Since he is an on-line kinda guy can he come here to discuss this all with us. There are many regular "Former Wayward Spouses" (FWS) that post here including my wife. His/your situation is NOT at all unique. It's nearly the exact same situation all over these boards. He is addicted to her but just can't seem to give you up. Your husband is completely lost right now and incapable of making any commitment either way (we call that riding the fence or cake eating).
Marriage Builder's can help YOU and him if he'll allow us. He needs to severe ALL contact with the OW. "NO CONTACT" is one of the basic tenets of Dr. Harley's philosophy herein. Easier said then done....cause HE needs to do it. You can't make him make the right decision here, he must see it for himself and be willing to endure 3 or 4 weeks of intense withdrawal. He can't realize this today but his "feelings" for the OW are not real. He's been unhappy and escaped into this fantasy relationship with her. I don't expect him to understand yet...however, NO CONTACT is the only way for him to save himself and his family from intense pain and anguish. If you can just get him to come here to discuss this situation we can knock some sense into him.
On the other hand, if you wish to utilize this place in private without his knowledge so be it. There are ways to get around it though...for example, sign up as a new poster with him...he'll never know this other name you have and together you two can post under his name openly and you post secretly under this name. There are also private forums which may become available to you if things between you two break down within the forum.
Finally, you seem pretty self-depricating. Your wayward husband may be spewing a lot of rationalizations and justifications at you for your past wife behavior. It's all right to own 50% of the problems of your marriage pre-affair...but HE must own 100% of the immoral, corrupt, spiteful choice to have an affair. It's called blame shifting or gaslighting...making YOU reponsible for his bad choices. It's not acceptable and wrong...don't take his words to heart. His affair addiction is much more about HIM and HIS problems than you.
Have you read the thread "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" by Longhorn which is pinned to the top of this "Just Found Out" board?????????
Mr. Wondering
