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Joined: Jun 2006
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My WH and I are separated. He has told me that when our baby is born (early December), he wants to have equal custody. I want to breastfeed; he thinks that's not healthy and wants to formula-feed.

I find it ironic that he wants equal custody when with our first child, he almost never helped out with childcare early on. In fact, he banished me and the baby to another room, so he could sleep. I don't remember him ever getting up at night to bring the baby to me to feed.

Is he being realistic? Would a judge allow him to have equal custody of a newborn? I would think a newborn needs to be with his/her mother at leasta for the first six months.

I think a part of it is becauuse he doesn't want to pay me child support. I'm not sure why when he makes so much more money than me. I also can't see how a newborn would fit into his life. He travels out of town at least once a week on business, and he is a workaholic.

I'm scared that I will have to give him equal custody. Any thoughts?


------------------------- me BS 37 WH 36 DS 5 Newborn 11 mos Married 11+ years WH EA/PA(??) with co-worker 5/05 -- present??? Found evidence of PA with OW on 6/23/06 however WH denies everything D-day: 1/11/06 (less than two weeks after 10th anniversary) Reconciled 2/12/06 but WH still works closely with OW WH left 6/5/06 (broke up via phone) Reconciled again 7/7/06 and working on our marriage. Separated once again 10/9/07 (OW still working with WH)
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I would imagine it would have to do with the laws of your state and the judge would way everything. I just don't have an answer for you except that I just love these men who "all of a sudden" want to be father of the year. I think if he is anything like my ex he is just doing it to p*ss you off, scare you or control you. I am going to end up having to let mine have overnights even though I don't want to. He lives in a one bedroom apt with ow. Who knows where my kids are supposed to sleep. But since I have not allowed him overnights he is trying to petition for full custody (which he would NEVER get) but we do share joint custody and the bottom line is I am going to have to let him have overnights. So I teach my kids good morals and values, take them to church, then they go with dad and all of that gets tossed out the window. But what are you going to do? If I had unlimited money I would fight his [censored] in court but I don't so....

sometimes, as much as we do not like it, we have to share our children that we want to protect with the wh's we want to protect them from because our laws just suck! just my opinion of course... mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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Breastfeeding unhealthy??? That is ridiculous - the opposite is true. La Leche League can provide you with wonderful advice and support. There are articles about this on their website, including:

The Breastfeeding Relationship and Visitation Plans

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Breastfeeding is absolutely healthier. If you end up with the baby half-time, you may find that you'll have problems with breastfeeding though.

If you're going to fight it out in court, surely you can get evidence that breast feeding is best.

The best interests of the baby ought to count for something.


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Hmm, newborn needs special consideration - I know that I was resistant to 50/50 with my kiddies, he never saw them while we were married, but happily, he is a great Dad to them, and they benefit so much from the extra time with him.

Did he have issues if you breast fed the first one? The gov't just came out with some new ads to promote breast feeding, so his argument won't fly. I can't see equal time at that age. Even with pumping - which may be an option - but for much later, I think.


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Thanks for all of your input.

When WH told me he wanted 50% custody of our newborn, I was just so shocked. Especially when he said he didn't want the baby breastfed. Our first child was breastfed exclusively for 6 months, and then I continued until he was 14 months old when he lost interest.

While WH thinks breastfeeding is a good thing, he also thinks formula-feeding is a perfectly fine alternative. He wasn't breastfed he says and he turned out fine (I would have to take umbrance at him turning out fine though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />).

I think his underlying concern, though, is that he felt left out when our first child was born. He felt that he couldn't bond with him. I get that.

I told him that how I pictured what would happen when the baby was born would be that he would probably come over to my house 3-4x/week to spend at least 2-3 hours with the baby. However, no overnights because I needed to nurse.

He countered by saying, no, I want the baby on the weekends. But then you get into issues of nipple confusion (bottle vs. breast), my milk production if the baby isn't there, etc.). I know this is a raging debate, and he is entitled to see his child, but I just think when a baby is so young, he/she should be with his/her mother for at least the first 6 months.


