This is the first time I've posted here, although the messages have been extremely helpful in getting me to where I am with a sound mind.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years, and we've had a full share of problems, not the least of which was a difficult time communicating or doing anything that focused on our relationship. We had a little one right away, and that pretty much took all our focus. As always, it's complicated.

On June 2, I confronted WW about my suspicions and surprisingly she admitted it. It was who I thought it was, a co-worker, and they had built a very strong relationship over several months--it wasn't just a fling.

OM is married with two, and supposedly was never going to leave his family. WW told me that the affair would end.

Of course it didn't, and I began snooping. Saw a few eye opening emails that broke the complete story for me, and it was then I truly realized that the marriage was doomed.

I still wasn't ready to give up though. For the last few weeks I've been playing super husband, trying to show her (and myself) what things could be like if we worked this out. TO no avail though. It just made her more guilty. The other thing that was weighing on me was whether I should tell OMW. Eventually it became pretty clear that I should.

Over the last week, I have concluded that a divorce is not only immenent, but desirable, certainly over the limbo we were in. She was pushing for time before she made a decision, but I just couldn't wait any longer.

This morning I called OMW while WS and OM were out together. I was really nervous: this was something that was a bit of a gamble for me as I had no idea how she would take it. Ultimately, she was extremely grateful. I wish them the best. I actually really do.


After that, I told WS that we needed to end it. She was pissed because I was making decisions for her. Then I told her that OMW knew, and she got REALLY mad. I mean, she looked like she was going to vomit. I know why, and was expecting it. Thanks to some people on this board, I was also expecting her to make me the bad guy, manipulate me into feeling guilty and that I'd made the wrong decision ("I was just thinking how great things have been between us, but now..." "At least now you're as big a cheat and liar as me.". Knowing it was coming made a huge difference. Thanks.

Don't really know what's going to happen next. She's out driving around, and I'm sure she'll be gone most of the day. I'm going to spend it being with my little one.

So lots of hard work ahead. I know I'll make it through though.

Thanks again to everyone on the board for sharing their experiences. You never know who it's going to help.

This would be a great time to read all about exposure, and expose a bit further, to her parents, your parents, her siblings and any and all others that you believe can and will be an ally in helping her "back to the marriage"... sort of a scorched earth tactic, but it's best to get it all over at once....that will make the biggest impact on bringing the A to an end. If this is a workplace affair, call her boss and expose to him first thing tomorrow.

If you haven't read Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Harley, founder of this site, you should do it immediately.

Find strength in the courage it took to expose to OM's W, and find the courage to "finish" the job.

Best wishes,
SD

I'm debating more exposure, but, frankly, I don't have the energy to consider it right now. This has been an emotionally draining day, and I'm sure I can expect more to come for a long time.

I'm sad. I don't feel very good about the exposure to OMW, but that said, I feel confident it was the right thing to do. It was more out of a feeling that she deserves to know and have a chance to save her own marriage instead of being left in the dark, than it was to end the A. That may or may not happen, although I hope it does. She's the mother of my child and she hasn't seemed capable of giving anything other than OM and the A her attention. If the A doesn't end it will be worse for my child.

I'm focusing all my love on my child right now, as I'm the only one able to do so. WW is in mourning. Won't get out of bed, won't talk to me (not that I really want to) and just clearly scared.

I know why, I get it. I just want to be past all this as soon as possible. Unfortunately this isn't something you can rush through. A kid makes everything different.

About the book, I ordered two copies on Friday. Why two? Not entirely sure. I think maybe I thought that I would give one to WW, but that seems absurd at the moment. We'll see...

As for now, waiting for the book. Anxiously.

Thanks for the advice. I'll post more of my thoughts about the exposure aftermath as they develop. Right now I'm exhausted. I just want to hang out with my kid.

Read all you can about Plan A and begin doing all the things recommended. This will be what you need to do, until the A ends, and you transition over into recovery.

Purchase a book called "After an Affair" and read it with your W. Keep Surviving an Affair "your" little secret right now.

After an Affair describes succinctly and accurately what both parties go through as a result of an affair, and will be more insightful for your W. You need to have "Surviving" as your "play book" in getting your W to return to the marriage.

This place is a little slow on weekends, so look for more help on weekdays.

Best wishes,
SD

Wow. That was fast. Exposure to OMW yesterday. Less than 24 hours later, I get an email from WW at work that OM is going to work on his marriage, is seeking another job and that he wants NC.

WW also thanked me (THANKED ME!) for ending the A, and admitted that The Call was the right thing to do. She said that now that the A is gone, she can actually look at our marriage clearly for the first time in a long time.

