Hi everyone:

Hope all is well with you. STBXH is supposed to sign papers on Wed to purchase our family home. Our divorce is not settled yet so we are doing a side agreement on the house to get it done. I guess I will have to be out in the near future - not sure when working on that.

The Twist - was looking at homes in another area and the OW house is on the market and has been since a month ago. Not sure if this means she will be moving into my home - wow that hurts more than you know. Other people are telling me it means nothing at all since they have not really spent a great deal of time together much less dealing with the fact that she has two children - 1 and 9. I guess time will tell, but I cannot tell you the hurt I am experiencing part of me says why do I care. I guess...I do not know.

Thanks.

Why do you care?
Possibly because of the thought that he might be forming a "family" with her, but walked away from your family.
It's just a thought I had then.

Possibly because my H will be moving into our home and possibly moving her in with her two children to play family.

Because he could care a less about his own except for the phone call every night and seeing them on occassion.

I guess it hurts that he cares more for two children that are not his than his own.

I guess it hurts because I see my children hurting on a daily basis and I am the one to deal with it.

I care because this was supposed to be the home that I saw my children grow up in and finish school in, go to college and he wrecked all of it.

I guess I hurt because I am the one who is picking up all the pieces and I have to deal with all the mess he has left behind and all I get from him is nothing - not that I expect anything at all.

Maybe I shouldn't but it is hard to just wash away 15 years .

It's good to get these thoughts out.

Your thought above says it all. We all had expectations in our marriages. Watching our children graduate, and get married together.
Our X's just weren't aligned to our expectations. So now we have to deal with the repercussions. In my case, it's watching him play father to impress the GF. Would he bother with the girls if she wasn't around? I have a hard time letting go of my expectation that he will be a good father to them. I hear the words from his mouth, but the actions never follow. Letting go will help me, not him. That's on my todo list.

Thanks. I too am watching him play father to two children that are not his. While his own two are on the sidelines. I know he is doing it to impress her because with me he did nothing with the children. Except for the occassional movie, etc. But none of the daily stuff like helping with homework, baths, feeding them..etc.

I know in my head I am going to be far better off with out him, but part of my heart still hurts.

I feel (I know there are other reasons) that he is so impressed by her is because she works and I am a stay at home mom. He really (lately never did before) resents me for this because I am not contributing - financially - not that we need me to work -. He thinks that he has ade everything for us and I do nothing at all. She must be superwoman because she works, has a home, and takes care of her children.

The only thing that confuses me is his attachment to her. I mean according to his sister - in the past when we spoke - she would be nice to my H and then tell him to take a hike I mean she treated him poorly but he keeps going back and trying. I guess I am too nice.

I have always thought that once I get out of under him and I get a job and a place of my own he will become interested in my, but by then it will be too late. Actually it is too late already, but I just want him to feel a little of the pain I have felt and I feel like he was just able to move on.

I guess I need to look at the positive I have the children with me everyday and I love them with all my heart. He will always be their dad, but will not have the same relationship I will have - kind of hard on maybe a Saturday night a month. So I guess in the end he will be losing his whole family.....maybe she and her children will replace us....but maybe someday he will wake up and realize it is not the same and he gave up something.

I do not know. Somedays I think I am over the hurt and then this happens. I agree letting go is on my todo list also.

Sadly, they won't realize anything. They live in a different reality.

Many on MB have mourned the loss of the "family". I never had it to mourn, so for me, life is easier. I have one less child to care for, and real free time when he takes the girls.

I dug up some books from a few years ago. One is a workbook on forgiveness. This summer, I hope to get through it.

You will find your way. I hope you have a good support network. I have a group of divorced moms who get together and do things together. Friday night I cooked on the grill at my friend's house while the kids jumped on the trampoline. This is normal now. Everyone is relaxed and having fun. My children spend far more time with my friend's children than they do with their cousins on dad's side. This is our family of choice, not our family of origin. You will find your own grounding too.
Children are from heaven. I truly believe this.

Deannek, I know how you feel... my H is also buying me out of our home of over 20 years... it has been in his family for over 100 years.. fortunalty for me my name was put on the deed years ago... its not the pain of losing the house, its the pain of the 20+ years of memories. we did have good times in there raising our children (3), all family get togethers, holidays, and all the good times even though my sister in law lived next door (LOL) which were many before the OW came along... Now the house just reminds me of the pain of the last three+ years sitting on the deck crying, begging, being a door mat, I do hope for a couple of things 1. when he is in that big house all alone he'll look back at the huge mistake he made, and I hope it straps him finacally, like it has me. I look forward to moving on, shopping for a new home and then decorating it.. I'm looking forward to having friends over to my house... my youngest son (15) will stay with me, but the two older ones will stay at the house when home from college.he gets the dogs because they need room to run... I told him I was pretty much taking everything, so he asked for just 2 things the wood burning stove and the wide screen TV... thats it nothing else so everything else is mine... and I'm taking it all... so chin up we'll get through this...

deanne,

I'm sorry for what you're going through.This quote reminds me of one of the same things I went through.Somewhere down the line my ex disrespected me for putting my career "on hold" and being a SAHM and the OW was all of a sudden magically worthy and where his allegiance lied.Not surprisingly we had both agreed early on in our marrige that I would stay at home to take of the children( I have 3) so they wouldn't be in daycare all day and would have a parent always with them.Now his feelings had changed and just this past weekend,he said he could not come down to see the kids for his weekend since he had to be home to "have the cable installed" in his new apartment.What a joke.He still lies and lies but I get to be with my kids more and I make sure we have fun.His loss.

I'm nost sure why your stbx has the ability to own the home and not you being the mom and caretaker but I find it revolting he would move in the OW,if it does happen.It's no wonder you feel hurt.That is normal.

I am waiting for the time my ex starts to bring the tramp around my kids,if he dares.So far he has not since I told the tramp to stay the he** away from them or I would make her life miserable.So far it's worked.I don't think the OW wants anything to do with them anyway as it is a reminder of what she stole and the pain she caused.

Anyway,you are not alone.We all have to struggle with the sick actions of our ex's.

I must also add being a SAHM is the most importent job in the world, no one can argue with that... I was a SAHM for 11 years.... the best 11 years probably of our marriage, I loved being home with the kids and commend any mother or father able to do so in this day and age. your children will benefit greatly from it...and love you dearly for it...

The reason why he is getting the home is I do not want it. He kept telling me it was his and he was the one who paid for it - since I do not work and I decided I did not want to hear it anymore. So I am going to get my own where he cannot claim it was his.

I am also hoping that once he is in the home all alone he will realize what he gave up. He will have to deal with all the memories. The child's room that I decorated and is now empty. Just all the stuff left over. Now if she moves in then who knows her child will talk my child's room.

I agree a SAHM is one of the most important jobs. My STBX agreed in the beginning, but somehow after meeting her changed his mind. I honestly think she brainwashed in some manner into believeing that I was taking advantage of him and I take him for granted, etc. I think she was just jealous of what I had.

The ironic thing is if she ends up with him she will have to work. There is no way he can afford his past family without her working. Atleast she will not get to stay home.