Yep, I've been through 1-4 in the past...in my sitch they all get the same exact reaction...anger, distancing and pretty much starting from square 1.

The craziest thing is that today in the past 4 hours H has spent 2 with me and showed me a piece of info that I had asked for months ago and offered me to do something that I also had asked for months ago. Do you think that he knows that if I have the capability to monitor him he will always be getting confronted and we will never make any progress b/c I will monitor and call him on his noncompliance at least weekly as has been the past cycle or do you think he is just juggling the best of both worlds?

He referenced D today in passing twice and the second time stopped himself and said he didn't want to talk about it. I never commented, reacted or contributed either time.

I think I'm gonna wait for an opportune time and then probably do what you said, let him know I'm not that nieve and have known all along but knew it wouldn't change things to confront. I feel like telling him to save us some $ and drop the service to the old phone since it is only for my benefit.

I really don't see this working out...I agree he has a self-destruct mode...my neighbor mentioned the same exact thing but knows nothing about all of this mess, only commented re: observations with our friendship with them.

I hate H pretending...be a man, come clean and deal with the mess you have created, see the consequences, live them, feel them...watch the suffering you have inflicted on your children, family, finances. Get your head out of your a$$ and see that you can't live like this for an extended period of time. Something's got to give. I don't see why he is trying to go through the superficial motions of recovery...it will just make things worse in the long run. I'm getting close to needing complete detachment in order to preserve anything that may be left. I think that is his goal to keep pushing buttons and throwing curves to keep me confused,wondering, waiting and wanting.

I think in his mind right now he thinks things are the best that they have been btwn us for the past 9 months although the threat of D is very real...no rationing with the foggy

Too early in the day for wine so I better get to work to keep my mind occuppied. Sorry for the rant but just had to get it off my chest. Apparently I am becoming quite the actress...H didn't sense anything wrong and he usually is spot on when I am upset. Maybe I'll turn to acting as a second career! Pio, how have you hung in this long???? I'm about to go Rambo!

bigger,

Oh no, DS1's shakers are very anatomically correct and actually, he broke up with her. Of course, he broke up with her a year ago and it lasted two months.

Good point nams. She was making a joke that was not a joke. I attended a convention and the guest speaker was an American living in Japan. The audience including a worldwide body. The speaker said that in Japan, it is customary to begin a speech with an aplogy and in the US, it is customary to begin a speech with a joke. Not wanting to offend anyone he simply said: I apologize for not telling a joke. Kind of like that.

Think I will go back to numbers.

Oh no, my French bashing goes way back before the dark day that DS1 met French GF.

Hi 2much,

Here's what you do. Buy a cable that connects the phone to the a USB port on your computer. You can buy software that reads text messages, even those that have been deleted. If you are interested, let me know and I will look up the URL.

I should note that the software works for any phone that has a SIM card which most have these days.

A good friend of mine calls it "going Postal". Like when the disgruntled postman shows up at work with an AK-47. I like that expression - going postal.

There is no question I have stuck it out this long because of the DDs. That is not enough to keep me in a sham marriage but it has been enough to keep me going when I otherwise thought I couldn't.

WW told me on the phone that she missed me. I said nothing. It is strange because the first time I called her, the sound in her voice was all sunshine and lollypops. It just seems she is still clueless - or at least she was until last night. At least she knows how I feel.

I like the idea of telling H to consolidate phone service to save money. That's brilliantly subtle. It also shows serious apathy on your part. Pure genius.

2much....so that WS can say that he tried....just another way to justify his A....and...soon...because you won't be able to take it.... blame you for it not working out.... and for sure to NOT be responsible for the




If you do that....it's exactly what WS is waiting for....


...keep a tab on this....sounds your LBank is way down....

2much...just wondering..... are you prepared to go to PLAN B if you need to? say...once you have ended your 'Pio pill'.... Please consider this BEFORE going Rambo...because this is exactly what WS needs...to blame YOU for not recovering M!

2much,

This has been my thought process for a long time. The theory goes that a big attraction of the A is secrecy. It is part of what makes the A so fun and exciting. Okay so your H is busted and you have exposed. He is still in contact and he hides it so there is still that adrenaline rush. If you accept the logic that the A thrives on secrecy, then extend that to post Dday. So the question I asked myself was how could I respond to something like finding a hidden cell phone or money stash that would mitigate the excitement? If you take the pleasure out of it for WH, it diminishes the A for the wayward. Take the pleasure out of the A and the A dies. What reaction can you have to give your H the least pleasure? Going Rambo will be like throwing gasoline on the fire.

