I had an affair a year ago. I didn't want to but I did and I hurt my husband. We went to counseling through church and professional. But things are not better. He kept accusing me of wanting other men, which wasn't true --- he suffers from depression and low self esteem and no matter how much I try to be happy and make him happy, it always seems to fail. Last week a man whom I was only friends with --- and whom I was helping on a professional level with his business --- lied and told my husband we were having an affair. My husband chose to believe him over me because I told him (H) the truth when he asked if I found the man attractive. Then my husband called me every name in the book, called all of my family to tell them what a slut I am --- and they have denounced me. He also saw a lawyer and is suing me for divorce and taking the house and our two small children. He was also planning to go to my boss and have me fired. I told him I would not fight him for the kids or the house or anything else. I told him I would pay him alimony (I make a good salary) if he would allow me to keep my job. We're in a small town and he and his family pretty much own it. I don't want to hurt him or our children. I did ask if I can continue to be a part of their lives because I love them and I don't want them to suffer because of my mistake. I explained to my 6 year old that mommy hurt daddy and daddy wants mommy to live somewhere else but I would still always been available for her and her 2 year old sister and that I loved them both very much. I started packing up my things this weekend and looking for a place that is nearby. But my husband wrote me a letter begging my forgiveness for what he has done and for what he has said. Then he left and I haven't seen or heard from him since. He didn't take anything but his shaving kit. I don't even notice any clothes missing. He left without saying a word to our children. He didn't tell his mom where he is. I don't hate him, but I feel no love for him anymore either. I just feel empty. I cannot afford our house. I am left in limbo because we have lots of debt and a house and kids -- and everyone I know hates me because this is all my fault. I can't even afford an attorney. My best friend says I have him now for abadonment. But I don't want to make this into some ugly war. I just don't know what to do. I acknowledge this is all my fault. I acknowledge that I am the one who should lose everything because I cheated on him. But what do I do now? I could get in my car with the kids and go try to find him --- but I can't tell him that I forgive him and want to make everything all better again. I failed him in our marriage and I am the one who needs to leave. And despite what Dr. Harley says about the cheating spouse wanting to leave --- I don't have some lover waiting in the wings --- I hate all men other than my father and my husband. They are only after one thing -- sex --- and I can live my life perfectly fine without any of them. Only God can give us the love we need. I have asked his forgiveness and I pray daily for Him to take over my life.

elle,<P>First off, NOTHING IS SET IN STONE AT THIS TIME. Time is on your side, and nobody says you have to do a THING right this second. <P>Secondly, you don't deserve to lose "everything" (including your children)because you had an affair. <P>It sounds like your H was angry, and rightfully so, because he was hurt by your infidelity. He made threats, and now he's sorry. You couldn't accept this apology and now he's gone to think. That's what it sounds like to me.<P>Is is OVER between you and the OM, right? What about the things your H said about the the other man who works with you, they AREN'T TRUE, are they?? That said, the person who is betrayed is usually hurt beyond anything they've ever felt for at least as long as the affair lasted, sometimes much longer. Part of that depends on the circumstances that surround the affair, what the betrayer says during and after the affair (like "I never loved you" or "he is a better lover than you EVER were") words like that can wound more than the act itself. I don't know your situation, but you have to take all things into account. You said that the affair was a year ago. How long did it last, when did it end?? These things take time. You said you don't love your H, and then later you say you do. I suspect you do. More reason to give this time.<P>Also, you have to find a way to forgive yourself. That's almost the hardest part of all this. If you can't forgive yourself, it's hard to beleive that your H can, or even that God can. But God forgives you if you turn away from that sin and are truly sorry - which it sounds like you are. Work on forgiving yourself. Your children are very young, this marriage and their lives can be repaired. <P>Check out my profile under my sunglasses next to my name. You will see that I am a betrayer and I have been betrayed. I know how it feels from both sides. I know how it feels to be out of my mind...<P>May God bless and keep your family in His hands...<BR> <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P>

OH what a tangled web we weave.

