I am so sad. I don't cry, but today the tears flow. I'm losing the person who means the most to me. I don't want to be here. I should be planning our trip to Hawaii. The last two years I read and posted EN forum. I did my best to bring those ideas home to W. It didn't work. She is not happy, won't participate in MB, and can't explain how I can fill her EN. 27 years, two wonderful children - we raised them up through college to adults. We made a great family and a great home. We were honest and faithful. There's a great future ahead with money and opportunity. It's just not enough. What ever it is, I can't give it to her and it breaks my heart.

I'm so sorry you are in pain. I also apologise for not being familiar with your situation. Could you tell the folks on this forum your story?

(((Gman2four)))

Alph.

Thanks for the hugs Alphin. That and at least half a night’s sleep and I’m feeling a little better today. My story the short version:
I’m too introverted and emotionless to make the needed connection with her. She’s too esoteric in philosophy to help me meet her EN. I want W and M very much. She only needs financial support.
The long story:
Me 48, her 49, married too young at 21, but learned life pretty quick and made good of it. In the first early years we had daughter and son. W insisted on staying home to raise the kids. Did I say that she was smarter than me those early years? I worked days and went to school at night, and when economy dipped, I even took work out of town. I may not have been around enough (one of her complaints), but I didn’t miss holidays, b-days, or school events, and managed to coach kids soccer teams and leader for son’s scouting years. In high school years W took part-time work, but never liked it or found satisfaction. All these years there were difficulties, a lot to do with my very weak social skills – poor at conversation, not outwardly emotional – but also many great memories. Daughter and Son have become great adults, so the home must not have been too ominous. In college years, W decided to start a career in holistic health practice, so I worked to pay tuition for 3. She enjoys her career, but it’s yet to turn into a full-time profession. My career took me to another county an hour plus from our home. I commuted many years shifting my schedule to early hours to get home in time – remember the soccer coaching. My career now involves managing people, which makes it important to be close by. W would absolutely not move to the new county. Here’s when M problems got serious. At first I refused to live apart. I offered to quit the career and take a job near home, but she would need to work full time. No and no. One of my partners opened an office away from home, and between he and W encouraging, I moved into house near the office for week days and weekends at the family home. This was a bad idea. I come home and W finds reasons to be away or busy. I suggest an activity or vacation and she takes vacation with sister or friend. I’m still not good at the emotional stuff, but I work at it and try to compensate with flowers etc and sincere listening. I found MB and tried a few times to get W interested. She chose the Dr Phil program so I went through the books. She would never finish it. “It’s too painful.” Being typical guy, I just want to fix something – have her tell me: say this, touch here, plan for this. Holistic training tells her that our energies are not aligned and we are too different. I don’t know what to do with that. So she is clear that the relationship is impossible. She is afraid to ask for D I suspect because she is not able to provide for her lifestyle. I am terribly frustrated because I believe that I own my relationship. Somehow I am not able to find the right EN to win her love. It makes me sad because I would do anything for her.

"Happy Independence Day", I said to my new best friend, and then I drove away from the family home to go back to my home alone. Alone and very sad. It comes over me in waves bubbling up from inside remembering that we will never be together again. I have an invite to the neighbor's pool party to watch fireworks from their back yard. I'm afraid to go because I'll have another episode and ruine an otherwise good time. W and I spent the long weekend kayaking in the Channel Islands - a trip I had planned some time ago. We had a good time exploring sea caves and looking for interesting sea life. The last time we were here was the best day of my life - daily adventures, sex on the beach, food and drink. This time was the wost days of my life. On the beach the circular conversations started again. We talked how the M wasn't working. She told me she had a clear vision that our spirits were not meant to be together in this world. I asked if it would be better if we were apart. And for the first time ever on this subject, she spoke directly. "Yes, I blieve it would." I've lived 48 years. I've been to the far corners of the planet. I've known the joy of my children's birth, and the sadness of my Mother's long suffering death. I have never experienced the pain of broken heart. We cried in each others arms. I hiked to a tall cliff to watch the sun set over the Pacific and contemplate throwing myself over. I knew I never would as I fully understand the selfishness of such an act and the destruction to family and friends left behind. The next two days we tried to enjoy the vacation in between talking over what such a decision means, and how we should go about this. Today I asked three times if she was really sure, and couldn't we try to make it work. My story seems so simple when reading about the strife, anger and betrayal in these columns. If these marriages can be saved, what is wrong with me? Thanks for reading, it helps me some to write about this.

