OW,
Welcome to MB. What everyone has said here is incredibly valuable. And right on the mark.
I don't have a lot of time right now, but reading your story REALLY struck a chord with me. With the exception of my exH drinking himself to death, your story could have been mine. To the "T" - age, length of courtship, length of M, alcohol addiction and abuse, EA then PA with OM, desire to do the 'right thing'...
One thing we all find out here at MB is that no matter how 'unique' we think our own situation is, someone else has 'been there done that.' It's actually a good thing - takes away from the 'specialness' we feel, and it starts the process of realizing that this is the same story played over and over. Many have recovered, and so can you.
Couple of things I want to say, and then I'll try to come back tonight (if I can) to say more.....
IF you want to do the right thing....(and I truly believe you do), then:
1.
Tell your H. This will be the most frightening thing you will have ever had to do. It was for me (you can click on my name, and look at my posts....I got to MB at exactly the point where you are). I was sooooo afraid. But I knew I had to do it. Nothing was going to change, unless I changed it.
So I picked a date, and practiced saying 4 words:
"I had an AFFAIR" Who'dve thought that 4 words could be so difficult to say? But I knew that once those 4 words were said, then things would move by themselves.
I knew no matter whether the consequences were good or bad, I couldn't keep such a horrible secret any longer. And the only way I could give back any respect to my H was to let him know of what I did. He needed to see me - ALL of me (warts and all), and decide if he could love me for who I was.
2.
Stop all contact with OM. This one was difficult. But anything and everything that you will ever read will tell you that in order to heal (your M OR yourself), you must never talk to OM again.
Now, completing step #1 will help you with step #2. (There's no way in HE-double-hockey-sticks that your H is going to
allow this man to still be part of your life)
The other part of step #2 is making a
conscious decision to not contact OM or respond to contact. This decision will go against every feeling you will have. And it will take a while for your feelings to catch up with your actions. But it does happen, and it is a MUST for any kind of recovery.
You see,
your affair is a coping mechanism. Much like an addiction. And truthfully one of the things that helped me through the initial stages of understanding was to see my OM as a drug.
You and I are very much alike. We chose men with alcohol problems, during a time that was recreational for us. We should have seen the 'red flags', but perhaps because of our FOO, we either missed them, denied them, rationalized them, or were simply too codependent to acknowledge them.
So under the 'guise' of wanting to help them....and thinking they can change - they can be so much more....we became enablers. We gave and gave and gave, and never received....consequently, when opportunity presented itself, our TAKER went in full control.
Think about the 'feeling' part of your A. Your OM makes you 'feel' good. Being with him makes you 'feel' good. When you are without him, you 'feel' you need him. The thought of giving him up 'feels' impossible.
Do you ever wonder what a heroin addict 'feels' like? My guess is that it would be quite similar.
You had an A in order to 'cope' with your own problems much like an addict turns to drugs to 'cope' with their problems. It's an escape. It's a temporary fix. We know full well that the current arrangements could not last forever. Just like an addict needs more and more to get the same 'feeling', we feel like we need more and more of the OM to satisfy our 'feelings'.
For just one moment, play things out. Say you leave your H and your OM leaves his W. You are both 'addicted' to each other. It 'feels' good - but underneath it is toxic. What happens when you realize that all of your (and his) original problems are not 'fixed' by this new arrangement. Then what? You are left with the same 'feeling' of emptiness you had in your first M.
You would slowly be killing yourself. So how do you
beat the addiction?
One day at a time. You make a conscious decision NOT TO FEED the addiction. You give it up cold turkey. And you realize that it's going to be HARD. But with each second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year you are successful, the 'need' for that drug will lessen. And soon, you won't feel like you 'need' it at all.
BUT if you give in....even just once....(noone can have just a little heroin again and be a recovered addict), you will put yourself back at step one.
So try step #1, and then move on to step #2.
And once you've done that, then you can begin healing. And trust me from someone who was in your EXACT place in June 3 years ago....Being healthy feels A LOT better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
You can do it....good luck!