Dear elle,<P>Please let us know what the next development is. <P>God is so good. Keep on praying to Him. He has an answer for you. <P>Dr. Harley says the spouse that was betrayed, suffers the worse kind of emotional pain that there is. It is just horrible. It isn't surprising your husband has low self esteem and is depressed. And how cruel of this person to tell your husband this. I would consider filing a suit of slander, to clear your name.<P>I know your lovebank is on empty, so is his. Have you read the basic concepts? Please do so. It is so informative. It can give you a plan, to start working to resolve this, and rebuild your marriage into something that is just simply marvelous.<P>I agree, your husband may be just trying to figure some things out. It would be very easy for him to believe the man who said those things. <P>Thinking about you, sending you hugs.<P>{{{hugs}}}<P>M4B

Another thing I wanted to tell you, that is only my opinion.<P>There are many professional counselors out there, and clergy that are giving marital counseling to couples who suffer from infidelity. Their success rate is only about 20% +/-<P>The Harley methods, and counseling have been successful 90% +/-<P>You may feel like your counseling was a last ditch effort, but perhaps the counselor you went to was not specialized in this area.<P>Rethink that, if that is what you are feeling.<P>

In reply to your postings. New Beginnings --- my affair (the only one I had) lasted about 3 months and ended Sept 98. The OM is a real psycho though and he called my husband, called me, sent letters anonymously, sent me a birthday card, and did other such things for about 6 months afterward. Not because he loved me in any way, just because he knew how to get to my husband and he was so angry that he'd been fired from his job (we were co-workers). I never told my husband any hurtful things like the sex was better, etc. What I wanted from the other relationship was friendship and someone to talk to --- my husband has always been very emotionally distant. His father died just before we were married and he would never share his pain with me --- that is until after the affair ended and we went through counseling and then I found out more about my husband than I ever knew. And as for the man who lied --- I still haven't figured out why he would do such a thing. He claimed to be a good christian --- we had a strictly professional relationship and barely discussed personal stuff --- mostly because we're at such different places in life --- I'm 10 years old than he is plus I'm married and have two kids --- he is barely out of his parents house (well, 24) and lives the single life. We talked about christian music and church stuff and work things --- that's all. <P>To update from yesterday, I took my kids to the movies (Elmo) to give them something normal in their lives and we tried to find my husband before we went (went by his mom's, went by his work) but didn't find him. When we got home though, he had called and had left me a letter saying he just wanted everything to be back to normal. He left his hotel number so I called him and told him he was welcome to come home for dinner. I did so mostly for the kids though --- our 2 year old kept asking where daddy was. When he came home though, I have to admit I was angry --- I was angry he would leave them without saying a word, leaving me to have to find an explanation. We waited until they were in bed to talk --- and while things started out okay, I was still so hurt that he had threatened to take the kids away and that he had called my family....I told him I don't want to fight but I am not sure where we are right now --- because I feel nothing --- except sad. I am not angry and I don't want to hurt him anymore. But I don't love him and can't instantly go back to normal either. After about two hours, I said I couldn't talk about it anymore because we weren't getting anywhere. He got angry about that --- but we slept in the same bed just the same. This morning I got up and said good morning to him --- not cheerfully, but not angrily either. He didn't say a word. He went about getting dressed and I got the girls breakfast and got them dressed for school. Then I got in the shower -- the next thing I knew -- he came in said he had the girls in the car and I was to pack my things up and get out by noon today. He said I was never to see the girls again and I could not take anything from the house but my personal things. I told him I didn't understand why he was doing this now and he said he couldn't live any longer with me not loving him as he loves me. So I guess I will call an attorney. I don't know what else to do. I called my boss to see about getting my check today so I could get a place to stay.

elle,<P>Both your husband and you are having very natural (and very destructive) reactions to the aftermath of an affair.<P>You don't love him like you did. That's a given.<P>He's incredibly hurt, angry, and confused.<P>But...<P>The bottom line is that you can reestablish your marriage, and make it into a relationship that is terrific. It's going to take some time for the dust to settle. If I were in your shoes, I would be using generous doses of good will towards your husband---let him know that although you have lost your feelings for him, that you're confident that you can get them back if you both work on the marriage. Let him know that you will do anything in your power to do this---for him, for yourself, and especially for your kids. Do not defend any of your actions---avoid all lovebusters---but constantly let him know that you want a marriage that's great for the both of you.<P>Your husband has, unfortunately, done damage with his response. Nothing irrevocable, but it's going to be tougher for you to work through. You need to suck it up---this will be the best for all of you.<P>I'd suggest that you immediately call Steve Harley here (888-639-1639) and start counseling. Let your husband know that he's welcome to join, and that Steve is an expert in saving marriages touched by infidelity (which he is). My guess is that after the dust settles, your husband will want to reconcile with you---if you want custody of the children, the courts usually side with the mother. If he's a devoted father (or wants to be), he'll probably get that information and act on it accordingly.<P>You can all get through this. It's not easy, but the results are well worth it. If he needs help dealing with this, you can suggest that he come to this web site for support.