We live in a small town, but have a Wal-Mart in the next town over. And town talk? I am not really connected to the people in the town, (a lot of them are his family.) I am the outsider from Southern California. We relocated here 3 years ago, another story...<P>But, like I said, there is this neighbor who won't look me in the eye. <P>My husband works in a metro area about one hour from here in a construction office. Their projects are in a 3 state area. He has to visit his projects as part of the job.<P>He left me in So. Ca. to live near his family. We were separated nearly 5 months, 3 years ago. Two years before that we came out here on a vacation to visit. 3 weeks later I went back to CA and he stayed here 5 months then, also. <P>His father cheats on his mother every other weekend. He is known as the town whore. She's put up with it for 45 years, and probably will continue to do so. Almost all his sisters have the same reputation. His brother got out of prison 2 years ago for drug trafficing. Nice family?<BR> <BR>My husband hates that about his father. Said he didn't know any better in his first marriage, and then became a Christian, and said he'd never do that again. He was a business owner, on the ball, took me and the kids to church, great step dad, at least in the beginning. I met him after his first wife left him for another man, and we were soon married after. Part of why I married him was his "stated" values. But they have appeared to have changed back since he's rekindled his ties to his family. <P>I wish I never left CA, I wish I had met his family before I married him. But we have this darling little boy, and father and son are so in love with each other.<P>Now if I left, back to CA, I would not be able to take my son with me. I feel I made some bad choices trusting my husband. In this town, he's the insider, I'm the outsider, and I'm the prude. <P>Thanks for listening.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited July 19, 1999).]

Hi,I had to reply. I have been there and done that.<P>I was dating then briefly married a cheater. He always told me I was crazy and that I was the problem. The "evidence" I found that he was having affairs was always something else. I had to dig deeper to really know the truth, before I could make the decision to leave.<P>Funny thing, I met the other women (plural) and all that I suspected was true. Then I married him.<P>Yes even knowing all that I did I went ahead and married him. I was going to be the golden girl to "fix" him. It didn't work. He was gone again with another woman in two weeks. This time I was pregnant. Bringing another into the hell I was living was unfair to do.<P>That was 8 years ago. I am happily remarried.<BR>He is on another wife and many more affairs. He never changed.Every 4 years or so he tries to contact me to see if I will go back to the same ol game. No. I am worth the peace that I now have.<P>You are also worth it. To wait and see if you can REALLY know if he is cheating is just prolonging the pain.Time for you to go.<BR>You can only change yourself.He may never do it.<P>Go on and get a good life, and never look back. You will feel normal and not crazy again reel soon.

Trustntruth, <P>have you even noticed how big this one file is? it's massive. why wait ? Go find the truth or are you affraid? your not blind your just wearing a blind fold. <P>One more thing , what is a marriage without trust and honesty?<P>Mishi

What is marriage without trust and honesty? An arrangement. Not a marriage!<P>Thanks for listening, anyways.<P><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited July 19, 1999).]

I brought this to the top. I re-visited my first post, from back in May..... <P>My measuring stick won't measure in negatives. Any one else have this problem?<P>One thing about this forum and all the support, is that I've made wonderful friends. Marriage hasn't changed much, but I sure have. <P>God Bless Us all!<BR>

You are brave and honest with yourself TNT. I don't have the guts to pull up old posts and see how little has changed in the last six months...<P>Sorry - big pity party for Starpony today. TNT how do you do it???

I guess I'm still sane through the grace of God......

TNT - Sorry to hear about your suspicions of your H. They certainly can drive you crazy, as many of us here know. And betraying spouses are somtimes only to happy to help convince us that we ARE crazy. (I get this from my W all the time, and she's so convincing, I think our couples counselor has bought into this idea some.) So welcome to the Crazy Betrayeds Club! The only answer, if your H really is stonewalling about an affair is either to hire a P.I. or do your own snooping. I'm only doing my own snooping because I can't afford a P.I. right now. Wish I could, so agree with everyone who's recommended it to you, if you can afford it. (See my response to carey below.) But even if you can't I think you should definitely look into your H's activities yourself. If possible, even try following him (this isn't as hard as it sounds), which is really the only way to know for certain. Everything else is just circumstantial. evidence.<P>carey - After my W and I were engaged, but quite a while before we actually got married, I already suspected her of having an affair, because we were living only about 10 min. apart and she hardly ever came by to visit me, despite hinting before I moved there that my new apt. was going to be our "love nest." I actually made an appointment with a P.I. just to see what would be involved in having her followed. He told me that, in cases like this, it typically takes about 40 hours of surveillance to get sufficient evidence as to whether a spouse is cheating or not. At his rate, $50/hr, this meant I could be out about $2000. In fact, at the time (not now) I had more than enough to do this with, but decided against it because I felt it would be a major violation of trust in our relationship. Call me Mr. Stupid (as well as Mr. Crazy). I could have saved myself a tremendous amount of grief and anguish (and total craziness) if I'd only done this. So now I always advise people on this forum to hire a P.I., if they have sufficient resources. Doing your own detective work can actually be interesting, but it's extremely time-consuming and not nearly as effective as a professional would be.<P>--Wex

Hi Wex....<P>This was my first post to the forum after lurking for a while.<P>I am sure my husband's affair (s?) ended, and a PI at this point wouldn't give me honesty that I crave from Husband.<P>I've since decided that I need to learn how to accept and not be judgemental of others, even if their value system doesn't match mine. I don't know how to do this, without compromising my own, but I'm ready to try.<P>We have been round and round that ole' mulberry bush to many times, and I'm afraid I wasn't fast enough to catch the weasle....<P>