She wants to have another talk tonight and hold off on the divorce thing for awhile. Exposure was my last desperate measure, but now I see that it should have been my first.

Thank god for this website and all the advice and other experiences others have shared. I don't know what's going to happen, but this is progress.

This is great news. Just be careful that your wife is not now simply seeing you as the doorpize because the OM dumped her because of the exposure. It seems awfully quick for your wife to turnaround like this. She may be seeing that her standard of living stands to be reduced and she no longer has the OM to take care of her. I hope you both have been checked for STD's and you will start marriage counseling quickly. Again her behavior seems to have changed extremely quick. I would be very suspicious. If the OM would not have chosen to be with his wife, would your wife have had no problem leaving you? Please consider all of the variables involved. I wish you luck.

Hey, TypoTex...It's good to hear that the exposure made an impact. However, remember that A's are like addictions, and your wife will be going into Withdrawal, with a capital W, from the OM. This will be painful for her. Like quitting smoking, or alcohol or crack, cold turkey. Her moods will swing and she'll be in a constant state of flux, plus there will be a strong draw for her to contact the OM.

Be vigilant, without getting caught. Watch her closely and make sure you can account for her time and actions. Withdrawal can take from 6 weeks up to as long as the A lasted, and it is typically much longer than YOU would like for it to be.

Study Plan A, and fill her love bank in every way you can. Read about EN's, Emotional Needs, and make every attempt to fill her EN's. Don't allow her to draw you into combat, because that's one way a Wayward justifies their Affairs...acting hinkey, getting pissy, and making YOU lose your temper, and then you fit the mold of the "bad husband" she "re-wrote" you to be in the marriage, in order to justify the affair.

Do a serious self-evaluation...what things has she asked of you in the past few years you didn't validate. Household chores? Help with kids? Fix and repairs around the house? Conversation? Sex? Hanging out with the guys? What has she mentioned that you've sort of "blown off" the past year or so, that you could correct, and make yourself a better hubby in her eyes. That's part of Plan A.

Read EVERYTHING you can about Plan A and go into a full court press with it. She'll not appreciate one single thing while she's in withdrawal, but think of it as a cumulative plan. The $200 you put in your 401k means nothing to your retirement, until you put in $200 week after week after week, hence cumulative.

You may want to consider re-posting over on General Questions II, as it is a much busier board. You SHOULD also consider doing phone counseling with the Harleys, and they are experts at getting through to waywards, and helping you help yourself in this troubling journey.

Best of luck my friend...
SD

Thanks for the advice all. I ordered "After the Affair" and I'm still waiting SAA (anxiously). WW is out of town for a few days working and spending time with college friends. It's not the best timing, but considering her work situation, it's great: NC with OM, who's supposed to be seeking a new job.

I'm trying to be casual about checking up on her. Phone records (esp text messages) no problem. Email a little more problematic, but there won't be one without the other. Mostly she's just not very good at hiding anything.

As for the Withdrawal, it's happening already. Angry and sad by turns, contradicting herself, can't eat, can't sleep, etc. It's hard to witness. I wish I could make it all go away, but I realize that's impossible. Only time. We decided not to do much of anything as far as her moving out or us divorcing. She doesn't know what she wants or how she feels. That's fine with me for now.

As for Plan A/Plan B, it's funny I sort of did that naturally right after I found out. I decided to be the best husband the world has ever seen, I did all the chores, paid all the bills, did everything with our child. It was having an impact of sorts, she definitely noticed. I even did a mini Plan B pushing divorce options to the table. The only thing that was missing was the exposure. Without that, Plan A/Plan B won't be effective.

So I'm back to Plan A. It's nice to know already that I can do it (and it's not even that hard) and that it will be noticed.

Mainly I need the damn book! I need the scoop on ENs and LBs. I get the gist, but I imagine there is a level of complexity to them that I'm not aware of yet.

So I'm waiting... I'll probably repost over in General and start looking at Plan A/Plan B, too. Technically, I've moved past this board. Small victory, I know, but many small victories can get you a long way toward winning the war.

Thanks again for the advice. And for anyone reading this in the same situation: I can't recommend EXPOSURE enough. Do it, and do it right away! Who knows, your Wayward might thank you for it tomorrow.

See you on the other boards,
Typo

Never saw a post from you over on GQII...wondered how you are doing???

Lean on these forums for support...overcoming infidelity is a horribly difficult task.

Boards will be ever so slow over the weekend, and probably through the 4th of July, but if you have questions or need advice, please post.

Best wishes,
SD

I forgot to update this thread. I did move over to GQII.
This is it.