BigK,

When was your DD?

Ok, just pretend I'm not here.

WH came in (like he still lives here, which irks me a little, but that's OK) and played with the dog and when he came back in, I, very casually, told him that I went ahead and made dinner and he was more than welcome to eat. Sorry to go against the advice, but I felt like I needed to feed him. So we ate, he used the Internet for a while and he loaded his truck with some stuff. I will admit that I did try to initiate SF, but he was not interested AT ALL. So, I let him be. I walked him out to his truck after a while and we started talking.
I told him that I moved my appointment with my lawyer up and I see her tomorrow. I told him I still didn't know what I was going to do, but we still love each other and it doesn't make sense to me to get divorced when both people still love each other. He asked me how counseling was going. I told him that I hadn't been since the day after he moved out, but it went well. I told him that I would still like for him to go and maybe clear his head and be totally honest with someone. He told me that he was being honest with me, but that I didn't believe him. I told him that I believed he was unhappy, but I also believe that we used to be happy and we can get that back. I told him that I was fine here at the house by myself. Better than I thought I'd be and I'm kind of glad this happened, because it's given me a chance to find myself and knowing me the way I'm starting to, will make me a better wife. I told him that maybe because we were so young, I really didn't know how to handle being in love yet. I said it took me longer to fall in love with him than it took for him to fall in love with me, but when I did, I just lost myself in him and that's why I was so clingy. I told him that I know we have a lot of issues, the biggest being the A, but that we can work through it.

He told me to call him when I wanted him to go see the counsler. HUGE step for my H. He also thanked me for him not being able to sleep tonight, because he will be thinking.

I know I may not have made the best move in talking about us, but I think I may have parted the fog and gotten through a tiny bit. I'm happy with that for now.

Exactly how graphic do I need to be Pio

LOL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Who said that? My sister about the same as you but she doesn't smoke. Her significant other, OTOH, does smoke like a chimney.

I think we all know what "hand job" means.

Okay stph20. All in all pretty good. You are starting to let go. Good. The worst thing to a wayward is a clingy BS. It is very unattractive.

My main criticism is not that you treid to initiate SF but that you told him you didn't know what you were going to do.

I don't care if you don't know - but you should not tell him that. What you tell him is that you are not going to filed for D. Tell him that you believe in your M and not the D. What you have to be for WH is steadfast and consistent.

Last Sunday in August 2005.

Surprised?

I'm glad you approve Pio. That means a lot to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was very disappointed in myself though. I was helping him pack some stuff and got sick to my stomach. I had to go into the spare bedroom, close the door and cry. He came in a few minutes later to see if I was OK. I didn't let him know I was crying. He just held me for a few minutes, which was nice. It showed he still cares. Once we got back in the living room, into the light though, he looked at me and my makeup had smeared and he asked why I had been crying. I told him I didn't know and I was mad at myself for it because I hadn't cried in 3 weeks.

This has been a tough day emotionally and I'm not sure why.

Oh, yeah, the anger maybe??

LOL I know what it means too but that is so NOT what I meant. LOL

I did tell him I didn't want a divorce. He's known that since the start of all this. He also knows, whether I told him or not, that I'm not filing for divorce tomorrow.

And Stef, cooking him dinner is a good Plan A move.

Thank you, I was advised NOT to feed him by certain members on this post. I, too, thought it was a good move.

stph20,

I want to second what someone said yesterday. There is no one path to victory here. MB is a guideline. You can make plenty of mistakes and still recover from them. When I first started, I felt like I was walking in a mine field. One wrong step and... It doesn't work that way. Your WH is not nearly as "gone" as you BOTH believe. Stay with the program and be patient. Maybe you won't recover your M but this is really your best chance at it.

What I was saying about your H looking down on you. We humans seem to have that inherent need. We need to have someone to look down on to make us feel better about ourselves. For example, we look down on dogs thinking they are inferior to us. The dogs don't care - they discussed it amongst themselves and agreed that, sooner or later, they will have their day.

It is not uncommon in a M for one partner to look at the other one as being inferior because it helps them with their own self-esteem issues. It is easier to do in a M because the offending spouse thinks they have a captive audience, so to speak. Try doint that outside the home and someone is likely to open up a serious can of whupass on you. I am no expert. I just think that his always verbally abusing you over the finances might be indicative of a more fundamental problem in how he viewed your relationship. If you do R your M, it is one you will definitely have to address eventually.

Our first Thanksgiving in Dubai, gemela decided she would roast a turkey for me in honor of her neighbors to the north. Long story very short was that, at some point, she went to turn the oven up and turned it off instead. So we had waited 4 hours with a cold bird in a cold oven and we were very hungry.

I won't go into why but previously I would have yelled and screamed, told her what a bonehead mistake that was, why didn't she check the oven, etc. She told me later she thought I was going to. I stood there minute and just started laughing. Not in a cruel way like I was making fun of her. Just that it was funny. She started laughing too. We eventually did have the Turkey late that night but we had a great afternoon waiting for it.

I had to make a fundamental change in me. It took a long time and I won't go into all the details but I know how I would carry my own personal issues over onto gemela and that was totally unfair. Your WH does not have a problem with the way you handle the finances. It is more basic than that.

Just to add...

Whether you made him dinner or not is not going to have any bearing on the outcome. We all see things from a different perspective. I can see the benefit of dinner (Plan A) and no dinner (180 Plan). Each has its place and its time. Don't sweat the small details. Listen to all the advice, study SAA and do what is right for you. I think all I said was don't make him a potato.

Stph you are getting great advice. Try to read more about the MB guidelines to reinforce the concepts and the practice of them in your interactions with your WS. It's okay to recognize your part on the downfall of the marriage but once you do it move your topic to the two of you and the marriage. He really needs to see changes in you and at the same time see that you are moving on, meaning geting a job or friends or activities. You may have to fake as it was said, that you are moving along but it's really important that he sees you under a new light.

Pio, it's so great that you are coaching the girls. I love soccer and although I don't enjoy seen female soccer as mucha as men soccer, I like to play it a little bit too.

Todd, I've read around here not to lecture the WW, you are in a hard spot and I don't mind the police handcuffs. Maybe you could consider giving your WW the CD's of some Harley books. I have the impression that if Harley had been presented to your wife by other people than you or Ophra, lol, she would embrace the ideas easily.

I think it's great that you are going to have a music group, there are so few of them. Besides Sanz you may also want to make your way trough, silvio Rodriguez, Pablo Milanes, Eduardo Aute, some Joaquin Sabina, Ricardo Arjona, Armando Manzanero.

Hi Kiwi girl, BK, Nams, Lunamare, Believer.

Yes I am. You act like someone who has been R for years. My hat is off to you.

How long did your W's affair last?

Pio, do you know that probably every single WS on this board has felt inferior to their spouses. Did you not hear me say I thought Rob was perfect and that the OM was flawed like me.

Your anecdote was particularly telling. Gemela was waiting for you to say how stupid she was. It was what she had grown to expect.

You have actually hit the nail right on the head but I think you were talking about a WS making a BS feel inferior which is, in my own personal experience and the experience I would imagine of most WSs on this board, the wrong way round.

Under normal circumstances, I would agree. But after he screamed at you and demeaned you today, I thought that cooking him dinner was the last thing you should do. I still believe that. Moreover, he told you you wasn't going to eat. As it turned out, my advice was vindiczted since he didn't eat.