I'll be the first one to admit that our marriage fell so far downhill and I was a big contributer simply for the fact that I didn't contribute to the marriage. I didn't do things with my husband because I felt uncomfortable with the weight I'd gained during my 2 pregnancies. He on the other hand didn't give me my own time alone to work on the weight gain, or help with the household aspects that so often tie up women's time. He moved into an affair with another women, at first emotionally, then physically. Now he is constantly flying down to see her (after she moved) and says that there is no chance for us at all-I had 10 years of chances and he really wants to work on it with her now. Any attempt that I make at showing gestures of support (ie calling to talk about his day, leaving cards, trying to massage his back) are seen as me trying to push us back together. Leave him alone? He won't answer the phone when he sees my # on the caller id. I don't want my children to suffer the loss of their father if he does move to Kansas. I can cope if I need to, but they are under 9 years old. (p.s. I don't beg when I'm with him. I try to be very cheerful, but he know's what's up)

Oh kate, I know how you feel <P>When my H cheated, it was on the heels of the birth of our third child and I had gained (literally over the 3 pregnancies), 100 pounds.<P>I've read some of Harley's stuff, and he'll say that you just HAVE to take care of yourself physically, and weight gain is a lovebuster (correct me if I'm wrong everyone!). It hurts your marriage. My H always said that I was beautiful no matter what weight I was, but when he cheated, the two women he chose were both thin, pretty, and fit. Did I lose weight then? No. Why? Because it was HARD, and the weight was emotional. I think the weight had more to do with it than the emotional stuff in my case. I was so heavy that I couldn't do anything that he wanted to do. Frankly, I couldn't even fit in the seats at Disneyland with a kid. I had to sit alone! My H loved me, don't get me wrong, and he was NEVER cruel, but I knew it was a HUGE problem (no pun intended). Now here's the rub... when I actually did lose weight, I attracted men. First it was the pastor at the church we attended- I don't joke, just ask my H (3wishes)- he HATES the man, and then I immediately gained the weight back. The next time I lost weight, last year, is when I had an affair. I don't know why I am talking so much about the weight aspect, but I think it does matter - A LOT. I haven't gained back the weight this time although the affair is long over, and I still have about 25-35 pounds to lose to look "really good" to me, but my H thinks I look "REALLY GOOD" right now. And it's made a difference to him.<P>I know your main question had nothing to do with the weight aspect, and I apologize big time if I'm hurting your feelings at all... it's just that I've spent most of my adult life 100+ pounds overweight, and that fact in your post jumped out at me.<P>You need to take care of yourself for YOU, and a side effect might be that he looks at you differently. He's in a fantasy right now with the OW. You can keep on plan a-ing, or move on to plan b. I'm sure you'll get lots of wonderful advice here.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

kate31 -- my situation was different than yours, but I too went through a stage where my W thought everything I did was "pushing her." I tried to "back off" a little, but was not very successful. I continued to do all the things she said were "pushing her."<P>In my case, eventually my continued attempts at making her happy (plan A, even though at the time I didn't know about plan A) eventually paid off.<P>I don't know if this will be applicable to your situation or not, but I thought I would share it with you. Good luck.<P>God Bless

Thanks- I appreciate the feedback from both of you. I talked with my H tonight when he showed up to visit the children. The OW called on his cell phone when he was here. I admit I got angry and told him that it was very low-class for him not to call her back. He told me is still going to continue to talk with her, but that he was here at my house because there was some feeling left. Do you think he's trying to get the best of both worlds? Trying to keep a foot on each side of the fence?

Definitely. He isn't going to do anything until he comes face to face with a consequence he doesn't like and can't control. As long as he can manipulate you into waiting around while he figures out what he wants to do, he'll make you wait. And the more he can get away with, the more he will push the threshold to see how far he can go.

P.S.<P>You didn't have half as much to do with the relationship failing as he says you did. You had exactly 50% to do with it. Guess who had the other 50%? Loose zipper boy over there did. It takes two to tango. (I prefer salsa myself. Point is the same. You can't dance unless two people want to dance together. And if the dance isn't going well, chances are both people are doing something wrong.)<P>There are several reasons why he may have blamed you for the relationship failure. Some typical ones that come to mind:<P>- Guilt.<BR>- A complete inability to take responsibility for his own mistakes.<BR>- Self justification.<BR>- To save face with family and friends. He can assassinate your character before they assassinate his. To the extent he can find someone to believe his high tales it will be very successful.<BR>- Arrogance.<BR>- Self-absorption.<BR>- He may have discovered that, by some miracle, he now has the upper hand in the relationship. He can do what ever he wants, and you are begging him to come home when he is done. How much better than that does it get?<P>If any of these apply in your case, you can't do anything about most of them. The last one is completely under your control. You can take control of your life back on your own terms. But you may need to give him the hard line and be willing to follow through. Remember, nice guys finish last. That works in divorce court just as much as anywhere else.<P>His face-saving escapades will be very draining emotionally (if he is doing that), but time will sort that out. The strong hand of time will separate the lies from the truth.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by nonplused (edited October 04, 1999).]