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Works out. Hmm. I think it's like oh I dunno less than 10% of affairs result in marriage. And 75% of those fail within 5 years. Yep - they work our real good. Maybe someone can correct my percentages.
Stef - All affairs end. They really do. There are a few very rare exceptions. I'm not waiting 5 years for him to get his head out of his a**!!
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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I just don't want him coming back based solely on financial reasons.
Does it occur to anyone that WS's only come back because the "something better" didn't work out? Or do they usually come back because they honestly want the M to work? I don't want him to "settle" for me just because his fling with her didn't work. OK Stef, I'm POSITIVE I've said this before. Listen up (AGAIN) YOU DON'T CARE WHY he comes back It's ENOUGH that he COMES BACK at first. Be glad if he comes back regardless of the reason because it gives you a chance to recover. He won't STAY for those reasons long term even if he comes home for those reasons. IF he comes home, you work your butt off filling his love bank and recovering so he STAYS because he is in love with you and you with him. Seriously, it's enough just to have him back in your house at the beginning. If you can't accept that, divorce him now and move on with your life because I guarantee he will come home with less than noble intentions spewing venom and fog. It doesn't last. Eventually, he will suffer a lot for his dumb choices.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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It was a slow dawning that I was going to go down that path, not a sudden overnight decision Obviously I have never talked to WW about this. From first meeting OM to falling madly in love (and into bed) was about 2 weeks give or take. I can see in my mind her calling BF and telling her she had met her soulmate. I can see BF telling her that, if she is not happy, get a divorce. I can see WW struggling with BF for days until she makes the decision that had already been made and invites OM over to dinner. I would love to post the telephone call pattern. Let me work on that today and upload it tonight. I have it graphed in some interesting ways. It looks just like a high school girl calling her first boyfriend. I hope I don't offend anyone by posting it. If WW sees it and gets offended, I really don't care. She won't see it though.
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I wouldn't wait 5 years either. He11 I probably wouldn't have waited 6 months - I didn't find MB for around 8 weeks after D-Day and my wife was already back home. I was of the opinion at that point that we could not recover. MB saved my marriage.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Posts: 8,297
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Why do it?
Yes, well that's the 60 million dollar question isn't it.
Because I was totally and completely obsessed by him and thought he would leave his w and we would ride off into the sunset together.
Everything everyone is saying is true, stph. It's fantasy, it's not real, it can't last when the reality of really LIVING the fantasy comes into it.
Say the OM and I had got together. The reality would have been ex spouses that hated us, kids that hated us, legal stuff, business stuff and day to day stuff. The A was based on romantic meetings and living a "this is all so romantic and star crossed" life.
It wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes.
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NO, you have never told me that before.
How do you trust that the reasons have changed?
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Pio, I'd rather not see it if you don't mind. My cellphone records look much the same.
It took 4 months for the EA of mine to turn into a PA. The PA bit ended 5 months after that and then it was an EA again for another 9 months.
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Because stph, they don't STAY for those reasons. They have to have something in their minds to bring them back. Even if it is "for the kids", you cannot recover until they are back home and in NC. Ask Jen, I had one of the worst WH's and he has completely turned around now.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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YOU DON'T CARE WHY he comes back
It's ENOUGH that he COMES BACK at first. stph20, This is exactly right. Don't ever forget this. If he does come back, you will eventually get what you want. Don't expect him to come back crawling on his knees crying and begging your forgiveness and swearing his undieing love. I could write a chapter on why I think that can't happen but I won't bore you all. Him coming back to you will likely be quite painful for him and that won't be because of you. You will have to cut him some slack on this. Your objective is to get him back. Then begin to work on the relationship. Give yourselves time to heal and then think about recovering the M and then follow BigK's roadmap to a blissful marriage. Things have to happen in a certain order. Remember there is no quick fix for this. Affairs happen quickly. Recovery takes time.
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Stef - are you saying you can't tell when someone is in love with you?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,128
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Pio, I'd rather not see it if you don't mind. My cellphone records look much the same I'll just post the URL with a very clear warning message for you to avoid it. What gets me is one graph where I plotted the calls by time of day. This graph convinced me they were her calls. I loved the bit where she called him every night when I was in the shower.
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Now, before everyone yells at me again (ahem, BigK), let me be clear and state that I totally get Kiwi's post. I really do.
BUT, in MY situation, they have already had "serious" life talks. About what, I'm not sure, but apparently they have talked about legal issues between me and WH and legal issues between OW and BF, dealing with their son and CS. They are prepared for all of this.
Now I understand the fantasy world they're in, but it seems to me they're in reality too. True?
And WH has told me (even though I'm not supposed to listen to him), that even if things between him and OW don't work out, he still wants to leave me. My ? about this is, is this still considered "fog" talk?
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Stef - are you saying you can't tell when someone is in love with you? No, I'm not saying that, I'm saying I don't trust anything anymore and not sure that I can. He lied to me for 2 months before I found out about the A and did it quite well. I just don't know anything anymore.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Yep Fog. And I have never yelled at you - really.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Posts: 853
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Yeah, you kinda have, but it's OK, I deserve and need it from time to time. I'm not mad about it.
I get these mental blocks and can't understand what's going on.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
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BUT, in MY situation, they have already had "serious" life talks. About what, I'm not sure, but apparently they have talked about legal issues between me and WH and legal issues between OW and BF, dealing with their son and CS. They are prepared for all of this.
Now I understand the fantasy world they're in, but it seems to me they're in reality too. True?
And WH has told me (even though I'm not supposed to listen to him), that even if things between him and OW don't work out, he still wants to leave me. My ? about this is, is this still considered "fog" talk? Ok, even though I feel invisible on this thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> let me answer this one. Stph, they all do. My FWH discussed with his first OW about her moving here (long distance A) so he could be close to the kids and her getting a transfer for her job. I discussed certain "plans" with my FOM (gag) and my FWH discussed legalities and details with OW #2. It is part of the fantasy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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FF, you're never invisible. I'm so happy to see you here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Thanks, Jen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Posting to 2much has brought me back to posting more on MB. I forgot how much time it sucks away LOL
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Stef,
(Welcome FF BTW)
My wife and OM made plans to leave their spouses and live with each other. Detailed plans. They canvassed amongst themselves the likely reactions of friends and relatives.
They were "in love" and wanted to be with each other.
I discovered their affair 4 weeks before they would have done this.
I get frustrated because you time and again dwell on what your WS says. DO NOT LISTEN to fog-babble talk from your WS. It is meaningless.
Even if/when he comes home, look at what he does, not what he says.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 853
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I know not to listen to him, but first of all, that's a hard lesson to learn, especially being so new at this. Second of all, he's so convincing that I can't help but believe him. Third of all, it hurts so much when I talk to him and he's either talking D, or LBing me to death with talk of the bills and how I can't pay them, I get so upset, that I can't help it. I'm working on it.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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