FC, I haven't quite got this all worked out in my head & I'll probably end up with this thing being presented in many pieces but I'll tell you what I can of my story & how I perceive ex's withholding the truth from me mattered.

ex came to me saying he wanted to D 3 1/3 years ago. I asked if there was someone else, NO he claims. MC askes if there is someone else, NO, he says. I suspect, do what checking I can but can't confirm he's having an affair.

ex agrees to stay "one year" to see if he will "fall abck in love with me". I plan A all the while. One year goes by ex says he will be going through with D.

It becomes apparent after he moves out he has been seeing someone he works with. Within two months of moving out he has introduced the kids to gf. Two weeks after the D is final he has moved in with gf. There's more that points to an affair but I don't need to go into that because I've choosen to believe he cheated. EA/PA I don't know.

Had ex been honest with me, had he been willing to fess up, had he let me decide how I wanted to proceed by giving me ALL the information I deserved who knows how things may have turned out. As it was I didn't get to act on the facts because he felt I didn't need to know them. He made the decision for me by withholding crucial information.

Why? I can guess. Fear mostly. Fear of confrontation, fear of losing OW, fear of what I might tell the boys & their reaction to his actions. He took away my ability to make choices based on facts & left me with uncertainty & on shaky ground when attempting to reconcile. It has it's affects still & will into the future because he will not admit what he did. I'm sure he thinks he handled things in the best way but that's only the best way for him. It's unfair for him to choose for me.

Actually I've just been on this board over the last couple of months because I never really dealt with the fact of infidelity in my marriage because ex never confirmed it. Because I didn't have absolute proof of an affair a big part of my healing was delayed & major issues were left un-dealt with because I didn't know the facts. ex made that choice for me too. To be mild ex's actions were arrogant, selfishly motivated, cruel, manipulative & deceptive. There's more I'm sure.

FC,



We are at the opposite side of the spectrum.... we are saying that it is cruel to maintain the ILLUSION.

Todd, good to see you. I mean, I hope you got enough sleep.

Pio,
I just remember, the shoes, the boxes, get them undusted, pull them out of the end of the garage !

nams,

Does your fridge have a built-in water filter? If so, the beeping may be an indication that you need to change the filter.

Well her clothes were pretty well jumbled up from shipping, customs inspection, repacking and unpacking. I was certain I went up and carefully folded all of HER stuff. One less problem.

ToddAC,

Apparently she has a smoke detector inside her fridge. She didn't explain why though.

Hey since fridges generate heat, maybe that is an idea for you to consider too.

Nams, I appreciate your situation and your rational way of presenting it. But I never wanted to leave my H, I didn't understand why I had fallen in "love" with someone else. It was my problem, not his. I have other issues which caused me to seek validation outside of my marriage. It was not something that he did wrong. Now that I can see what was motivating my behavior, I have changed it, and I am trying to make the best situation possible. I thought for the longest I loved them both equally. It was truly me all screwed up. I feel that it's my problem to deal with alone because he didn't do anything to really cause it.

And Luna, I understand perfectly what you are saying. But what I am trying to tell you is my A was an illusion in my own mind. It had very little to do with reality. My reality was that I loved my H and didn't understand why I was acting in this fashion. I have figured it out, I see the error of my ways and why I was acting like this and I didn't love that other man, I just thought I did.

Sorry, Melodylane,

...been doing some cross-posting... just read yours FC...

I now feel like your ECHO.....

...think I have said all I needed to say to FC....

...going back to 'regular programming'...although Pio is not 'totally' here.....

...TOO DAMN busy with his toys...LOL!

I would give anything to see Pio PLAY with his toys...

Oh...wait...maybe not

Pio?.... are you filming yourself?

Before my Dday, I had never heard of an EA. As a BS, I understand their danger. I wonder how many people have EA's without ever realizing what they have done.

FC, just one more thing. I haven't read all of the things that have been said to you but I think this is pertinent.

Once upon a time...when I knew things weren't going well in the marriage, before I took steps to improve things in a way ex said he wanted them improved, I thought to myself, "if ex cheated I wouldn't want to know".

This was allowing him to run my life for me. To think that I could live a life, have a marriage based on a lie means I didn't think very much of myself at the time. Well, I lived that & it is not the way to go. The truth makes ALL the difference. I still don't have that so I have to piece things together to make reasonable guesses. This is not what someone does to the person they say they love.

Maybe I'll install garage cam.

FC, I would always prefer to know about any A's my WW has or has had. Knowing is awful; not knowing is worse.

nams,

I hate to get hung up on tiny details, but why is a smoke detector in a drawer and not on, oh let's say, the ceiling?

fc,

Shouldn't your H know who he is married to? From the sounds of it, you want to portray to your H that your are someone you are not? How can there be true intimacy in a marriage if this is the case? Should he not know ALL of you, the good and the bad?

fG

Nam,

watch out, Todd wants to learn ways to get around the smoke detectors.

Hi Todd,

Did you get a good night sleep?

Are you still seeing red font?

As far as Pio is concerned...don't bother...too busy with his toys....and what??? waxing his whole body???

..dare I 'DARE HIM' to do a Brasilian one. LOL!

Because we all know that smoke rises and smoke on the ceiling can't hurt you (unless you're painting the ceiling). It is when it gets down low that you really want to worry about it. I thought it was a clever idea. I'm taking all mine down tonight.

I know you feel that way Todd and I understand. But there was very little emotional distance that came about as a result of my EA. To my H it seemed like everything was fine. Very little changed for us during that period of time. He was and remains unaware of any real problems in the marriage. From his point of view everything was pretty good. And I have to say that I think we will once again have a really good marriage. How can you argue with sucess of a 37 year marriage? He has a lot of stress in his life, I just couldn't burden him with more.

Pio, I am sure there are untold numbers of people who had that very thing happen and didn't have a clue. I am reasonably bright and you could have knocked me over with a feather. That's why I say I have learned so very much about myself.

Well guys and gals,

I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm going upstairs to referee where I'm REALLY needed. I can here the DDs fighting of a doll. DD2 has really improved her vertical leap. Time for "jump Bratz" and see who wins the tip-off.

FC

Have you ever thought that maybe by telling him, he could help you through this?

I don't think you're giving him enough credit by not telling him.

You disrespected him by having the A in the first place, it's even more disrespectful to not tell him, because you don't think he can handle it.

It may be the thing that draws you closer together and creates a stronger marriage.