Hi,
This is the first time I've ever posted on a discussion like this but after reading this website for quite some time I decided to post - with the hopes of gaining insight and guidance from those who seem to have dealt with and are currently dealing with situations mirroring my own.

I am 32 yo and have been married to my husband for 5 years. We have been together for a total of 10 years, the first 5 of which we were dating / living together / etc. Our relationship started out in a fun and light manner and very quickly progressed into a serious, responsible relationship.

To give some more background, my H is an alcoholic and probably has been since before we even met. This all seemed OK with me when we first met, I was in a phase where going out and drinking was fun and exciting. As I understand most families of alcoholics do, I very quickly became an enabler and co-dependant. After 5 years of dating seriously, breaking up and getting back together, moving to another state (to escape his family, which is very disfunctional), buying pets and a home together, he finally proposed to me and we were married a bit after.

Since then, I found myself in a role that I am not sure that I ever wanted... a role that I felt required me to 100% support our lifestyle and marriage. My H went through numerous jobs, emotional ups & downs, depression, and serious alcoholism. He would stay up until 3-4 sometimes 5 in the morning drinking until there was nothing else to drink in the house and then come to bed, wake me up by insisting sex and then anger when I refused which led to him sleeping on the couch quite a bit. He would then wake up late, be in to work late (feeling bad), which would cause him to be unproductive and lose his job. I took on the financial support role and carried the household duties. In the mean time, I became more and more angry and finally started doing some things on my own which I felt I needed to get out of my role of co-dependant.

I should also mention that all throughout (until recently) our relationship, I have expressed myself 100%. I have begged and pleaded for him to stop drinking, to talk w/ me instead of his friends and mother, to pay attention to me, to give our marriage a chance, etc etc and of course, he went on with his own behavior.

Back to my changes. I realized that I wasn't happy in my job, so I changed jobs and ended up with my dream career. I started working out and walking and lost nearly 30 pounds. I stopped complaining to my husband and tried to be happy, no matter if it was or was not real. My H of course continued in the same manner he had always. As you can all probably imagine, after I made these changes, I met someone at work, my OM. When I read the Reasons why Affairs Initiate section, it's exactly how I feel. My OM is married also, in a troubled marriage.

At first, the A was an EA. This lasted about 3 months. Usual things - talking on the phone (when we could), eating lunches together, going for coffee or drinks after work, sending text messages and/or chatting online, taking breaks together. It was friendship at first, which I now understand is the way it happens. After a few business trips, it because a PA. I felt wonderful, the best that I've felt in my life. All the while, my H at home drinking himself into death.

My PA with the OM pushed me to confront my H and his alcoholism and emotional withdrawl, so I made him an altimatum - fix his alcohol problem or I was leaving him. He was completely shocked and for about 2 weeks we went back and forth arguing about it. He decided to go to detox but didnt communicate anything about it with me. Even though I asked and offered help, he wasn't able to talk with me about it. All of this pushing me closer to the OM.

I took a trip back to my family and spent a week with them to "clear my mind" and my H called me (drunk) non stop. I returned to the same problems that were there before, which made me even more angry so I gave him a deadline. He became more and more depressed, which made him drink more and communicate less, and finally went to detox himself at a friends house (out of state) on a 5 day program. (Not my choice, but his - honestly I thought it to be the craziest idea I've ever heard but it was his choice and I realized that he needed to try and perhaps fail at his own choices first). I told myself that I wouldn't utilize the time that he was away from our home to be with the OM and would instead use it to be by myself to figure everything out.

This is day 5 of the program and my H returns home tomorrow. Up until yesterday, he insisted that "everything is fine, just watching movies" and didn't let me in. As usual, wouldn't communicate about anything of substance. Friday, I went for drinks with the OM after work (with about 10 other coworkers) and on our ride home we held hands, caressed and shared and told each other that we loved one other. He wants to be with me and love me and says that my husband will never love me the way that he does. I told him that I love him, I do want to be with him. We talked about getting together on Saturday (which we had never done), and spending some time togehter. Of course, we parted to go to our separate homes.