Welcome and Happy 4th.
Yesterday was D-day for my husband and me. July 3, 1998, he told me the passion was gone, he wanted to move out and get his own apartment once our son was grown, live alone, that he never felt that I loved him, that he never wanted to make love again. He had by then been involved in an EA with a co-worker, a relationship that I had at first supported but gradually became afraid of its power for him.

Most of the time, there is someone else that the wayward wants to be with when they give you the "The Marriage Isn't Working" speech. A variation is "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

They are either fantasizing or actively engaged in an affair. Cheaters can be really good at covering their tracks.

Go and read up on Plan A and the Emotional Needs section. I'm not saying your wife is having an affair, but the stats on these boards are pretty high in its favor.

Sorry. I do understand your pain.

It sounds to me like she is in an affair too. I'm sure she thinks someone else's spirit is right for her.

I would jump over to General Questions, and also do some serious checking.

Yah, I know what this sounds like, but she is the exception to the rule. . . You can all stop laughing now. I read the other posts, put 2 and 2 together, and looked past my heart and starting digging around. I questioned her friends and talked to her sister. I handle all the money and see all the receipts. I scoured her computer and followed her emails and net travels. She once told me about getting hit on in Hawaii, and with her friend and I talking, we all had a laugh about my wife’s naiveté at the pickup scene. I’m quite convinced, with all blinders off, of her fidelity. In some ways this would be easier if I could easily put the blame on her.

Welcome. Sorry you’re here.

First of I disagree with those who say whenever the spouse gives you the “I don’t love you any more” or “the marriage isn’t working” speech there’s someone in the wings. Sometimes there is an OP, but not always.

Is your wife asking for a divorce per say? Or is she open to options? I’m thinking of Lee Raffel’s book about a controlled separation. It’s different from Plan B in some pivotal ways that may suit your situation better.
First the entire separation is negotiated up front with the help of a counselor. From the length of time, to dating each other or others, to finances and visitation. The negotiation is part of the counseling because it forces the couple to work as a team to deal with the issues, and it’s all on the table.

Second, there can be contact during the separation. You can date each other, call each other, etc, depending on what you’ve negotiated.

Third, the object is different. The objects of Plan B are to stop an affair and to protect the BS from the pain of living with a WS. The object of a Controlled Separation is to allow spouses to see if they really want to permanently separate. It’s often used when one spouse decides to leave no matter what.

You could couch it in new age type terms, like allowing the Truth of the situation to manifest itself to both of you.

You two might have your energies out of sync right now. It’s common when the kids are gone. And you may have very different energies, but that can work too. That’s why there is the Ying and the Yang. Together they form a whole. It could be you two just need to learn how to use your own energies to create a whole unit.

I remember a lesson from Acts, I think. Anyway, the Holy Ghost gives to each according to the good of all mankind. Some are healers, some thinkers, some are teachers, and other spiritual leaders. But, these gifts, energies or spirits are to be used together.

Also, if I were you, I’d try to use the written word to communicate to her. You are a good writer, and you can make sure you are really saying what you want to say when you write.

Thanks Greengables, these are good recommendations. W talks like she would want to live separated. "There are people who choose to stay married and not live married." If this goes like it's looking, we will do something of a controlled separation, at least for a time. W will need the benefits that I can provide while we're married. I don't want her to suffer, so I will do this at least to provide for her during a transition. I don't think it's the relationship that I want for the rest of my life though. I will get Raffel's book to look for a way to save our M. If there's yet another angle through controlled separation, I don't want to give up.

The thing I really like about the controlled separation idea is it is finite in length. You can choose how long. I think she recommends no more than 6 months. At the end, you have to make a decision.

Good luck.