The law I laid down to gemela was that I could not stop her from continuing her A. I simply would not allow her to do it with my money. If she wanted to continue her A, she had to do it on her own dime. So when I discovered things like hidden phone cards, that was the extent of my complaint. I didn't say don't keep calling - I just said don't use my money to buy the cards. I don't know for sure but I always believed that really cut deep into gemela. Maybe not. I simply gave her A as little importance as I could.

2much, I'm sorry to hear about your discovery of the cell phone.

I understand completely wanting your H to be a man, to come clean & stop the superficial attempt at recovery. I wanted exactly this from my then h & said as much, but I softened the be a man, at times. After it was clear he was only half way going through the emotions of recovery & pretending there was no OW I always wondered why. Just fess up & we move on.

I can only assume he wanted out & didn't want to do the work on himself & on our marriage to make it work.

I think he stayed, as Luna said, to say he tried. This way he could move on with a clear conscious.

I wish I had some advice for you but I was not in the same situation your are. Looking back, had the OW been acknowledged I truely don't know how I would have handled things. I said I would dealt with it with it but I don't know if I could have. The respect I wanted to feel for then h dissappeared & so did the love.

I like Todd's idea of finding out what's on the phone & Pio's idea of putting the phone in sight. Followed with a calm explaination of how this makes you feel with an explanation for what you need to stay in the marriage. Then really think about plan B if he doesn't come back with real remorse & transparent behavior.

If I had to take a guess at his behavior being better towards you I'd say it's because he thinks he's getting away with something. Like Pio said the secrecy adds to the excitment.

Thanks for all the input! Luna and Nams, I do agree he is giving a 1/2 hearted effort mostly for the kids sake so he can say he tried but the monster wife ruins everything so how could it work?

I will never have access to the new phone...he used to sleep with the old one and take it to the BR with him. I have only seen the box and instructions for the new one, thus I know it exists.

Todd, I would like the URL so that after my 30d course of the "Pio pill" I can have the opportunity to get old evidence for the sake of possible custody issues if this ends in D. I haven't bothered with the email spyware b/c we both know that no matter what the extent of his relationships with multiple OWs they have been inappropriate for M regardless of if they were EA/PA. We pretty much decided on disolution when he was having a tirade about getting a D.

I think Pio is pretty on target in that H thinks he is getting over on me or could care less if I knew or not. I feel just like Nams said...lets just be frank and deal with reality.

He is paying for the phone on his dime so I guess I shouldn't care...just need to get his old phone off the other phone acct that I pay for.

I don't think there is any need for plan B...I think as soon as his finances are in order and he can comfortably move out he will. I refuse to kick him out again b/c that is just another complaint to use against me. I will force his hand to make the decision himself and then he can deal with the reality of being without his children and loose his only stability in life for the past 11 years...me.

I will be able to sleep at night. DD1 has appt to see counselor so at least she will be getting some support outside of me. H keeps saying that she is mean...I told him that she detached from him in order to protect herself from the pain and rejection he inflicts. The fact that she refuses to speak to his female friends really isn't related to my M but her jealousy that he prefers to spend his time with them and not her and that he can't even go to an event of hers without including one of them. It's just all wrong and he refuses to accept it. He listens to what I say and then changes the subject or leaves...go figure.

Sheesh, you leave here for 5 minutes and it takes an hour to catch up. I feel like Luna did, I'm going to mention things that happened about 5 pages ago.

First, BigK, oops, sorry of course it's Australian football. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Todd, I wondered if anyone would mention the pizza.

Pio, thank you for the benefit of the doubt. Yes, I meant I could still remember the smell of the woo woo spray. I also have no comment to make on your feet.

Pio, I've been in the unenviable position of having had a very public fight with you on MB. English is my first language (although some would disagree) and I felt I gave as good as I got. However, you are a master at the cutting remark and icy sarcasm and I wonder how G copes when you go into "fight" mode. If you do, indeed, want your marriage to work you may want to consider how you talk to her when you're making your point.

I don't think you're even listening to her any more. You need to pave the way for her to come back to a better marriage for both of you and that means cutting back on the DJs.