Saturday morning arrived and I felt drained, tired, and completely angry at my husband. He called, of course, all is just fine. Then, shortly after my H and I started chatting via the internet. We chatted for about an hour, and for the first time ever he started sharing things with me - his confusion, his sadness, his disappointments with himself and he's vowed to do whatever it takes for our marriage. He wants to continue in an alcohol recovery treatment program, wants to do marriage counseling and wants to try his hardest to make me happy. To my surprise, my response was - I need to be alone and by myself to figure this out. All his responses about how he feels and he never once asked how I feel. So, I mention that to him, and finally have the opportunity to share how I feel. He feels he can't do anything right and I feel that I have no idea what's right for me.

I read all this information, go back and forth and talk with the OM. I tell him, our relationship has to end and we can't get together today. He's surprised and frustrated, but tries to understand. He says that I need to make my decisions absent from him, that his feelings shouldn't matter that I shouldn't ask for my sake and that he will give me the time that i need. He's doing the right thing. I hang up with him and am completely and totally heart broken. I sit and cry for the rest of the day - about 6 hours and see him online (OM) and chat with him for about 5 minutes. I ask him how he is feeling and he says he is confused, one day we're in love and the next we're nothing. He feels like he can't be without me he needs me but he will do whatever I need him to do, he knows that he needs to do that. I feel the same, I want to be with him, it makes me happy and I feel a huge loss coming that I don't want.

My H returns tomorrow and I know that I owe him the opportunity to be a better man, the man that I asked for. He is trying and I haven't been lately. I still love him but haven't felt passion or romantic love for him in over a year but at the same time I want him to get better - for his sake, and his health.

I spent all day yesterday and today trying to decide what to do, where to go, how to take action, what is right, who is right for me and I realized that I just can't make this decision. People get hurt no matter what I decide to do. I think I love the OM more than I love my H and I don't want to risk losing him either. He's hurting too...

My H, I think, knows in his heart about the A but we havn't discussed it. I would completely deny it if he asked.

Please help me if you can... it seems like my feelings are common and typical although I truly feel like i've met someone very special...

LostandConfused

The first thing that has to happen here is your husband must told the truth when he comes home. You owe him that. I would print this post out and just hand it to him. He may not choose to stay with you, which would mean the end of your limbo. Either way, nothing can ever be resolved here if you continue to lie to him about his life. Tell him the truth, Overwhelmed, that is the first step.

No, you haven't; feelings are not truth. You have met a guy who has no respect for marriage or married women. He is just along for the free piece of [censored]. There is nothing "special" about a guy who gets it on with a married woman while her husband is in the hospital fighting his alcoholism. We have a name for guys like that in Texas: POLECAT!

Hello and welcome! It shows something wonderful about you that you are here!

First things first, you seem to be confused about what your choices are. So lets clear that up first.

This is not a choice between your H and the OM.

It's a choice between truth and deception (your own deception by the way).

Between solving problems with integrity and solving them through escape

THAT is your choice.

Thank you for your responses. I am going to tell my husband today the truth and suffer the consequences. He does deserve to know. I have chosen truth with every other piece of my life and suppose this should be the same.

If the OM has taken advantage of the situation, I can say the same of myself - he's Married as well... perhaps that makes both of us the same, doesnt it?

Do things like this ever work out with the OM?

Do things like this ever work out with the OM?

The statistics regarding second marriages are worse than those for first marriages. I would imagine the statistics for the marriage resulting from an affair are even worse.

How on earth would either of you be able to totally trust the other? Both of you are cheating on your spouses. If things got bad between the two of you, wouldn't you be constantly looking over your shoulder?

You need to tell your husband the total truth about the situation. If your first post is a good synopsis of what happened, follow the advice above and print it out and show it to him.

Don't hide anything from him. You can't rebuild a broken marriage on a lie. That's just asking for enormous amounts of pain and trouble down the line. Come totally clean and go from there.

And................. absolutely no contact with the OM while you are still w/your husband and trying to figure out what to do. AS a matter of fact, I would suggest that you end it with the OM, period. AFter all, he's a married man and needs to work on his own marriage.

At this moment, the worst thing that I think I can do is remove all contact with the OM... I can't imagine it.. I know he's a married man but it's the way I feel.

What about his wife? Do you think she deserves to have you undermining her marriage and destroying her life like this? You're helping her dishonest husband to betray her. What about their children? Can you go through life knowing that you have caused all this pain to someone else? They are innocents in this. Your boyfriend chose to betray his family and make his own weaknesses more important than his vow to his wife and his responsibility to his children.

