Hi, RR...
Welcome to MarriageBuilders...I think it's the best place to be for understanding relationships and growing ourselves.
You have been together three years...which means you're moving into phase II of what would be marriage, if you were. Phase I is the infatuation part...where we show our best selves to each other, are full of brain chemicals at the sight of each other, yet withhold a lot of our behaviors and truths from each other.
Phase II is the hardest one. Takes real commitment to get through it. If you know a lot of single friends who break up after two or three years, you'll better understand that marriage matters...makes a bond harder to break...which is needed to get through this very tough stage. Phase II is the mature love stage...it's wonderful. Worth getting through to, I promise.
You are crazy or wrong, nor is your BF. You are both showing more of your selves, trying to find your independence within the relationship you've both created, and ironically, it takes trust to get here...less fear.
Something to know which may help you appreciate where you are right now.
You are here because you want to learn how others handle your situation. That's commendable. That's also why I'm going to ask you to change, not him.
Sounds unfair at first (I remember). The great news about human relationships is that it only takes one to change to change the relationship. You're worthy and capable of it.
Sounds like your BF has a belief that you make him feel, think and believe stuff...that you have the power to make him feel bad, inadequate, unheard, defective and wrong. You don't have that power. No human being does. Not in God's design. Nor can he make you angry, rage, accuse, or anything, really. Sure can feel like it. Especially if you grew up, as I did, hearing I was this powerful and could disappoint, fail, anger, and sorrow my parents.
If you will ponder this truth, it will lead you to a practical way to begin living...listen and repeat. When you firmly know in your head that you are not telling him he's wrong (and by you judging something he's done or said as something you don't like, you are saying this, theoretically), then you can answer him, "I hear you believe I think you are never right, is that correct?"
No refutation or argument. Listen and repeat. His feelings are valid. They are his. His perception is his. He has his truth and he doesn't feel heard. You have your own. Neither one is THE truth...you're separate and equal individuals...both of what you are is valid. Acknowledge that.
He's not wrong to feel anything he's feeling. Neither are you. Owning what is yours is essential to adult relationships. You are both caught in the blame game...and it is really common. There's an important question for all relationships (again, it is for those who have committed to life); "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"
You can feel as if you're being attacked when you're not.
You can feel rejected when you're not being rejected.
You can believe you aren't believed, when you are.
Knowing the difference is important. I learned this through communication exercises with my H.
Have you read all the articles here on this website? Great rules of marriage...policy of joint agreement, radical honesty...helps you know the difference between what needs to be confronted and what needs to be shared...
90% of marital issues don't have to be solved...they have to be understood. Think about that if within the last 14 days you haven't argued for two...12 days...10% real conflict would be what, 1.2 days? The rest were not listening, acknowledging...and owning what wasn't yours; and him, what wasn't his at all.
Phase II is knowing and being known. Not fixing, solving, changing each other...or for each other. You'll notice when judgment increases, acceptance decreases...we take issues about ourselves which are not...takes a lot of self-honesty to know the difference.
When you point out what you don't like about his actions or words, are you asking him to stop doing/saying them? Or are you sharing you didn't like it, why, and what you felt?
LA
