Hi.

I'm in a frustrating situation. My W has established a completely separate identify outside of our marriage. She has friends I have never met. She has a cell phone that she always keeps locked. She talks to a man over the phone that tried to talk her into leaving me. She has told me many times she is bisexual, and I have seen messages to other men where she tells them she makes out with a friend of hers. Shes stays out over night at a "gay" male friend's house.

I'm so angry right now I just want revenge. Everything I just wrote looks absolutely pathetic. I'm reading and wondering "Why have I put up with this for so long?"

All of this goes back to something stupid I did two years ago. I was in an emotional affair with a coworker. I completely cut things off with the coworker. Since then, my wife has strived to establish a separate life from me.

I am now so desparately lonely. I live in a city with only my wife. My family is on the other coast, and I have no friends here. I feel like I am the butt of the joke. I have no control over anything but my own reactions. I refrain from being one of those jealous husbands who goes calling her friends or following her. But I can't take this sense of powerlessness anymore.

I just needed to post a message somewhere to get this all off my chest. How do I move on?

-Sojourner

Welcome to MB! You have found a good site here, and there are lots of good posters. I am not sure though, if this section of the board is the best spot for it, as it gets less traffic than either the Emotional Needs (EN) or General Questions boards. Many folks will just not see it due to the location.

For starters, there is a lot of good reading on this site - and there is a lot that you can do on your own. Start with eliminating the Love Busters that you project. Fill her emotional needs as best you can, and as you once did. Be completely open and honest.

Best of Luck!

SoJourner

Also try posting on the infedelity forum - General Questions II. Since you are both dealing with affairs...and obviously have never recovered. And your wife is stepping all over you now...you have no boundaries.

Have you read the Harley's books? Have you made changes you need to make to be a good husband? It to me sounds like your wife may have a sexual addiction - have you guys saught marriage councelling???

You are not powerless, but you are allowing her to have the power...

You can't control her - but you can control you and how you react, which changes her reactions...you can set boundaries, you can attempt to have a marriage where you are both happy...but her ongoing affairs will need to be addressed.

Thank you both for the great advice. At this point, I don't even know if I am going to try to make this thing work anymore. We don't have any children. We've been married seven years, what's the point? We've always had very contrary interests. I'm so tired of the pain at this point that I just want to move on. She seems to have a half-dozen guy friends all of whom are trying to get with her. For her it seems to be about the attention, but I'm so angry I can't compete with them. I'll post more in the other forum. Thanks.

secrets...

Harleys will alot of the times advise if you dont have children to cut your losses...Interests being contrary aren't a good excuse - however her apparent sexual addiction and inappropriate friendships are.

What you need to figure out before you move on though is what allowed you to have an EA...and blaming her isn't a good excuse...cause there were many OTHER ways to handle things than getting into an affair.

Do this for yourself, before you head into another relationship

Also look at this things you may have done that your wife may have reacted to...change those things for YOU and for your next relationship.

If you stay - all these things STILl need to be changed...there have always been two of you in the relationship...