Is this a rhetorical question? No, you don't argue back. Remember "I will bend like the willow".

Plan A is not hard at all. The problem is that you still don't completely grasp what Plan A is. No problem - it took me about 7 months to figure that one out. The only narrow path I know of is the one that leads to salvation. The road to marital recovery is an 8 lane highway. Plenty of room for error. (Oh, the other narrow path I am familiar with is the one going from our house to the bathroom back in Arkansas). In fact, we were pretty well-off by local standards. Our house had one and a half paths.

Your WH calling you stupid is verbal abuse. You should not accept any form of abuse. Hang up on his sorry a$$ when he abuses you. You cannot subject yourself to his childish behavior. I am no MB scholar, I can assure you. But I do believe that people should treat each other with respect.

Does he like potatoes?



You change YOU.

Actually I was pretty lucky - she had 2 extended makeout sessions with him the week (one on the morning) of D-Day so it was only a matter of days before they crossed that line.

Stph, the point is not to argue at all. Negotiate instead.
Four guidelines for negotiaton. Link.

Here I'm telling you the concepts as I've learned them here in MB from a poster called LovingAnyway. You have to own your own emotions and reactions and let him own his own. You don't make him do anything and he doesn't make you do anything.

You have to change your way to discuss topics from arguing to negotiation. You have to stop giving you permision to let your anger go. Stop it. Zero, nada. He doesn't make you angry, you let your anger control you.

You don't have to stop discussing problems but you have to stop when he or you start to loose control. It can e doing very politely and amiable and retake the topic when the two of you can talk calm.

So let me run by you what I think Plan A is and tell me if I'm getting it.

Basically, I reevaluate myself and my marriage, realize the things I did to harm either/or and fix it.

So, if I was too "clingy"--get friends and go out without him. Done.

If I argued with him all the time--don't argue back, talk to him with respect. Done.

Don't focus on "stph20 the wife", focus on "stph20 the person". Done.

Get new hobbies, figure out what I like to do and do them. Getting there.

Show him that I am that person he fell in love with 7 years ago. Getting there.

Am I getting warm to Plan A?

Stef - did you even click on the Plan A link in my signature below? Read Pep's guidelines to Plan A

I meant to say I don't mean the handcuffs not 'I don't mind'. Lapsus linguae, er.

I don't know why in Spanish esposas-spouse is the same than handcuffs, must probably it was asimilated as a metaphorical image, lol.

stph,

You are still missing the point. Plan A is not about trying to become what you think he wants. Plan A is about you and only you. The word "him" should never appear. You recognize the things you have done wrong. You recognize the things you don't like about yourself. You work on improving you and being the best "you" that you can be. Now I will tell you that it is possible that this "you" MAY be someone that BH doesn't like. Big deal. You will LOVE yourself. OTOH, there is a very good possibility that WH will learn to love that "you" too.

Forget about "him". He has nothing to do with Plan A.

riiiighhhttt...

Then that's what I'm not getting: I thought Plan A was getting back to me, so he could see changes, making him want to stay married. If he doesn't see the changes, what's making him stay? So, essentially it is about him, or at least about the marriage. There would be no need for Plan A if he wanted to stay married, right?

How is what I said that much different than Pep's link? I didn't quote it word for word, but I think I got the overall jist of it. It's basically the same thing. How is it different?

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

And Harleys FAQ

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I read the link.

I did everything in the stick part of it, and the only carrot thing I haven't done *yet* is his EN's (besides SF) because I don't officially know what they are yet (besides SF). But didn't I say those carrot things in some form?

What's a carrot and a stick? And how do they pertain to this?

So Stef - What are your WS's EN's? Asked you that before. How can you make home a warm and inviting place (without dropping your panties for him)? WHat has worked in your marriage? What areas are you improving yourself in?

Etc

"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands."

I did that just today when he was yelling at me. It would have been so easy to yell back and blame him just as much as I was being blamed, but I stayed calm and explained to him the situation, took responsibility for my part, and told him I understood why he was upset, but that I was doing the best I can.

Well we are all pretty good at the stick. LOL.

The carrot if you like is he positive things you can do to attract him back into the marriage. You do have to identify his EN's and meet them as best you can. You need to give him hope of a better future if he reconciles.

You also should seriously consider improving yourself for YOU as Pio says and divorcing him and moving on. You have no children and he clearly attempts to solve marital problems by screwing OW. You deserve better Stef.

"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands."

I did that just today when he was yelling at me. It would have been so easy to yell back and blame him just as much as I was being blamed, but I stayed calm and explained to him the situation, took responsibility for my part, and told him I understood why he was upset, but that I was doing the best I can.

is there an echo in here
is there an echo in here