2much, I'm sorry I have nothing to add. You said you didn't like it when you were "outside" on the main board and people asked why you were bothering. I know why you're bothering but you DO have an uphill climb with your H.

2much,

Below is a link to Paraben. The software is $129.00. There is another software from India that sells for $79.00. I will post it as soon as I locate the URL. The Paraben software seems to have more capabilities but I am not sure what the practical aspects are at this point.

Paraben

Kiwi,
You have a great memory...thanks for respecting that. I should probably invest in some rock climbing equipment eh???

At least amongst all this I still have a sense of humor. I am also taking better care of myself than I have for years. I look better than I have in years and have more time with my children.

If I could just extricate this crazed lunatic that cohabitats in here and...and what? I keep trying to finish the sentence but nothing works. I plugged in "get my real H back"...don't know who he is anymore. Then plugged in "get my old H back" but I don't want that either, we weren't happy for years. Then typed in "get the H I married back"...that wouldn't work either.

I thought about how if I met my H for the first time but knew everything about him that I do now what would I do? I would have to run the other way and fast.

I was thinking about it today though...what would life be like if I had a H that was my best friend/lover/adventure mate? I don't usually daydream but for some reason I pondered it today.

I need to quit thinking for today...

2much, I think everyone should have a best friend/lover/adventure mate and I wouldn't settle for anything less. In fact that is what I have and I know I couldn't go day to day with anything less. Life is SO short.

When my H and I were walking on eggshells with each other after d-day it was the first time in 30 years we had ever been uncomfortable with each other. I HATED it.

You need to type in "get back a better H and a better marriage than I've ever had."

2much,

Repeat after me:

1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,55,89......

Numbers will not bust rust, crust, corrode, explode and crawl on their bellies like reptiles. And, they don't cheat. Very dependable.

Numbers have no soul. Words have soul.

Yes, but do they snuggle with you? Make snowmen, drink cognac, scream with fright and delight? Can they make you contort with laughter? Will numbers dazzle you, make you glow, have you yearning with desire?

Na, that's why I walk the crazed edge...the excitement, adventure, take your breath away moments. I couldn't settle for the sure thing, the secure, the predictable, the constant. Had many opportunities for just that and passed em all up for the spice. Guess I made my own bed in some respects but I'd rather have those moments than just security. That's why I'd pure stink at investments b/c I like the risk, the potential to do big things. Yep, I have been in the school of hard knocks all my life but am not quite ready to graduate I guess.

Just got a bottle of Don Julio 1942 as a gift... <drool> Very carmelly - smells of vanilla, like flan. No bite at all, goes down so smooth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. I didnt know tequila could taste THAT good.

Geeze, I feel bad now. I show up and the Regretted stuff re-emerges <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And, for the record, I had outted Tear/Regretted previously. She/it goofed on a post, changed it quickly, but I caught it and posted it. Then she/it got mad that I didnt delete her confessions and was very sure her/it's H would catch on, and felt very violated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I think the gig was about up at that point, anyway. I think my advise was to seek serious psychotherapy immediately. She/it agreed. Whatever.

Cheers! - Dru

Numbers do too have souls. You take that back!

You never have to ask how to spell a number do you? Or how to write a number, or notation, or exponents, or formulas or any of the like. Numbers are always the same. Very dependable. Writing words is like playing tennis with the net down. But then, you are an English professor.

Naturally. I have even had them laugh with me. Or, was that at me? They will dazzle, make you glow and yes, have you yearning with desire. I'll give you a prime example, pun intended.
When Gauss was in the fifth grade, the teacher instructed the class to take out a sheet of paper, write down the integers from 1 to 100 and then sum them. As his fellow students labored just to write down the numbers, little Gauss just sat in his desk thinking. He had the answer within moments without writing down a thing. Here's how he did it. He noticed that if he summed the high and low numbers, initially 1 and 100, the result was 101. Then each successive pair, eg, 2 and 99, 3 and 98, 4 and 97, etc was also equal to 101. He further reasoned that there existed 50 such pairs, hence the sum of all the integers was 5,050 (50*101). Now tell me that doesn't have you yearning with desire?!



You want crazed edge? Take a ruler and a compass and construct a 17-gon. Now, there's a crazed edge!

Isn't this fun?