Pio,

I received an email about two hours ago. Have you sent one since then?

I'm guessing, probably correctly, that it was me who depressed Pio. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What's that saying? Use anger as your servant, not as your master. Of course, that applies in business at the negotiating table.

You are right, no doubt. Anyone got any anger management ideas? I took an axe and went to the local piano store and chopped a Steinway grand into a million pieces. It felt really good until the police stopped me and took me for a ride. Anyone know how to remove ink from fingers? I tried a Brillo pad. It really hurt. I no longer have fingerprints but still have ink. How is that possible?

I'm guessing it was me. I seem to do it quite often if for no other reason than we each see similarities in the other's sitch.

Changing the subject completely, DD sounded a bit homesick the other night when she called.

I'll be pleased to have her home. Only a couple of months now. She also told me she'd lost the diamond studs we gave her for her 21st when they were on the boat. Just before she went away she lost the diamond pendant her b/f gave her for christmas.

She said "I'm a diamond repellent." I certainly hope not.

I agree Pio...it's better for me to take the high road here.
Thanks for the words of support.

LOL! I didn't mean romantically dating myself...I meant that i was showing my age by remembering the Newly Wed Game <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Sure 2much, we believe you.

Man, talk about self-esteem issues!

Well, I was a bit upset when you called me a worthless excuse for a human being but, hey, who wouldn't have been? But no it was not you either.

Well we all know what cinders meant. Best not try to deny this one. It can only get worse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry if I caused any distress by using OS. When I use it I mean oldest son. I'll spell it out from now on.

Nobody is feeling funny tonight? Must be the day of reflection about WS, always a damper.

Here the weather is rainy so after breakfast we went shopping then plopped ourselves down to watch more X-Files. A very quite day.

While at breakfast we got on the subject of D. My son says such & such happened at a time when D was never discussed, when it was considered shameful to D. I said I think people are too quick to D, they run at the sign of trouble & difficult work ahead. He gave me that quick stare that made me wonder if he thought I was talking out his father & me. I guess I was.

More X-Files.

HAHAHAHAHA

I hate to break it to you all but as crazy as it is SF is the only commmon bond left in my M besides my kids sooooooooooooooo...

Ironically, looking at my ENs I feel like Pio in that I can't really isolate particulars except for conversation...

I have existed without the others and can't really decide which ones outrank the others. Pretty sick huh? Well, once I run out of work I will re-examine to see what my ENs really are

Update: did exactly what I said I would do re: new phone...H immediate response???? That's right, it's not his phone box...this explanation was followed by, "I think we ought to have a game plan; let's just plan on D in the spring and focus on just trying to be friends". I responded by verifying this is what he wanted, he said yes, I said it wasn't what I wanted but if that is how he wanted to proceed I would oblige. Several hours later I got a call and an apology that H was only trying to use this strategy b/c that way if we don't D things will only get better????

I am going to follow the advice for me to be calm and consistant in my behavior since someone has to be. I did go out with H last night for an hour and it was a disaster so when I got home, at H's suggestion, I went back out alone and didn't return until 0200. This created a bit of inquisitiveness on H's part although the only Q he asked was re: my return time.

Things get more interesting by the minute...he spent 3 hours of family time with us all doing things together and surprisingly it was about the best time we've had for months...now he is out for his night out. What the heck is that all about?

Okay on the one hand it makes sense because WH has no deliverables so doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. In reality, R is solely the responsibility of the BS at first. Waywards don't want their marriage. That is why they are wayward. It is only after the WS begins to step through the threshold of FWS that they begin to take interest in R.

So if you want R still, the job is pretty much all yours. And that is the worst part of the Harley plan. You are hurt and abused AND have to save your M all by yourself.

I mentioned before that having a good family time was probably painful for gemela at first and probably hit her with a few pangs of guilt although she may not have recognized it as guilt.

It seems like you are making some progress even in a few short weeks. I also know that it is tough duty. It is a thankless job. I mentioned a long time ago that one of my disappointments with the Harley plan is this huge grey area that nobody talks much about. He is great on starting Plan A. He is great on R. But he never spends much time on this limbo in between the two. I feel like I am at a very dangerous time with respect to the possibility of R. I think if gemela looks at me cross-eyed, it might be enough to push me toward D. We may already be headed there anyway. Since I am effectively in NC, I can't know what she is thinking.

You have the advantage that H is still in your home. You will get to the point that your WH will decide to reconnect to the M or you will want D. Just a matter of who gets there first. I had to use multiple strategies to keep me going.

Now I feel totally deficient in EN's. I would like to take suggestions for EN's that I could adopt as my own. Any ideas are welcome. So far all I have is eating dill pickles. I no longer take pleasure in Oreos since I was deceived by clever marketing on their part. In fact, since WW left, I haven't craved chocolate of any kind. So please everyone give me your EN ideas.

My assessment is that you have EN for: sarcasm, analytical challenge, fixing things, being needed for more than financial reasons, attention even if it is negative, pedicures, organization, control, creativity...shall i go on???

