha fact that he's canceled twice at the last minute is significant.

My sugestion: Be direct. Remind him this is the second time he's cancelled at the last minute. Ask him if there's something about parties or your parties in particular that make him uncomfortable. Tell him the fact that he can't make it for the party but can come afterwards makes you feel...used? Uncared for? Disrespected?

Don't go at him when you're mad. Settle yourself. Make sure you're clear about what does bother you here & tell him that. Don't dance around the issue either. Get it done before you decide if he can come tonight or not. Don't let him come then punish him by being angry. He needs to know why you're upset.

Ah yes, I know that feeling well. Welcome to my world from last Monday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Best I can suggest is what others said - slow down, back off, cool off, and then talk to him very directly. See what is driving his actions. And tell him your frustrations.

AGG

Ok, the issue here is you don't appreciate the implication of a "booty call" (which I don't think he's doing) b/c if he's never been disrespectful before, and this isn't a typical pattern for him (and 2 cancellations doesn't count as a pattern in my book), then it sounds like, to me, he feels like you, just doesn't really want to go to the party but still wants to see you, but doesn't want you to cancel your plans just because he doesn't want to go.

Could this possibly be some "old stuff" (as in prior bf)coming up for you and maybe triggered you? IMVHO, I think you might be overreacting if BF has been a good guy to you throughout your relationship so far.....

If not, if his behavior has been questionable in the past, then most definitely address your concerns w/ him and share your feelings

Hugs!
DW

He has been, in general, nice. However, I have reservations about our "way of life." He's never been married and has no children. He does what he wants to.

So, today, I was okay with him not coming. Annoyed at the last minute cancel, but okay with it because we're an hour apart and I can understand being overwhelmed with chores on the weekend.

Yet, I do wonder. Sometimes, we all are faced with commitments we willingly made weeks before, and we wish we hadn't made them. Yet, because we want to honor our word, we do them anyway. We want to honor our commitment more than we want to ditch the party, volunteer work, whatever.

Apparently, M doesn't have any problem canceling last minute. Aside from the irriatation of fielding questions about where he was and why he couldn't come, I find myself wondering what it would be like if we were permenant. Would he suddenly cancel going to the school play? Would he decided a couple of hours before he didn't want to be bothered with an outting with my girls?

I will cool down before I say anything. Tuesday is the next time we'll see each other, but I may have to cancel that if I'm still wrapped this tightly.

On the up side, the party was really nice and I had a good time.

Oh, btw, M couldn't very well ask me to cancel my plans. It was a cocktail party honoring my newly married brother and his wife. Sort of a command performance for me. Course, I wanted to go to.

Hi GG,

At least you had a good time at the party.

Here we are with two people having relationships with never married, no children people & both are having difficulties. Gotta wonder...

The fact that the party was for your brother & his new wife would make this a priority event I should think. Not nice to cancel at the last minute but a bit worse for a personally important event.

Did you get a chance to speak with M? How did you tell him no for coming after the party? Do you think his behavior is more a function of not understanding commitment due to never being married?

You say he does what he wants. Does that include cancelling plans with family & friends at the last minute too?

I'm not sure he deserves to rot in ****** over this but it may indicate some me first thinking.

P.S. My dating life? Nada. The new guy with 4 daughters didn't work out. Two dates, about 2 months of communication, he wasn't interested in a third. Oh well, back into the pool!

That's too bad, Nams. Stinks.

M doesn't seem to commit to a lot of family events with his family. In general, I think he's a bit of a loner, which is fine by me, so long as he doesn't cancel at the last minute!

How did I tell him no? Basically, I said while I wanted to see him, it was silly for him to drive an hour to come up and see so late. The part was 50 minutes away from my house, so if I left the part at 8:00 I'd get home around 9.

When I say he does what he wants to do, I don't mean that he's an extreme case. More that he is only responsible to himself. He doesn't have to manage family logistics the way I do. He doesn't have to try to reconcile conflicting loyalties and duties the way a working single parent with two children needs to.

