This is EXACTLY right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Allow me to elaborate on the consequences -- beyond Love Bank stuff -- of not doing it this way. If the step parent disciplines the step kid, the child or the child's bio parent can take legal action and/or involve child protective services. Even if its just a retaliatory action against the step parent to involve the authorities, its not fun and adds a lot of stress to blending. In our country (Canada) it is legal to spank your bio kid. If you spank your step kid, you can face stiff consequences. Not that I'm suggesting that "discipline" should or shouldn't include spanking -- I'm not going there -- but we have learned through our counselling that disciplining a step child is very risky from more than one angle. We hadn't really considered it and were thankful to our cousellors for warning us as we enter the rebellious years with our three kids.


Mrs. W8ing

Yahoo Group -- Stepping Blended Families


Book -- The Five Love Languages of Children

Thanks to all for posting about their experiences.

One thing that concerns me is...
Ok, make that two things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

1) The ex's act as an outside influence on the household. I can use another MB poster as an example, although her case is not divorce, but "open adoption". Her family is vegetarian. When her kids visited the bio-parents, the bio-grandma was always telling them "it's cruel that they don't let you eat hamburgers". I think a key element in the success or failure of blending is the degree to which the outside parent attempts to "change the rules" in your household.

2) Now I forgot what the other concern was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Oh yes! It is related. If there are children in the family with different sets of parents - it is almost inevitable that they will find themselves living under different rules and expectations. The child who is under the more restrictive or demanding regimen will constantly whine to be relieved from the restrictions and requirements which exceed those imposed on others in the household. Unless both adults in the household stand firm on the standards for each particular child (which may differ amongst the children), standards will tend to fall to the lowest standard applied. This is the outside influence in action.

-AD

This is my theory of how it should be done. It is only a theory - and I see serious problems with it, as I noted above.

I think that in a blended household, there are two cases.

A) Some children in the household have other parents outside the household. I assume this is the most common case.

B) There is no interaction with outside bio-parents, who have legally yielded their parental rights so that the non-bio parent in the household is able to adopt the children, and has done so.

I think case B is rare, but should be treated more like a standard family with two co-equal parents. If the bio-parent does not want to share this equality, he/she should not agree to the adoption.

So, back to case A:

There are three issues
1) Basic safety issues.
2) Maintaining order in the household.
3) Guiding the development of the children.

I think that these issues would have to be clearly separated in the minds of all - and a strategy toward each class of situations agreed upon by ALL adults in the househould (often a probem when grandparents also live in the home).

1) Basic safety issues.
Every adult in the household - and the older children also - would have responsibility for dealing with basic safety issues - no matter what their relationship to the child. Of course, there are disagreements on this sort of thing. Grandma may say that potato chips will kill you and as a basic safety issue, she will confiscate and destroy any such thing she finds. In that case, whoever is Grandma's child will need to have a talk with Grandma - and remind her that this is not her business. Many many manipulative things are done in the name of "protection". "I was just saving him from ruining his health", she might say.

2) Maintaining order in the household.
It is reasonable to say that there should be "house rules", and that every adult in the home should have authority to enforce them - for the benefit of an orderly household for all. For example, if the rule is "no eating in the living room", then any parent in the home (and perhaps older children) should be able to enforce that rule.

3) Guiding the development of the children.
The parent in the home is the one person who has direct and natural resposibility and authority for guiding his/her children's development, possibly in coordination with another parent outside the home. He/She may delegate some of this responsibility to another while also giving that other person the authority to carry it out, but this should not be assumed.

........
Some examples :

Young Andy refuses to do his homework:
His parent should deal with this - as it is not an issue of safety or household order.

Lisa (4) starts drawing on the dining room wall:
His 10-year-old step-brother can stop him, take away the crayons and report the situation to an adult

15-year-old Doug is out in the garage grinding sulfer and charcoal: :Yikes:
Anybody and everybody can do whatever they need to do to make sure that any bomb-making activities are never attempted again.

Well, that's my theory. What do you guys think?


-AD

AD, I agree with you.

In our case, of blending families and my kids having equal time with another family, we have periodic "meetings" to establish similar house rules. Granted, some are different at our house than theirs, but the "biggies" are pretty much the same. They have also attended counselling with us a couple of times and are open to do so again whenever it would benefit the kids. I'll admit that we are lucky to have this kind of "friendly" working relationship with my XWH and his OWW.


Mrs. W8ing

Mrs 8Wings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> sorry, couldn't resist Mrs. W8ting,

I think you have an excellent (and probably rare) arrangement. I'm certain it didn't happen by accident, but only as the result of clear thinking and persistance.

I'm worrying about the following types of scenarios :

1) Suppose I marry a lady with children. And suppose she has been bringing them up well - and they are quite well behaved. Now, my almost-6-year-old daughter still thinks it's cute to crouch in the middle of the dining room table and meow, inviting me to "spray her with water" (which is how we used to keep the cat off the table). Now, it is quite concievable that this hypothetical lady would be outraged by this behaviour. (I'm not too happy about it myself, LOL).

2) I want my child to be a good scholar and expect her to do all her homework. Then, I marry someone who thinks school is no big deal - and, although her children are well behaved, they don't put much effort into their studies. DD might ask "but why do I have to read tomorrow's lesson before going to bed? Nobody does that, and you don't even make <other child's name> do that!"

3) I marry a woman who's ex-husband gives all kinds of expensive gifts to his children, so that 8-year-olds have cell phones, ipods, diamond ear-rings and also tatoos. Meanwhile, I think it's inappropriate for my child to have these things. She might say, but <other child's name> has a tatoo! I want one too!

etc.

For me, these seem like really hard problems.

-AD

That is kind of cute - unless she is sharing the table with your fine china. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Nellie2,

It is cute, but ... after the 20th time ... it's just that I wonder when she's going to stop doing that.

Anyway... these are the reasons I listen to my XW when she suggests "reconciliation". I have a lot of concerns about that too, of course.

-AD

AD,

These are very real problems, very common ones, and Hubby and I have dealt with similar ones.

The reponse to all of these is the same.

BEFORE YOU MARRY, invest in family counselling. Have a counsellor help you to agree on "house rules". Both of you will have to bend a bit, but you must be on the same page. Yes, this is more important than setting the wedding date and registering for china. Hopefully you've dated for quite some time and before you even consider engagement you know what the potential issues are. Radical Honesty and POJA definitely come into play before you walk down that aisle. If you cannot agree on house rules, you shouldn't marry.

As for what happens at Step-Parent's house, that's not for you to control; Step Parent has the right to parent the way he/she feels best.


Mrs. W8ing