FF

Thanks for your reply. I didn't realize that they all did discuss their "future" together. I feel better, knowing my WH is the same, more or less, as the rest of them.

It makes me sick.

stph20,

They HAVE to talk future together. That is part of what keeps the A alive. If they don't believe they have a future, how can they be soulmates.

My gemela had all sorts of "plans" with OM. She planned to move to pack her bags and move to York. He planned to get a small apartment where they could live. He was also going to buy a car. I am sure the apartment was four floors with 6 bedrooms in their talks. All the bathroom fixtures gilded. I am sure his car was a limousine. Even their future talks are based in fantasy.

One night I had had enough. I told gemela to pack her bags and leave. I packed one for her. I got down to brass tacks. I asked her if she needed a divorce right away or wanted to wait awhile. I asked her where they would live and how they would handle visitation with the kids. I asked if they planned to get married or just live together.

Although they had had all these future plan talks in quiet whispers on their shared pillow, when it came down to it, she could not answer one single question. She simply had no friggin clue. And I could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't lying. She was totally perplexed that she could not answer a single question about their planned future.

Everything they talked about was intended to keep the fantasy alive. They never talked about a reality future. Do you know what? I felt truly sorry for her in that moment. I realized that she had decided to give up her life for nothing. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

Erm, I never talked future with the OM.

He made it clear right from the start that he would never leave his wife and family and that "we" were nothing to do with our spouses.

I thought I could "make" him leave.

He said that when push came to shove I would never leave either.

Stef,

Bob Pure posted this on Plank's Fear thread...

He also told me that the only reason he was having an A with me was because we had never had SF as teenagers and he'd always wanted to. He even admitted that part of it was to hurt me for breaking his heart 30 years ago. I said "you mean it was that calculated." He said maybe not THAT calculated but it was a factor.

I asked WH some questions about his future before he moved out too, and I didn't really think much about it, even though it didn't make sense to me(what does anymore?). I asked him where he planned on living, what he planned on doing with the rest of his life, etc. It makes more sense now.

Then I asked him if he actually pictured how his life would be without me in it.

He answered "I don't know" to everything but the last one and his answer was "no".

Now, I'm a pretty organized person, borderline OCD, and I have to have a plan for everything (which is why this is stressing me out soooo much--I can't control it and I need control). If I were going to make such a life-changing decision, such as divorce, I would need to know what my next million steps were going to be. I'm not a roll-with-the-punches kind of girl, but he's that type of guy. This isn't bothering him. And I know it's because of his fantasy-world!

How do you think gemela is feeling now?

I also never hated Rob. Not once.

Am I some kind of weirdo that doesn't fit the mould or something? I'm starting to think I am.

Wow Jen. What an absolute gem of a man. (This was a sarcastic post about OM - others slipped posts in so mine lost it's meaning)

I read it earlier, thank you though. It makes sense.
Everything makes sense, it's just so hard to follow through.

And it's very hard to get over the fear. I'm scared of everything right now.

When did he choose to tell you this?

Oh my God, I can't believe someone saying that to another person!

Whether he is that kind of guy or not is immaterial. All affairees do this (except for KiwiJ). Life suddenly has new meaning for them. Nothing can go wrong. God is smiling on them.


I couldn't care less because it has no bearing on anything. That's what you don't yet understand. Those thoughts are a wasted mental exercise.

KiwiJ,

So you are saying that OM had an affair with you to punish you? And you still went on with it? What does that mean? Who were YOU trying to punish? I am not criticizing you. I am just wondering if you weren't trying to punish yourself which is why I ask the question.

He told me that when I was getting too clingy and expecting more from him than just an email once a week and lunch or a drink more than once a month. I mean that about lunch or a drink. SF happened 10 times in 18 months.

Yeah, quite a catch wasn't he BigK?

Pio, I thought I owed him it. He had a breakdown when I broke up with him when I was 18.

As this thing progresses, there is a shift in power. At first, the BS feels like WS's reject. That will change. After a while, the BS see that the WS is THEIR reject and struggles to find excuses to bring them back.

Gemela idolized OM and that rubbed off on me. For a long time I saw him as larger than life even though I had met him and knew he wasn't. When I found the love notes and photos, I realized who OM was - a pathetic little dweezel. OM became nothing to me. Unfortunately, in that same instant, gemela followed him. Since then it has been a real struggle to want her back.

I was very afraid in my first months post Dday. I triple guessed everything I did. Go read my posts. If you can't find them, I'll post the links.

But one thing I never did was become paralyzed to inaction. I think my actions were quick and severe. Maybe too much so. But I killed the PA in an instant. The EA lingered. Even so, I made it impossible too. Inaction has never been my problem. Impulsiveness? Maybe [ducking].

Don't let your fear control you. Control it. Fear is normal. It is unfortunate that new BS's don't realize how much power they hold. You may think your husband is driving this boat and he certainly does. You are both wrong.

..................

Yeah, I know, you're speechless.

Look, it's all a long time ago now. It's past.
It's not doing anyone any good rehashing what a jerk he was or how it all happened.

I'm not there any more.

That's why I decided not to say anything. I had a nice long post going and gave up. I have nothing I want to say.

Do you know what is the difference between gemela and every other woman in the world? Every other woman in the world has never cheated on me. Interesting statistic.

Now that's flat out the funniest thing I have ever heard you say Pio.

I had part B of the "honesty" talk with WW tonight. She still clings to the lie that she didn't have an affair. She said he tried, they tried, but OM is impotent. His XW says differently and the evidence I have, mountains of it, say differently. I told her three times that I will not move forward based on lies. She would not bulge. I told her that either she thinks she is protecting OM and/or her darling BF told her to "deny until you die".

I never got to the conditions. I also did not table her drinking. After reading Dr. Harley's article on alcoholism, there is no doubt that WW is an alcoholic. I have asked her to quit many times. DS3 has begged her and she ignores both of us. According to Dr. Harley, she is so in love with her wine that she is unwilling to give it up. Moreover, R would be an empty attempt, even if she did come clean. Dr. Harley also said that it is important for a spouse to emotionally withdraw from an alcoholic spouse. That is already in progress.

And how do YOU spell NC?



A few peanuts and a couple of beers and she will! Probably water weight gain - mostly.

MelodyLane suggested how important Plan B is to you. Do you plan to go absolute NC? it is important for you to begin to get closure and it is the only way that WW will ever change. These phone calls are going nowhere. You two have had this exact same conversation for weeks now.