I believe you may have something in your synopsis of my home sitch...it is quite chaotic...I appreciate the time and analysis you and the rest of the TKOers give to help me make it thru

Pio, I think you will soon get to decide how you will proceed. Take your own advice and be calm, make no assumptions and give G the respectful opportunity to state her case and give you her plan/strategy for recovery. Leave the stormtrooper somewhere else and be loving and warm if you can muster it up from within. Make the choice to be happy and try not to be snide or sarcastic...if you are like me these are my initial defense mechs that pop up immediately as soon as I feel threatened, insecure or unsure. Welcome her back as if the slate were clean and clear your mind/heart of as much bitterness and resentment as you can. If you need to write down all the things that make you bitter or resentful and go through some process of getting rid of them...burn the list, bury it in the sand, shred it, pour a chemical concoction on it...whatever symbolic act you can think of that will represent your release...you could put it in a balloon and let it go...possibilities are endless

Think about it as your last chance to make a difference, your final opportunity to make G feel safe in attempting recovery. Reassure her that you are as afraid and unsure as she may be but that you have to start somewhere. Make a plan together...she may feel intimidated if you present a plan...it may come off as demands

Be creative/romantic in how you will spend time discussing it so it isn't all business-like. Be sure you won't be interrupted...go somewhere where you are captive for X amount of time that way you will be pretty much forced to spend the time together and there will be no immediate escape if emotions run high

Sorry, getting on a roll here

For EN's, I recommend any or all of the following:

1. Raisinets
2. Junior Mints
3. Maker's Mark - this one will really make you emotional.

Todd,
You should really consider stand-up as a second, career...

I am still laughing...I second the emotional effects of Maker's Mark and close relatives

I got on a roll of chocolate martinis last night and must admit not only got the emotions going but serious lack of inhibition as well... sewing my mouth shut probably wouldn't help under the influence as I would then speak out my a$$ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I must also confess that everything I said was true and it sure felt good...best part was I professed all this not to H...so no LB/DJ happening and I got it all off my chest...of course I did this all intentionally for therapeutic reasons <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

2much,

We must have the same close relatives. Mine are also a PIA.

BTW, Ben Franklin said that fish and visitors both smell in three days. If you think about it, it is true. We went through a terrible period some years ago where we had several episodes of long-term visitors. I asked WW if we couldn't have ol' Ben's saying embroidered on cloth, framed and hung in the guest room. She said no and that I was rude. So, no such luck.

We have friends who also recieved many long-term visitors and they told us the gauge of how bad the visitor situation is can be measured by how much bathroom tissue they use. It is a valid observation. Our visitors once went through 14 rolls in a week. And of course, we always bought the very best tissue money can buy. The next time visitors arrived, I was ready. I had gone to the store and bought the cheapest store brand tissue available. It was like sandpaper. They left in two days and used less than twenty percent of one roll. Small victories can be hard to come by, but boy are they sweet.

EPILOGUE

The next visitor we had was FIL. I forgot that the cheap tissue was still in the guest bathroom and on his first trip to the bathroom, primal screams filled the entire neighborhood. Again, small victories.

Rereading your post for hiliarity...do you frequent movie theaters or just enjoy their goodies?

Pedicures are definitely not an EN.

I will say that yesterday afternoon when all heck was breaking loose in the house, I locked myself in my room, filled the bath, lit some candles, dimmed the lights, put on some Mantovani and began to soak my feet. Then I quickly got out because I had this overwhelming fear that I might be gay! So now I am back to soaking without candles and music and I feel much more secure.

Seriously I did try to soak my feet but we could not go more than 2 minutes yesterday without "DADDY!". I told the DDs yesterday that we are going to make a new rule in the house. No more talking to floors and ceilings. If either one wants me for anything, they need to first come to where I am and then tell me about it. No more of this screaming "DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!" from one end of the house to the other. Somehow I don't think it will make any difference this new rule.

I put in the DVD of The Lost World yesterday and I am still on the subway with Jeff Goldblum. I think it may be a good things that I don't have EN's. I don't have time for them.



While I will take ownership of some of those, I consider them character traits - not EN's. EN's are supposed to make you happy.

I got in a big fight with DD1 yesterday night. I asked her to take a shower. Apparently that was a big mistake. I learned that she does not like taking showers. She hates them, in fact. She said she would take one this AM. I said she could not go to bed as dirty as she was. She said she was going to and that she hated me. I told her she could hate me if she chose but that she was still going to take a shower. She stormed off downstairs to look for a suitcase to pack so she could leave. Then she gave that up and sat down at the kitchen table to paint Halloween decorations. I gave her a few minutes and then went down and told her that I was not happy that she was talking to me the way she was and that she needed to be respectful of both WW and me. If she was unhappy or upset, there were correct ways to get that message across. She replied that she wouldn't do anything I said and she was no longer part of the family. I replied that was fine but it worked both ways. I would no longer do anything she asked. If she was hungry or thirsty, she needed to take care of herself and she should not ask me. Then I went upstairs. About 5 minutes later she came up to my room where I had JUST hit the DVD play button for the 17th time of the day. I didn't look at her. She walked over to where I was and didn't say a word. I ignored her. She was trying to get my attention so I finally looked at her. She had painted in black paint on her white shirt "I Love U Daddy. Sorry".

I never go to movie theaters. Every time I go, the same high school couple sits behind me and talks all the way through the movie. I finally got tired of it and had a home theater installed.