I have been pondering this question most of the night, and I really need to know some thoughts on it.<P>My h contiunes to deny this relationship is still going on. I believe he has adequetely convinced his family that there is nothing-nor has there ever been anything- going on between him and OW. <P>What concerns me, is a possible point of no return-not just to me and my family- but to reality in general.<P>My h behaviors these last several months have been of increasing concern to me, esp where my d is concerned. I am really concerned for her safety.<P>I believe that his 'fantasy' world he is living in- his OW lives out of state and he can't have her- is becoming an obsession. I believe that his main and only concern at this point is his lust for her.<P>Events that have happened over this past weekend only show me that his behavior is becoming more and more irresponsible and that my child my be in danger in his presence.<P>So, my guestion is, are all fantasy relationships, obsession? Or when you are involved in this affair, do you still know the difference from, right and wrong. I hate to general the betrayers on this board. I think that you all have a great deal of remorse and willingness to put your marriages back together.<P>I dont know if I have explained this well, but the bottom line to me is that, my h is NOT being responsible-to anyone- and he is not making rational decisions when it comes to our d. If fact, I believe that this obsession of his is controlling his mind to the point of neglect.<P>Any words to offer?<P>God bless,<P>c<BR>

C,<BR>I can't offer any help on this one. I can only say that He is an adult and should be held accountable for his actions. If he is not being responsible with your D then that needs to be addressed. Have you talked to him about this ?? What did he say ?? Or is he oblivious to what he is doing.....<P>Sorry I can't help, It's out of my league.<P>Anyone else.........?

Hi Cheryl - <P>(Dreamin' about the name...OK I'm back)<P>Cheryl, I've been wondering this same thing. Although W and I don't have kids, the irresponsible behavior is just beyond the pale. From what I've read and learned for betrayers on this forum, the addiction is particularly strong for a betrayer. It's a chemical thing, similar I suppose to heroin or cocaine addiction. Except in this case, the body produces the drug. Fortunately, the body also knows when enough is enough and turns down the heat. My guess is that if the source of the addiction (OP) is removed from the betrayer (as is true in your case) withdrawal is incredibly intense and can explain the irrational behavior.<P>Just picture what you've always known about trying to kick heroin addiction - the junkie will do "anything" to get that high.<P>Having said that, if you feel your daughter is in danger - GET HER OUT OF THERE!!! Do you have any trusted friends or relatives where she can stay for a while?

Ceecee<P>I agree with you your husband is obsessed to the point of neglect for your daughter. There may in fact be nothing going on right now because as you say the OW is out of state. That does not change his desires. His affair is not over in his mind, although as a far as he's concerned "nothing is going on",he is just trying to put it back together. There is no rational thought when the infidel is in this mode.<P>As an example it was my wife's birthday the other day and I suggested that the kids and I take her to brunch. She said fine. Then we found out that my son had a soccer game and I asked if we could put it off to late afternoon. She got most indignant and insisted that my son shouldn't be so selfish and should not play because it's her birthday. She was going out with OM in the evening, so no rationale would convince her that SHE might be selfish. With all the problems soccer is a good outlet for my son.<P> I don't know if this helps you but you always know that you must do what is best for your daughter and you first. Even though it makes sense to you, he will always twist it around to something you're doing to him.

Rutger/Shattered/Awoken-<P>Thank you for your replies. It sounds to me like we are all in the same boat here. <BR>Since he has moved out, filed for divorce, I really believe that he has "in his mind" removed me from his thoughts. I doubt very much that he gives me much thought at all. In fact, because of all of this and his continued denial of the truth, I believe he feels completely justified lying to me and w/h information. I gave him a Plan B letter of Fri night and he throw it on the floor. (Lot of respect there-uh?)<BR>I know that some of the things that I must do in this divorce proceeding will appear to him and huge LB's, but he has put me in this position. <BR>I don't think he will ever come back to me (at this point, I dont care!) but his lack of concern for my d really bothers me. Will be talking to atty tomorrow to see what she thinks.<BR>Thanks again, guys. Your wives have no idea what kind of great men they are missing out on.<P>God Bless,<P>c

ceecee-<BR>The whole "dual" personality thing can affect the children also. Unfortunately, for me, this is one area that I am having a hard time forgiving. <P>In our case, there were many occasions where his "parental" instincts should have kicked in...but they didn't. Our kids were not in any danger, but he was so disconnected from the family, it was as if they did not exist or at least he would not let them exist in his "other" world.<P>I mean he would go through the trouble of removing the car seats whenever he was going to see her....as if his life did not consist of a baby and a 3 year old. (She was 23, single w/no kids) <P>I will give him credit for recommiting to kids when he came out of his "fog". Probably more of a commitment to them than to me. He has even broken down, many months later, and expressed how bad he felt about his poor handling of certain situations that affected the kids.<P>Maybe not at this moment, but there is hope.<p>[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited October 04, 1999).]

Cheryl,<P>The fantasy of the affair does not start out as an obsession. But I think it can turn into one pretty easily. Think about it -- the betrayer basically leaves his family to be with the OW. Then the OW is not with him. His thoughts will now always focus on her because that is the whole reason why he left in the first place. Soon, that's all he can think about... BAM! obsession. I think it could happen pretty damn easy.<P>--andy