From Penalty Kill

I showed it to him before he left for work. He agreed. But whatevs.

No PX. You are completely missing my point. It is not what you actually would do, it is what he believes you would do. The question is for him.

Just as I was about to say why I thought your question would not really tell you anything of substance, though I did plan to re-read it before I posted, I see the question is for the BS. A whole different spin.

The answer, of course, gives you a level security the BS feels, the level of commitment the WS has shown & whether the BS trusts that, it may support the lingering question of the A never ending, gawd, there's a whole bunch of stuff here.

It is complicated. The question is quite simple. I asked it of myself. I was surprised at the answer. What it showed me is that I needed to change my screen name.

Why are you an [censored]?

I don't know. People have been asking me that all my life. I've yet to find an answer.

Hi Hiroo and Lost,

Good thing I can't afford a maid....LOL! ....no problemo...

Hi BigK...stph20....Nams....2much..and all the others!

((((((((((2much)))))))))

....Hi Todd..(in case you are lurking!)

It's quite cold up here....normal weather....busy with the boys this week...

... without a WS around to mess with ma mind...I am rediscovering my 'adventurous'self.....life is good!

OK Pio - my answer to your question is definitely "b" and I think my wife would do the slam the door in his face thing.

So am I to conclude your answer is also B? And that you have decided the war is over?

Actually what I realized is that I was fighting the wrong war. The one I had been so desperately fighting was over but nobody had told me.

And PK, I'm going to be bold and say this because your post a few hours ago before you edited it hit a nerve. You said why ask a question of a BS that only the WS can answer. I said you missed my point. My question is intended to allow a BS to measure where he thinks he stands in regard to recovery. But further than that, I contend that, in many instances, the BS is actually far more qualified to answer that question than the WS. My belief is that many WS's (not all) still have a little fantasy tucked away in the back of their mind that they would run off into the sunset. But it is fantasy. The BS is not deluded by that and looks at things far more pragmatically. That was not the point of my question but it is my belief and especially during that period of recovery where feelings of love are not yet restored.

That's funny Pio because I thought I told you that a long time ago.

From PK

H_O, here was your initial question:


Let's take the last part....about the BS not being happy about the encounter. My H has told me many times that having the OM appear before him would be the answer to his prayers. I am not paraphrasing here; I do believe he prayed for this to happen. He certainly took some steps in that direction. So he would be very happy about the encounter. Very, very happy. I, however, would not be, and he knows this.


I don't disagree with you, and I do understand what you are saying. Perception is everything. After an A, the BS is bound to look at the WS with a jaundiced eye. If the BS perceives the WS as being less than totally committed to recovery, if the BS perceives with a single fiber of his/her being that he/she was second choice to the OP, all bets are off, no matter what the WS does. The BS may always feel in second place to a fantasy.

The irony of this is that the WS in all probability fantasizing about going back to the way things were....not the OP. And the WS is left on guard....kind of like a Japanese soldier still fighting the war in the tunnels on Iwo Jima. The enemy isn't there, but he's fighting anyway.

The only point I was trying to make (and as I said, my H read what I wrote, agreed, and signed off on it), is that the OM appearing at our door would be my H's fantasy. Not mine.

That is the reality of our situation. It's probably true for others as well.

I think that distinctions need to be made between cake-eating A's that end on or before Dday, and A's where the WS needs to be wooed back into the marriage. The dynamics are very different. The cake-eater has no fantasies of leaving the M for someone else; that was never the point of the A. Often the OP was chosen *specifically* for his/her unsuitability as a partner.

And the answer is... the same I wrote right after, been really thinking about it, and even with all the doubts surrounding a BS mind, I do feel this is what would happen:


Now, let's say that OW comes and knocks on your door one day and WH answers.

Will he
a) Definetelly not

b) More likely but not exactly.

c) He would panic, tell her she better leave, and tell me about it, because he would be afraid I’d find out and to prove me he is not hidding anything.

