I sense him longing for the OW, playing music that reminds him of her, and lacking those feelings for me. She is very available to him if he chooses. He's home because of the kids and it's the right thing to do. I love him deeply. Because of that I find myself wondering why I hang on?? Maybe he needs to go experience life with her and, I think, figure out it isn't better. I find myself thinking that it seems so many people are looking for that knight in shining armor and the fairy princess. It's all a FAIRY TALE......or am I missing something and the joke is on me!!!!Please give me your feedback. Is this a normal stage to go through? I can't stand the thought of him leaving but it hurts so much to see him hurt at the loss of her. I can't believe I say those things sometimes!<P>------------------<BR>

jennifer jones -- To answer the title of this thread, NO you are not the obstacle to your husbands happiness.<P>It sounds like your H is going through withdrawl. There are many here you will be able to give you better information concerning this than I, but I wanted you to know that you are not being ignored.<P>God Bless

jennifer jones -- I just read your profile, and had to say that we live very close to each other. My W and I both work for LHS(Banner).<P>Anyway, just thought it unusal to find someone so close. Hang in there.<P>God Bless

I'd give my right arm to have my H come home for the kids. At least then they wouldn't be suffering so, and wondering why their father doesn't want to spend much time with them.<P>Leaving does not help. My H left 7 months ago, and has been living with her at least 4, and seems to have gotten used to it, and gotten used to seeing the kids only occasionally. The longer he is with her, the more distant he becomes. Apparently he thinks it is better - why would he want to come home to a noisy, somewhat chaotic household full of responsibilities, when he can be there with no responsibiities, air conditioning, and plenty of bathrooms? It is probably like a permanent vacation. And he can still play "grandparent" and have his kids come visit and have her take care of them. What is the downside for him, except that one daughter hasn't spoken to him in 7 months - he probably has no clue that the other kids are angry and/or terribly hurt - they are afraid to tell him for fear that he will stop loving them too.

Jennifer - it sounds like withdrawl from the ow to me. While it is horrible to live with it is actually a good sign. I don't know too much about your situation but it sounds like your husband made a decision to try to stay in the marriage and therefore also a decision he would have to give up the ow. In my case my H started divorce proceedings and I was shocked by the news. While he was planning to move out the day he told me I think the intensity of my reaction and especially that of our child was so much he said he'd stay another day. Then he agreed to go to my therapist with me only to explain why he was leaving. Then he didn't leave but was morose, depressed etc. It was like living with a dead person. We were at this time trying to have him articulate in therapy what he wanted that he wasn't getting in the marriage. There was a lot of vague stuff like he didn't feel loved; didn't think I cared and a list of qualities he wished I had (Later, when I learned of the affair the list was like a description of the ow.) Two months after initiating divorce he told me about the affair which had just ended. So in retrospect I really believe it was withdrawl and push/pull during those two months where the affair was escallating and then ending. My only advice is to be patient and kind but not too needy because H is in his own grieving process. My therapist told me to look at this time as my H being on vacation. I am hopeful for your marriage - it is a good thing that your H wants to "do the right thing" even if there are a lot of issues in the marriage to work on. I really hope you are both in counseling. As painful as it is to be betrayed I am hopeful that you will end up with a better marriage.<BR> oh, one more thing - you said you sense him longing for the ow. I also sensed that with my H. I think you just have to ignore it. I tried checking out my theory with H and his response was "I have feelings too". My H's withdrawl lasted about two, maybe three months. Its something we've never really talked about and I was fine with him dealing with it in his own therapy.<BR>It probably feels like time is standing still right now but I think once your H gets through this phase things will look brighter for you even though they will stil be difficult. Please keep us posted and take care.

Hi Jennifer,<BR> Exactly what everyone else says...he is going through withdrawl....do you know for sure if the affair is definitely ended? These things can go on for awhile even when they say they are over (been there). Anyway withdrawl is the WORST I think...I like what Simone said "to think your H is on vacation".Keep posting, alot of us are in the same boat.....Lu

JJ,<P>Hi, I don't really have a lot of time to post but, I have been where you are nearly exactly. If you go back and read many of my posts you'll see.<P>It does get better and after 7 months my husband is still longing somewhat for OW. He works with her and she is in his view everyday most weeks six days a week. He is having a bad weekend this weekend. But, still it is better, much better in fact then many weekends in the past.<P>I too thought sometimes that I wished he'd just go to her and try that. I even asked him and a few times told him and other times screamed at him to go to her. He hasn't thank God.<P>It is best for him to be here at home with us. He stayed her for the very same reasons your husband did. (Read my profile) <P>Now he is here because he love me too. Oh he isn't in love with me. Or a little he is he says...it just isn't that exciting thing you get with new love.<P>I look at it this way. If he is here and not seeing her he isn't developing any more closeness to her. She is also unable to deposit any love units.<P>Also the hurt of the affair is so hard, so deep that if he'd gone and spent more time with her. Abandoned me for her I am not sure I could have survived that without more scars. I am not sure I could have move past any more hurt.<P>Trust the Lord that your husband is right where he should be. That any reason for him being home is good no matter what it is. Remember that someday he will be there for all the good reasons you want.<P>Be positive. Read all you can on this site. There is so much wonderful advise and support here.<P>Get the book Surviving An Affair. Use it as a second Bible of sorts. Get closer to God. He uses these times to bring us closer to him. <P>Read TNT's positive confession. It is powerful.<P>Post here as often as you can. <P>My husband and I are better then we have been in years. Closer for sure. He is happier with me than he has been in years. We are getting there. If he'd been able or willing to totally separate himself from the OW then we would be even farther today. He is now realizing that fact too.<P>Your husband has been in a fantasy world. He is going through withdrawal. It is very painful for both of you. While he was in the affair he was temporarily insane. His sanity is coming back. The fact that he decided to come home or stay home for the child and it is the right thing to do is proof of that. <P>Hang on tight you are in for one heck of a roller coaster ride with no fun involved. Be optimistic though as you can and will get through this as many have here.<P>I'll be watching for your future posts. Will be praying too.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Jennifer:<BR>This sounds exactly what I am going through also. Somedays I really don't know what to do. He goes on so many highs and lows. He was fine when I left with the kids today to go hiking. Even came up to me and hugged and kissed me. When I came home tonite he was solemn and aloof. I never know what it's going to be like. Its always different but more down than ups right now. He is in the emotional state of the affair, not the physical anymore he has stopped that. I think it is just as bad though. She was calling here and I told him no more. I am walking where you walk and I really don't know what else to do now either except do my best. My H is still here but goes out twice a week with friends. He loves his children and his home. I am happy for that. I hope that we make it, sometimes it's so hard for me to go on. I have good days and bad and sometimes I think it would be easier for him just to get out and leave me alone, but I know that our marriage is worth something, we have invested 10 yrs in marriage and 4 yrs in dating and we have 2 kids. My heart goes out to you. Keep posting and keep praying that our H's will come back to us someday.<BR>