Whether or not you can save your marriage remains to be seen. You obviously can't do it when you're in this fantasy affair with someone else. If you put the best effort you can into fixing your marriage and it just can't be fixed, then you can walk away with your head held high. But if it comes to that, go off on your OWN and heal yourself and don't make your selfish obsesssion with someone else's husband and father ruin other peoples' lives. You sound like a decent person caught up in an unfortuante situation. Do the right thing. Stop all contact with OM and tell his wife, so she has a chance at saving her family for her kids. Make the hard and decent choices, so that you can forgive yourself for your bad judgement and go through the rest of your life with intregity. And look into changing jobs. You owe it to yourself and your own husband, but mostly, you owe it to a whole lot of other people, which raises the level of responsibility to all new levels.

You have a chance to redeem yourself and fix your life. Take that chance instead of leaving a swath of destruction in your wake.

Love and honesty cannot be mutually exclusive.

A is not built on honesty. A is not love.

OM numbs the wounds created by your M, like alcohol numbs your husbands wounds. It is not about OM somehow being the right person for you. OM is an emotional drug, an escape from the REALITY of your life. OM is YOUR drink.

Instead of facing your Unhappy M or leaving and accepting the consequences, you have chosen to ESCAPE to the A drink.

It is going to be difficult, but nothing worth while is easy. You must face your M. Face the problem by dealing instead of escaping.

If you want to move forward to a healthy place, you have no choice but to cut off all contact with OM...not another DROP!

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER WAY.



OM is NOT yours to choose. His is another man's wife. SHE deserves you to STOP every contact. Every contact you have with OM is a trespass on HER most intimate life.

I recall sometime after my A, I had this painful awakening.
It suddenly hit me....WHO in the HE11 did I think I WAS! WHAT made ME so entitled to determine what happened in another woman's most intimate relationship! How dare I think my personal happiness was more important than anyone elses!

This is so hard. Thank you for your words and advise.

Over,

Have you been to Al-Anon? I ask because the recipe for an affair is entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

Oddly enough, you will find this ingredients in any addiction.

Consider that you reach for resentment as solace, false power, much the way your BH reaches for alcohol.

You can only control yourself--no other being on the planet. You create your own resentment, which fuels your entitlement...and I am speaking of one who was in your shoes. I remember.

LA

I went to an Al-Anon meeting a couple of weeks ago and felt like i wasn't one of those women or didn't WANT to end up that way. I didnt find any comfort, I just felt fear and more resentment.

You are right about the resentment part.

I'm usually not guided by my emotions but this is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I know it's wrong, morally and on many other levels. I know I have no right to be with another woman's husband .. I can't figure out why I feel so strongly and why it's so hard?!

Your affair has made an already miserable and difficult situation much, much harder to handle. The longer you continue on this road, the bigger mess you'll make of your life, dragging a lot of other people down with you. Yeah, it's going to be hard. I feel for you. But in trying to find a way to deal with your drunk husband and your unhappy marriage, you've made it all 100 times worse. You really have to stop the train wreck now and start cleaning up the mess that's already happened. Although you feel like a victim and that it justifies your affair, force yourself to take a long, good look in the mirror and see yourself as someone who's trashing another woman's life. My guess is that you won't like what you see.

Once you do start doing the right thing, you can start feeling better about yourself. I hope your husband understands why you screwed up like this, because you both have made huge mistakes.

There's a lot of people here at MB who can help you through this. Let them help you find your way and give you support. If you find the guts to write a no contact letter to the OM and tell his wife, then you can start getting over him and moving your life in the right direction. To get you to see how important this is, go read the threads of some betrayed wives on this site and open up your heart to the h*ll their husbands and the OW have put them through. And once you come clean with the wife, every time you feel like slipping up and contacting the OM again, go read those threads again and see how peoples' lives are affected by adultery. And also see how the OM tell their affair partners a pack of lives and demonize their wives to justify their actions. If your OM's marriage is so awful, then he should've sought help or divorced her before he started sleeping with someone else. It shows you that he has very little moral decency himself. If he does have some goodness in him, help him to find it again by bringing this all to head. Lots of marriages survive affairs and his might. Give his wife that chance. It's the least you can do after what you've done to her.

What are you guided by, Over?

You went to one meeting...and you judged others. Judgment is how you create resentment...it is the tool we used to justify and lie to ourselves...