Now, let's say that OW comes and knocks on his office door one day and WH answers.

a) He would eventually make a bit chit-chat talk pretending nothing ever happened between them, professional “updates”, and would tell me about it. If any OW would mail or text message he would tell me. If I require, he would reply a NC /mail/ text message.

If a new OW will appear in a near future I believe he’ll just walk away.

If a new OW will appear on a long future, well, it depends on our recovery.

Is he capable of being unfaithull again? I don’t know, he says he wont.
But I don’t care all that much if he does, I’ll be done then… eventually regreting this atempt of recovery, the wasted time. I do fear going thru all this pain again (doubt it would be as painful) but at the same time, if this is to happen, I’ll know for sure I am better off without him.

Now for those who don’t know my story, we’re talking about 2 years of betrayals, that started with a ONS’s, followed by EA’s, with at least 3 OW.

Now… Can I have my new sreename please?

LW,

Interesting post. I want to read it in more detail and get a better response when I have time later. I did want to comment on one thing.



This is exactly where I am at. Difference is I am completely happy in that knowledge. I know what I will do if gemela is ever unfaithful again. Do not pass go - do not collect $200. There will be no discussion. She knows that too. I think the turning point was about two weeks ago but everything is just now so crystal clear. The A is dead. It was a long time ago. The A is no longer the problem. Now I see that.

BTW, the screen name I was pondering is Shoichi_Yokoi who is a fellow soldier in arms and had pretty much the same problem as me.

Now I don't usuallt pass along emails but I got this last night and it intrigued me.

A married couple decided to spend their winter vacation on the beach in the Caribbean in the same hotel that they spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier. Unfortunately, due to work, the wife could not travel with the husband so he decided to go ahead and spend a few days there relaxing on his own.

When he arrived and went to the hotel room, he noticed that the room had a computer with free internet so he decided to write his wife an email. By chance, he accidentally got a letter wrong in the email address and the email went to someone else. By chance, his email went to a woman who had just lost her husband and was, in fact, just returning from the funeral. When the widow saw the email, she immediately fainted onto the floor. The widow’s son heard the noise and ran in to see what was wrong and he found his mother unconscious on the floor. He couldn’t help notice what was displayed on the computer screen. The email read:

My darling wife,

I have arrived okay. You are probably very surprised to receive news from me this way but now they have computers here so I can send messages to you. I have just gotten here but have looked to see that everything is ready for when you arrive this next Friday. I am looking so forward to seeing you and hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey as mine was.

p.s. don’t bother bringing clothes – you can’t imagine how hot it is here.

I like it and really wanting to change it for some time now... or wishing to came to a day I would no longer feel lostwillow right.

I found MB one week after d-day, I read the site, and just wanted to register and post, been looking for a place like these for a week non stop, I was really lost, and willow because I love trees.

Funny. For some reason, I always associate you with HK. Don't know why. Maybe it was the willow.

You know there is something to be said for waking up every day with the knowledge that this may be your last day married to your wife - and not caring. It is just so liberating somehow.

I'll still get back and comment on your post but I am about to leave to go into town and, among other things, go to the shop that has ALL the nuts and bolts. I can hardly contain my excitement and I certainly cannot concentrate.

Oh and nams,

Why did you call me an [censored]? I'm not disagreeing but I did think it was a bit rude and rather uncharacteristic of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Don't forget YS - adopting that screen name means that you have pledged to lay down your arms forever. There is no turning back.

Now really H_O, would I call you an [censored]?

I'm simply responding to your sig. line in which you refer to yourself as "the [censored] formerly know as..."

You didn't answer my question, BTW.

Ooooooohhhh.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I was reminded of the artist formerly known as Prince but decided I'm not really an artist and [censored] seemd far more fitting.

OK...but why?

Good gawd, you're right up there with politicians in the avoiding answering a direct question directly.