Where is Jen. Did you chase her away Pio?

I'm improving myself in all areas. I'm becoming more independent, which was a pretty big complaint of his. I'm finding things that I like to do and doing them. I'm focusing on my job and not so worried about getting home to him every night (only because I know he's not going to be there!).

I'm making home a warm and inviting place, by inviting him over, making sure the house is clean when he comes, and not nagging and b****ing as soon as he hits the door. I talk to him about his day/week, whatever. We have good conversations now and I'm more understanding about the things he says.

This is all a little harder to do though, since he moved out.

I'm still new at all this, I just don't want to mess anything up, so I'm walking on eggshells.

I don't want to divorce him. I still love him and I have hope for him and our marriage. I do believe, that with time, work and commitment, we can make this work. I just want him to want it. That's my ultimate goal.

I know I did nothing to deserve this, but isn't the purpose of this site to save marriages? I'm just not ready to give up quite yet.

Sorry, my computer decided to go stupid on me. But I made a valid point in that post!!

It's been fun, but I'm going to bed.

Goodnight all and I will talk to you tomorrow.

Hey Stef - I sure am not telling you to give up. And you did make a valid point.

Sheesh - this chick is high maintenance. (And that WAS a JOKE BTW)

If I did, I am sorry because it wasn't my intention. I'll go back and look at what I wrote. The only obvious thing that comes to mind is the mud wrestling. Surely she didn't think I was serious? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

But you know me. It wouldn't be the first time I have upset KiwiJ.

The last thing I remember was agreeing with her completely on what she had posted.

Stph, you can't talk with someone that's yelling. Without lecturing him just tell him you have to go or other excuse.


It's okay that you admit your mistakes and don't ustify yourself but at some point to have to stop doing it or tell him calmly that you mistakes don't justify the affair.

I don't mind. I can be frustrating, I know. Remember, I was basically kicked out of my own thread by MelodyLane because I frustrated her!!

It kinda sounded like you told me to divorce him and move on.

It's late and I'm still confused. Really going to bed now.

stef,

As for becoming independent, you need to learn that you get validation from within, not from WH or anyone else. If you seek validation from your WH, by definition, you are in a co-dependent relationship. Women make this mistake more often than men, that is "losing themselves in their husband". You have to recognize and keep your own identity.

Marriage does not mean a total meshing of hearts, souls and minds. Each spouse keeps their own identity. I am not explaining this very well. Does this make any sense to you?

deleted.

stph20,

What you are doing is all good. What you don't quite fully understand is WHY you are doing it. That's all we are trying to explain. We are not asking you to change what you are doing. We are just trying to help you understand what Plan A is all about. Saving the M is often an important side effect of Plan A but making an even better M is the goal. We don't want you to trick your H back into your home and then the two of you decide how to get along. We want you to be that wife that your WH cannot live without and will love forever. That is the purpose of Plan A. But even if your H is not there to see it, Plan A becomes no less important. Yes it is easier to try to save your M if WH is in the house. Since he is not, it is super critical that he get the maximum benefit of what little exposure he does have with you.

Don't get mad. I had this same mental block that you are facing. It is hard to grasp at first but, once you do, Plan A will become extremely simple. In the meantime, keep doing what you are doing. It is all great stuff.

I didn't really see that. There does come a point with some BS's that they can't be given any more info. Often it takes being explained to in different ways to understand it. There is no way you can frustrate us. There are too many of us. We will wear you down eventually. Meantime, keep going and keep posting.

Sorry but I don't buy this. Men are equally as capable and, in fact, may be even more prone.

Take a man and a woman. Get them divorced. The woman will survive and thrive. The man will wear the same socks for months and live on PBJ sandwiches and beer.

Pio has a point Todd.

BTW Todd - I get the sense you are disappointed my wife didn't screw OM?

In no way am I saying that womens are lacking in this regard. I think it is due to the differences in the way the genders are raised. There is clearly less differences today because, rightfully, womens are being raised to believe that they can do anything they want, which I fully agree with.


And explode potatoes and start a fire. BTW, what is wrong with wearing the same socks for months? Huh?

The BigK,

I didn't know that your wife didn't screw the OM. I am happy for you.

It makes me sad that you could even think that. Nobody would ever have wanted that.

Nothing in my book. Women seems to have some sort of problem with it though. Go figure.

Okay, the BigK has piled on so I feel the need to vindicate myself. In no way do I think that women are inferior to men. If anything, I believe that women are the stronger and better gender. Have you ever read the preface to Puzo's "Fools Die"?

I was raised by the smartest and strongest woman this world has ever known. My Mother was a genius and always believed that she could do anything she wanted to and set her mind to do. As a role model, she was incredible. She started and completed a two year course in computer programming at age 63, just because she thought it would be "fun". I never grew up with any beliefs that women were inferior in any way. My mom had shown me quite the opposite.

I hate feeling the need to do this but I do not want Pio's and BigK's comments to hang out there unanswered. When I was in HS, I wrote a paper on the Soviet Union. One interesting tidbit of information I dug up is that, at that time, 80% of all Soviet physicians were women. Given the Communistic approach to labor apportioning, it was clear to me that the Soviets believed that women made better doctors. I believe this is generally true. During this time, I had a younger female cousin who so badly wanted to be a physician. Both her parents told her she shouldn't be, that she should be a nurse, because "that is what women do". It made me livid at seventeen years old. I told her about the paper I wrote and she was motivated. Sadly, her parents were paying for college and she majored in physical therapy. It was a huge loss but at least today she is happy, if not fulfilled.

I hope this smooths out my reputation here.

Sorry Pio I didn't mean to offend. I am acutely aware of how fortunate I am compared to the horror stories I see many of us enduring. I know how lucky I was. I guess to me I feel less able to offer opinions and advice because I haven't experienced the full horror if you will. I am careful to only offer advice in areas where I have personal experience.

In truth, I wish Jen didn't ask the question but I have no intention of being anything but truthful.