You weren't like one of those other women...they were being true to their marriages, owning what is theirs, not creating new resentment because that is their drug of choice. They were there to learn how to live in freedom, responsibility and love. You weren't. You were there for what reason?

Al-Anon isn't for comfort--can be comforting to know you aren't alone. That you aren't in a unique situation or defective. I remember part of the allure of an affair is feeling unique, special...which does allay fear and resentment.

Affairs are common...you are not special. You are experiencing what all WS's experience. You are saying the same words, having the same thoughts, and believing the same things. That's why they call it a fog...easy to spot, surrounds you; only you can't see it because you're in it.

Think of why you feel this so strongly...as strong as your resentment, so is your fantasy. To realize you are betraying yourself, as well as your H, OM's wife...then you'll understand that to face what you have done is as much as a motivation to remain lost as it is to continue the fantasy.

Your H didn't teach you about resentment...you had that before. You reached for it from an early age...maybe you can go back and see the early payoff...and how you look to others to comfort you. To do for you what you won't do for yourself.

You're fixing yourself with a drug...humans can't be fixed externally...in fact, knowing there is nothing wrong with you is how you fix yourself. Do you know you are whole? Complete? Marvelously made? Without a word spoken or an action taken...you are. That's God's design.

We are all separate and equal...you are equal to everyone on the planet--so is your H.

You have all answers within you, if you're willing to ask yourself questions. Love doesn't fill us up from the outside...though you may spend your life believing it can, replacing man after man, feeling the void, and the self-hatred which is a low-level murmur so constant you no longer hear it.

Your choice. Your true power is in choice. What you do to others, you do to yourself. We spread destruction as we self-destruct. That's what you're doing. That's what you are consciously choosing to do.

LA

I hear what you're saying and I understand it... thank you.

You're worth it, Over.

LA

I have to come up with an acronym for your name. My last post looks like a CB call to me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Life in general is hard.

We make it harder.

You know that what you're doing isn't right. You simply justify it by what has happened in your life. I do it. We all do it.

Your marriage was a mess and you felt that your husband didn't care. Somebody else was around and showed interest in your life. Started as a friendship but progressed from there.

Do you know that Billy Graham (minister) will not talk to a woman alone in his office. His wife or someone else is always present. Why? Because he knows how easy it is to get caught up in the problems of others and how easy it is for an affair to start.

The folks that are here posting to you have "been there/done that". We've all been betrayed spouses or wayward spouses.

I know how hard it is to not pick up the phone and initiate contact w/my WH and he has done some incredibly nasty things to me. I know how hard it was not to pick up the phone and call him when we were dating. I couldn't wait for the next time that I saw him or talked to him. I imagine it's the same for you w/the OM.

The problems here are many:
1) You can't clearly figure out if you want your marriage as long as you're involved w/OM who says and does all the right things.
2) You only have positives w/the OM; no negatives like you do with your husband.
3) Neither one of you are available.
4) Can you imagine how his wife feels? Does she know? Or, is she in some fantasy land thinking that her marriage is strong and secure while he's out having sex w/you?

..... and the list goes on.

No one here can force you to do anything. Everybody here wants to help you b/c so many lives are at stake here.

If you will stay away from the OM then and only then can you see clearly which direction to take. You know the right thing to do and the easy thing to do.

The choice of which path to take is yours. But remember, it isn't just your life. It's yours and at least 3 other people (don't know if you or the OM have kids which would put the number higher - this doesn't even count all the extended family members - parents/grandparents, etc.).

Remember too what goes around comes around. My husband cheated on me during the first year of our marriage. Things were rocky; blended family. He was 32 and had an A w/a 22 year old. He was trying to end it when I found out. She called our house one night after I knew. We talked and I told her that I hoped she never experienced the pain that she and my H had inflcted on me.

She called my H last year; 7 years later. She told him that she had gotten married and that her H had cheated on her and that she finally understood exactly what she had done.

Think about it. You know what to do. The right thing may not always be the easy thing but it's always the path to choose.

The chances of the relationship w/the OM working out (which would require both of you divorcing) are so slim and then what do you have? You're married to someone who didn't value the commitment he made.

Big 10-4, LA. I roger the nickname.
Any suggestions? Come back.

Over.

P.S. I hope we haven't scared you away, Over.
Over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />