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See it's like magic. ML is like Lemmonman - speak her name and she appears.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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If he were to want to come back, my biggest issue with him would not be forgiveness, but trust. How could I ever trust him again? Steph, you can learn to trust him again IF he demonstrates trustworthy behavior. That being said, you should NEVER blindly trust him or anyone else again. Blind trust only leaves the door open for problems in a marriage. Trust, but verify, should be your new motto. And secondly, how can you "forgive" your H when he has not stopped his affair or asked FOR your forgiveness? Forgiveness is for when he has STOPPED his affair and for when he SEEKS forgiveness. Otherwise, it is just a selfish feel good gesture that means nothing. A person should be WILLING to forgive when it is appropriate, however. But it is much, much more than an emtpy exercise in feel goodism. See what I mean?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No. I just don't have the energy for hatred, anger or resentment yet. I know I should be feeling all of these things, but I don't. The trust thing is hard for me because I have always had trust issues, stemming from my childhood and my father. After dealing with him, I never trusted anybody outside my immediate family. Until WH. And I want to trust him again, but it will take work and even then I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I guess, maybe instead of forgiving him, I'm not holding it against him...does that make sense?
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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[color:"red"] TEJANS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [/color]
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t&l your talent is deserved of London East End, oh is East End in London? Well, nevermind, I wish I could write the Musical that makes honor to your compositions.
Last edited by larousse; 09/27/06 06:10 PM.
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Stef - Whatever gets you through the day is fine. But your emotions will change minute by minute. It's a rollercoaster. We ain't kidding about that. WHat you feel is what you feel. But ML is correct. She is totally correct. Listen to her.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I think Jen's computer must be broken or Rob has her chained to the bed. She normally can't shut up for more than 5 minutes.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Posts: 853
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I am listening, but I'm trying to understand too. And I'm trying to sort out my emotions.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Stph20 I guess, maybe instead of forgiving him, I'm not holding it against him...does that make sense? That is a very good begining and something that will help you to recover your marriage.
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emotions just are Stef - they will vary.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 853
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That makes me feel better.
I just want him to want the marriage back.
I know, I know, patience.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Oh great. Now another name to keep track of on this thread. Puh-leeze, BigK. Not so effusive and kissy-kissy. Someone might get the wrong idea......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> t&l, retreating to the safety of her own pad, there on the feminine hygiene products aisle Yes BigK, you are quite the charmer.
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emotions just are Stef - they will vary. I know that too, but I need to figure out exactly what I'm feeling and why. I need to calm down and stay calm, so I can make good and rational decisions about everything. Right now, everything I'm feeling all over the place, so I need to sort them out, get myself organized and decide what it is I want and the best way to go about it. Obviously, Plan A being goal #1 right now.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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How could I ever trust him again? You can't. Before the A, I took my WW's fidelity and adherience to her vows for granted. Obviously I was wrong. If we do R, I will not make that mistake again.
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You can't. Before the A, I took my WW's fidelity and adherience to her vows for granted. Obviously I was wrong. If we do R, I will not make that mistake again. Then what's your plan if you do R? You can't have a relationship without trust.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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larousse,
Back from marachi night. They played Mujares Divina or however it is spelled. Great song. And, of course, they played my favorite song Lambada. All great.
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Stph, Harley says that not only most of us are capable of having an affair but that noone should be trusted blindly.
Not only because of the risk of an affair but because the partner of a marriage needs to have complete honesty to each other to grow as a couple, he recomends the Policy of Radical Honesty.
Now Stph how can you take this separation with less impatience?
You could concentrate in all the things that have to change before he comes back, if he comes back because you beg him to do it, there is a risk that he doesn't accept the Policy of Radical HOnesty, there is also the risk that he keeps the affair, just best underwater. So, it's in your best interest that when he comes back he does it because he wants to and because he has accepted to have no contact with her for life.
Last edited by larousse; 09/27/06 06:48 PM.
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Hey Todd, I'm so happy for you. Let me see if I can find the lyrics for you and try a little translation exercise.
The author BF was reading when he was here is Richard Brautigan*, have you heard of him?
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I'm done begging him to come back (or not to leave, as was the case). I'm OK with him gone and I'll be OK if he comes back. I'm just impatient with the limbo stage and with him.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Sigh. I sure didn't intend on driving off T&L. Sheesh. Can't I say ANYTHING without risking having it misinterpretted. Can I start today again please?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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