I need help, I have been married for 4 1/2 years, He went on a golf weekend and got drunk; he doesn't normally drink and said his judgment was off. The OW that set up the golf outing, they talked a lot b/4 he even went to this outing, they had an affair the night that first night of the golf outing both got drunk. He said it was easy to call her and hook up after. He said he was in a bad place, he was stressed out and we were both working a lot and not taking time for eachother. she lives 2 hours away and within the 2 years they met about 20 times, text messaged & would basically get together for sex. I feel like I have been stabbed over and over and over. I can't stop thinking about how long this lasted - why even bother when it is 1/2 our marriage. He ended it so easily the day I found out - He said he was happy it was over, he was sick about it and of course doesn't know how it happened - the usual- How do I really know it is over? - I caught him b/c she left a message and I picked it up b/4 he did, He lied about everything for about 3 hours and tried to get her to lie with him but she wouldn't say anything one way or another so he confessed - He lied about how long it lasted till we went back on phone records. currently I check the phone records and I know where he is most of the time, We started counseling with steve and going to Church 3 times a week, It has been exactly 1 month he has given access to phone, offered to change no. and I check records every few days, He could easily have called her from other peoples phone I know that, He says he will do anything anything to make this right, He doesn't want a divorce, he obviously doesn't want anyone to find out and he will do anything to prevent it. He is the best husband now - it is like when we were dating, I just have this gut feeling people don't change and he will go back to his selfish life in time, I feel like he is acting like this b/c of fear and guilt - He is begging for one year and if he hasn't changed (being selfish) and I am not happy then he would leave. I think... there are no kids; I am 29, have a great job, great education, great family, great health, and I keep thinking I know I could find someone that really would love me and not betray me like this, I don't know if anyone can help me out there but I am praying for that. I just want the pain and the tears and the thoughts to stop. I can't do my job good, I don't want to do anything and nothing makes me want to live, I look forward to nothing and I try to get through day.
M 4 1/2 years
BS 29
WS 32
Dday 5/24/06

be thankful at least that WH is there with you. but then yes, there will always be doubts. i really can't tell you anything helpful since i'm also in Plan B right now. Give it a year. Try to look for changes. It's better than wondering if you could have done much more.

If he has been with this woman for 2 years he may have developed an emotional attachment to her which can't just be turned off overnight. What kind of mood is he in? Is he OK or is he depressed? Has he offered to allow you access to every part of his life? Phone, email, credit card etc. Has he shown a willingness to let you check up on him any way you like?

If there is any reluctance on his part he is trying to hide soemthing and if that's the case you cannot begin to heal the relationship.

Is your marriage worth saving? Hard question to answer. What has the relationship been like up to now? Has it been worthwhile from your point of view? Without children it's easier for you to cut your losses and move on but is that what you really wnat or is it just how you feel right now? A good rule of thunb is to wait 90 days after the affair is genuinely over and both of you start to calm down before making any decisions about your future. At that point you can more accurately decide what to do next.

But if he continues contact with this woman you cannot begin the recovery process. That's a certainty. That's your first goal, before making any longer term decisions.

One other point. You don't know what a future relationship might or might not hold for you. If you leave this marriage without giving it a shot at success you are going into the new relationship knowing that when the going got really tough you gave up.

Your feelings are pointing you in that direction right now but there is a greater good here, for you and him and the marriage.

This site will help you a lot. Hang in there.

Do you still love your H?
You must answer that first. If you're not sure, and it's quite understandable after such a blow, give it some time to see if you want to stay married.

It's a good thing you're in counseling w/Steve Harley. He will direct you both through this nightmare.

Your H must open his life to you now. It seems he has. Your trust will not come back for a while and he has to expect that.

I agree w/grxannm, try. If you simply can't stay at least you gave it your best effort and won't wonder about it in future years.

The feelings you are experiencing are completely normal. It is so early in this mess for you to be able to make sense of anything.

You hold all of the cards now. It's up to your H to show by actions his remorse. Keep up the counseling, pray for God to guide you, ask for His will. I promise you'll see brighter days whatever you decide.

Blessings for peace. Keep reading and posting, you'll receive lots of help. You may want to move this to general questions 2 for more answers.