BigK, was your wife's A a PA? I understood it wasn't.

OK, ya got me and ya lost me at the same time.

I didn't believe that he felt inferior to me, but it makes sense. But, at the same time, I think I feel inferior to him too. Can that happen in a M? If so, how do both people get past it and move on together?

I just feel like, as good as the advice is that I get here, whatever I do is going to backfire on me and get me divorced. That's why I'm so afraid to do things, yet I want to do everything that I can to make him understand and make him want to come home.

That usually means for me that I want to go up to him, grab him by the shoulders and shake him until the fog clears and he realizes its me he wants. Too bad it doesn't work that way.

And you have to understand, we verbally abused each other. It was not all him and it was not all me. That's a major issue we need to work out in order to move forward. I'm probably jumping the gun again. He'll probably be all fogged up in the morning again and everything I said tonight will be gone.
Have I mentioned I'm a very impatient person?? Just throwing that out there... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

THe EA built up over a 12 month period before they declared their "love" for each other and ramped it up to the next level. They were "going out" for around 3 months before I discovered the affair.

I am not referring to BS or WS. I am referring to what I believe is a critical problem in many marriages. You are right. Gemela had come to expect that from me. I could explain why I chose to change my behavior. I recognized that the problem was me - not gemela. Now the only time I ever get mad at anyone is when they deliberatly and intentionally try to hurt me or my family. Accidents happen. Gemela did not intentionally NOT cook the turkey. Why get mad? She was just as hungry as I was.

Well they never had intercourse Jen but a PA it was. Passionate kissing etc. Feels just as bad to me - intimacy being given freely to another.

Is it a coincidence that, in Spanish, the words for "handcuffs" and "wives" is the same word (i.e. esposas)?

Don't get defensive. For me the PA is not the worst violation either. I know what you mean.

I totally agree Pio - this is a very common issue.

Once again, I was kidding...I understand your advice and why I shouldn't have cooked for him, but I felt it was the right thing to do for me. And he did eat with me.
And once again, I'm extremely hurt by all of this...NOT MAD. If I were angry, it would be a totally different story. I wouldn't care at all and honestly, that's what the "old" (calm down, I'm not talking about my age!) Stph20 would have done. Before, I would have sulked on the couch, let him do his thing and let him leave. I'm being the bigger person and probably making him feel foolish by not fighting back anymore.

I'm awfully long-winded tonight!

Absolutely it can happen. It happens because you don't communicate, you LB and DJ and you don't protect each other's feelings.

You said "I think I feel". Feelings are feelings whether they are valid or not. I always felt inferior to gemela. Always.

Now we done given Stef an age complex. Darn it

Has anyone seen Jen tonight?

This is EXACTLY what I am talking about. This is hard to get past but you will. Once you do, you will feel like Superman. Don't feel this way. I don't know what is in your future but I do know that whether or not you decide to make him a potato will not affect the outcome. Look at the bigger picture. Don't examine Plan A with a microscope. There is no need.

See what you people have done to me?!? And in less than a week!! That's got to be a record for complexes!

Honestly, I kinda of liked the police handcuffs. Never knew that about myself before.


I guess I didn't make myself clear. My WW thinks that all therapists are crazy and all they want is your money. How do you deal with that?



I guess I should say that the type of music we will play is mainstream American rock. Now, my middle son plays excellent guitar and plays a Bosa Nova style. He loves Brazilian jazz.

Stph, Todd is pointing out a very important aspect about changing the dynamics in a relationship, specially where abuse, verbal or physical, takes place.

You can decide not to react to your husband words, not to let his words put you down, internally but you have to show him that behaving abusively has consecuences. It's not a matter of punishment. If he doesn't see you respect yourself and your boundaries he'll stay longer in his fogged world because he'll think you'll take whatever he throws your way.

This Plan A is a hard process but it's not to make him do anything in a way. You have to honestly work on yourself, honestly adress the problems on your side and honestly get ready to the possible outcome of a divorce. At the same time, hoping that he would like to go back to the marriage.

Pio asked you what were you afraid of a while back. Think that the worst has already happened, almost. Don't walk with fear around him.

No, not a coincidence.

Ya lost me again Pio. Should I keep making him potatoes? If not, what do I do to affect the outcome? I'm confused.

Last thing I remember, she was covered with mud and had the PR flag stapled to her ***.

OK, Plan A is much harder than I thought. But here's an example of backfiring. He yells at me, I tell him my boundaries (however I do that, I don't know), he gets defensive, yells some more, I get defensive and yell back. This is the way our relationship has gone on for 2 years. Obviously it's something I want to work on, so we don't do it anymore, but it's been there and I can't take it back. So, we start arguing about whatever, and he just proved his point of why he wants a divorce.

So, I can choose to not argue back with him when he's mad, which is what I did today, OR, I can argue with him, like I used to, and he sees no changes in me, and no reason to want to come home.

Who can argue my point?