------------------------- me BS 37 WH 36 DS 5 Newborn 11 mos Married 11+ years WH EA/PA(??) with co-worker 5/05 -- present??? Found evidence of PA with OW on 6/23/06 however WH denies everything D-day: 1/11/06 (less than two weeks after 10th anniversary) Reconciled 2/12/06 but WH still works closely with OW WH left 6/5/06 (broke up via phone) Reconciled again 7/7/06 and working on our marriage. Separated once again 10/9/07 (OW still working with WH)
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That's good that he'll be getting in a lot of time with baby, and I think to consider overnights at 6 months is reasonable. You are not keeping him from baby, and if as baby gets older (3months?) and can take a bottle that you pumped, he can take baby for a bit, but not overnight.

Is there any precident in your state in this regard?


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Yeah, I think that's reasonable. I am going to talk to my lawyer tomorrow about filing for legal separation, so I'll ask him about that and let you know.

Thanks!


------------------------- me BS 37 WH 36 DS 5 Newborn 11 mos Married 11+ years WH EA/PA(??) with co-worker 5/05 -- present??? Found evidence of PA with OW on 6/23/06 however WH denies everything D-day: 1/11/06 (less than two weeks after 10th anniversary) Reconciled 2/12/06 but WH still works closely with OW WH left 6/5/06 (broke up via phone) Reconciled again 7/7/06 and working on our marriage. Separated once again 10/9/07 (OW still working with WH)
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Some states say a newborn is to young for a 50/50 custody. Another thing you should consider is what you want in the long term and what you think your H will actually do.

My H wanted 50/50 custody, but honestly I think it was because he wanted to pay less child support and had nothing to do with the children. I fought it and he finally gave in for a 80/20 split and he is not even doing the 20 time. So there is no way he would have ever done the 50. He would have just paid less money.

I fought it because I was told it is much harder to change the custody from a 50/50 to an 80/20 even if you can prove that they are not taking the children.

You might want to think long term and short term.

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Formula feeding IS a good alternative to breastfeeding but that is NOT the underlyig issue here.

When there is a child involved as young as this, your H will not be allowed to see him/her more than a few hours a week..and definitly not 50/50. AT most he will get one night a week and every other sat and sun for a few hours each day...I think 2/4 hours each day until 6 months then it goes up to maybe 6 hours a day until the child is 3.

what state do you live in?



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I'm wondering if OW wants to play mommy?

There are some books that mention the "ideal" parenting time. I can't recall if it's in Mom's House/Dad's House, or in the Sandcastles book (I can never remember the full title). Check out these books. I think whichever mentions it also mentions the 2-3 hour visits like you have.

Breastfeeding is best, and it's great bonding time with the baby.
What does he propose for the other child? 50/50 for each? He'd be way over his head.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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deannek, thanks for pointing out that it will be harder for me to get more custody if I start out at 50/50. I really don't want to get into a custody battle because that is not in the best interests of the child.

I really believe my WH wants to spend time with his kids, but I don't think it's realistic given his work schedule. My job is a lot more flexible. And after maternity leave, I will be quitting my job and going to school full-time which actually makes my time much more flexible.

I think part of his impetus in wanting 50/50 is because he doesn't want to pay me child support even though I am entitled to it.

I live in California, and I have already talked to an attorney, and I've been told I am certainly entitled to child support and spousal support since I have been in a long-term relationship (which is longer than 10 years).

I also think 2-3 hours at a time is very reasonable for the first 6 months. Honestly, I think him having the children would cramp his "single" lifestyle.

Or perhaps maybe the OW may want to play mommy. Oh, that sickens me just thinking about it. Or maybe having this baby will make the OW feel more insecure about her position in my WH's life -- especially if he is having to spend a lot more time with me.

I think WH is just being unrealistic. Thanks for your thoughts.


------------------------- me BS 37 WH 36 DS 5 Newborn 11 mos Married 11+ years WH EA/PA(??) with co-worker 5/05 -- present??? Found evidence of PA with OW on 6/23/06 however WH denies everything D-day: 1/11/06 (less than two weeks after 10th anniversary) Reconciled 2/12/06 but WH still works closely with OW WH left 6/5/06 (broke up via phone) Reconciled again 7/7/06 and working on our marriage. Separated once again 10/9/07 (OW still working with WH)
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I am in CA also. I do not want to deny my H any time with his children, it is just that he has not exercised anything and wanted 50/50 and I know with his schedule he would not stick to it.

Good thing you have talked to an attorney. I would just make sure that what you get in the beginning is the most you would want. I mean if he ends up really wanting to be involved you can always give him more time at a later date.

My H just wanted more time to reduce the child support and he has shown that to me over the past year.