I think a lot of this is that I haven't been feeling well. I feel pulled in a million directions. I've shifted my priorities a little to make room for him in my life. I don't have a perfect back yard any more. LOL! But, I worry very much that I sipmly don't have the lifestyle he may want me to have.

I've married a 45 year old who had never been married. That one wanted to continue living the same life he always had. I don't want to make that mistake again.

For DW, Wiftty, Believer, and others...

My guess is you are correct in that M. is not a party person. My solution is not to invite him to any more parties, although that may be overkill.

M has said he is shy. I haven't really seen it, but maybe he is.

I will ask him about it today. I don't want to wait until Tuesday.

GG,
I'm glad you're going ahead and talking about it sooner rather than waiting until Tuesday. To wait would translate into even less sleep and more stress for you.

One of the things about shyness, people with this trait perceive themselves as such (due to uncomfortableness in public situations, poor self-image, lack of social skills, or whatever) but quite often are NOT thought of as shy among those who know them. It's an inner thing to deal with.

I'm sure you can be direct in talking to M without being accusatory. Let us know what his responses are.

Hi GG,

Sounds like a nerve that lives pretty close to the skin was hit here.

Unless you guys can't come to some understanding over this I don't think you need to dump him & run screaming the other direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

He definitely needs to let you know what's going on in his mind when he cancels at the last minute & you definitely need to feel comfortable with his answer. But I wouldn't be so quick to cut & run.

I'm anxious to her how your talk went. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, too bad with the father of 4 girls. I saw some potential there. I'm begining to see I'm very reserved with the guys I like but the ones I don't see potential with I'm more fun & open. Must be more stuff I need to deal with. Any ideas?

Well, Nams, maybe you should try to psyche yourself out by thinking you don't like the ones you like. That way, you'll be more outgoing and fancy-free.

I talked to M. I asked why he cancelled. He said "he changed his mind." and if I were looking for a deeper explaination, he didn't have one. Naturally, that didn't help.

I said how I was disappointed and thought if I had a better understanding I could avoid the situation in the future. I also said how I felt disrespected when he wanted to come up afterward. I knew that would hurt his feelings, but it was so true I had to share it.

So eventually, we talked around to how he's not ready to become part of my extended family. That's okay by me so long as he doesn't cancel last minute. So we're better.

We also had a long talk about me feeling overwhelmed. I've been so tired recently. It's tough. He offered to spend an hour or so doing chores with me when he comes up for dinner. LOL.

Ouch... that wouldn't help me either... I guess the obvious follow up question would be "Honey, does that mean I should expect this to be a regular pattern?".

Hmmm, I wonder if nams is on to something regarding the "never marrieds no kids people" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). Truly, it probably doesn't phase them at all to change plans on a whim, because they have been used ot doing that all their adult lives.

Interestingly, this is what G has been telling me in the past few days - that now that she is looking at herself critically, she is realizing how her lifestyle is not compatible with family lifestyle. Maybe M needs to have the same epiphany, that he can't just change plans on a whim if he is to have a relationship with someone, especially someone with kids.

Anyway, I do agree that a deeper talk is needed. Not about the last minute cancellation (that is a surface issue) but about the concept that if he is involved with you, he can't (or rather shouldn't) act like a single guy, which is the real issue.

AGG

I agree, AGG. I've brought it up before, and M knows it a big concern with me. M assures me there's nothing we can't work through, and that I shouldn't make assumptions about what he wants etc.

However, the problem is how will I know until it's too late?

I've been told to stay away from the NMNK types too. (never married/no kids). I want to believe that it can work because it sounds so much easier than blending families.
If M is not ready for extended family now, will he ever be? And your concern is probably, if he won't fit long term, why expose the kids now?

1 hour of chores. Great help! My last BF was not the helping type. I think it says alot about a relationship.

Too late for what, GG? To escape? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ask lots of questions, and compare them to his actions.