We are still tying up the settlement agreement and will probably complain again about the money he is paying me - he really does not want to pay me anything at all.

Good luck.

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The agreement in the beginning is what usually stays in the long term. So as D said, get what you want now.
You can have an out in the agreement that it can be reevaluated every 2-3 years, in case he does exercise parental rights.
I had to go through a psychological evaluator for custody, as a result, X got less time than I offered. the PE saw his inflexibility. They know the standards in their area and what the courts will and will not allow. The work travel works to your advantage. Don't give in more than you are willing to live with.
You are still 6 months away from delivering. This must be hard to consider when you should really be enjoying this time of your life. Please take care of your health, and the baby's.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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I am trying to take care of myself, but I just don't feel like eating. I've lost weight since the beginning of my pregnancy.

I have another thread on GQII if you want to read my story:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3041303


------------------------- me BS 37 WH 36 DS 5 Newborn 11 mos Married 11+ years WH EA/PA(??) with co-worker 5/05 -- present??? Found evidence of PA with OW on 6/23/06 however WH denies everything D-day: 1/11/06 (less than two weeks after 10th anniversary) Reconciled 2/12/06 but WH still works closely with OW WH left 6/5/06 (broke up via phone) Reconciled again 7/7/06 and working on our marriage. Separated once again 10/9/07 (OW still working with WH)
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If the father is a competent and responsible parent and caregiver then I don't see an issue with 50/50.

As far as what to do with your breast milk while baby is away, pump it and store it. Send it with baby when baby is gone with dad. If you are set on breastfeeding then he will need whatever you can supply. He can use formula (so can you) as a back up.

Some dads are naturals at baby care, even new borns. I don't know if your WH is or not but he can't be much greener than a first time mother. You've already got a 3 year old, so dad must know a thing or two.

Some judges may lean towards the mother for the first few weeks IF you have a doctors recommendation. Six months might be a stretch.

Sounds like baby was conceived around reconcilation time. Sadly, it also sounds like he was with OW also. I hope you will consider getting checked for STDs. You should let your doctor and pediatrician know that your WH has had multiple sex partners.

Good luck to you.


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I believe its actually recommended that breastfeeding babies don't use an artifical nipple for a minimum of 6 weeks to prevent nipple confusion. Babies that are that young that have bottle and breast often deny the breast because its' too much work when it just flows out of the bottle nipple. Mom also needs time to create amilk supply. If you are serious about breastfeeding, I would get all of the documented support you can ahead of time so you have it all together. Contact your ped, local LLL leader.


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Overnights at six months will adversely affect your milk supply. No breast pump is as efficient as a baby is at getting milk, and the more that is removed, the more you will produce. Formula is NOT a acceptable alternative to breastmilk. From a health standpoint, it is important to breastfeed for at least a year, and babies will benefit both emotionally and physically from breastfeeding beyond that point.

I think it is unreasonable for him to expect overnights until the baby is much, much older - about three years old and able to comprehend visitation.

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I agree wholeheartedly with everyone regarding breastfeeding. I tried to breastfeed my first son as long as I could. I made it to 14 months and then he lost interest. My goal was two years.

I am going to fight to be able to nurse my baby for as long as I can. With my first child, he didn't have a bottle for at least 3 months. The downside of that was that I couldn't leave him. I'll be on maternity leave for two months, so I could definitely nurse him exclusively during that time, but after that, he'll have to learn to take the bottle.


------------------------- me BS 37 WH 36 DS 5 Newborn 11 mos Married 11+ years WH EA/PA(??) with co-worker 5/05 -- present??? Found evidence of PA with OW on 6/23/06 however WH denies everything D-day: 1/11/06 (less than two weeks after 10th anniversary) Reconciled 2/12/06 but WH still works closely with OW WH left 6/5/06 (broke up via phone) Reconciled again 7/7/06 and working on our marriage. Separated once again 10/9/07 (OW still working with WH)
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I agree with everyone else. I see your stbxh trying to get out of paying childsupport. Your attorney could ask for records of his work schedule and how often he is home and see when he is really going to have time for a newborn plus another little one. And you can also state that he is living with the OW, not married, living in a unstable relationship, and this is not healthy for the children.

It is good that you have an attorney. Keep posting here, for there are many that can give you good advice...and be supportive to you. Will look forward to your posts.
Blessings...LoveinHim

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