Post deleted by Rosemary53

Welcome to MB. Sorry u have t/b here but you may need t/d some reading.

1st of all you want your H back but the one living w/u and your family is the WS. Learn the difference and get a plan going.

Please read the following:

1. Concepts section above.
2. take the emotional needs questionnaire. Once as yourself and 2nd time as your H. Then ask if he will take it. If he doesn't no sweat.....

3. Read: Surviving an Affair & His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. Harley.

4. Expect the OW to cause trouble. She sounds like a real loser and gets her kicks from trying to make others look bad. Use that info to your advantage.

As for your H having feelings for a stranger....that's part of why the A is dangerous. We tell our children don't talk to strangers.....see what happens even when adults with a warped mind to the same? They are suspectible.

You get a plan going 4 u. After you do your reading, call Steve Harley @ MB for some phone counseling.

NOTE: The OW wants to replace you. You can't control the WS but you can control what the OW does to you. Realize the OW will try to hurt you through him. Let him know you are aware of his 'bad association' and that you will NOT allow evil people into your family. Expect him to defend her.

Work on exposure. Nip this in the bud ASAP.

Let us know how you are doing. Calling Steve is important.

take care,
L.

Your story sounds similar to mine. When i first found out, i kicked myself to pieces; but there's never an excuse to betray your spouse!

We've been in counselling for about 3 months now. Things are looking up. We have our ups and downs and I think he realizes (now) that the OW is just a fantasy. I asked him one day to give me three positive things about her (other than her appearance); he couldn't come up with even one.

Is the OW married?

That's my two cents. I hope you can get into some counselling. His Needs, Her Needs really helped us as well as Chapman's "Five Love Languages." Good luck!

Get the books recommended, they really help you see what is going on in a different light, making possible for you to make choices. Read up on this web site, everyone here can be very helpful MANY have been where we are. Make sure to eat and to sleep, MUST take care of yourself first before we can be there for others including our bundles of joy, otherwise know as our children, your son needs you too.

DW, you are fortunate in that you have found MB and will have a CHANCE to save your marriage from your years long abuse. You sound exactly like me in my last marriage, except I was not fortunate enough to find MB and lost him. I mistreated my H for years until he found someone who didn't. It was like a starving man discovering an all you can eat buffet. Once he saw that, he was a goner.

But you have a chance to save your marriage if you do your best to undo the damage in your marriage and ATTRACT HIM back. Find out what his top emotional needs are and learn to meet his needs. He wont' believe you at first, but with some time and consistency, you may convince him of your changes.

Additionally, i would work on creating as much conflict as possible in the affair in a strategic, smart way. Don't TELL him this affair is a "fantasy," it is very real to him. But let's discuss some exposure opportunities here. Who is the OW? Is she married? What does she do? How close is your H to his parents? Who are some KEY people in his life who would have the most influence?

Post deleted by Rosemary53

DW, he should not be reading this thread. We can't help you bust up this affair if he is reading here. There are things we need to tell you PRIVATELY at this point. Can you keep him off this thread until yall get to the point of recovery? Otherwise, there is not much we can do for you.

The book you need the most right now is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can get fast, cheap shipping from this website.

Post deleted by Rosemary53

DW, its unlikely that the affair is over this early in the game. As you can see, he is having trouble staying away from her and has already been over there since he promised to end contact. Since he is going to be reading your thread, there isn't much we can do to help you bust up the affair, which has to happen before recovery can begin.

Your marriage is under assault from an affair and you don't seem to understand this. You are openly discussing your battle plan, which means you are disarming while being fired upon. You have no hope of defending your marriage this way. Good luck...

p.s. PM's are turned off on this forum so folks can't send you PMs.

yes, you are wrong.

As you can see if you have read posts on this site, that most affairs do not end without some exposure.

Why in the world would you show him your plan for breaking up his affair?

The only thing that does is allow him to know your next move and plan his accordingly.

This site does not allow private messages.

Your post asks for good advice- you have been getting very good advice yet you are not following any of it.

Maybe you should get a new screen name-at least change the name here on this thread and change the title.

Mel gives great support but if your WS knows u r here, then let's make the best of it. Don't stop him from reading. The rest of us are just gonna have to post so that maybe, just maybe we can help. Now it can also backfire for a time so be patient, ok?

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Read the bood Mel recommended along with His Needs/Her Needs (both r by Dr Harley). A good tool is learning to reverse babble. Don't matter he knows I wrote this....real WS' can't reverse babble....LOL!!!! They just talk out of their butts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Yea, let him see this post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Work with what you have and with proper support u w/b fine.
Remember to strengthen yourself 1st, let the WS shed his WS skin and change back into your H. Give him space and time t/d that. If he moves toward the OW, read up how plan B can help U 1st.

take care,
L.

Post deleted by Rosemary53

What you are going through...many of us that were betrayed went through the same thing. My ex would tell me he has not contacted the other woman. I found out he got another cell phone and that was their way of contact. For she lived distantly. At this stage...the lies continue. They don't want the exposure that they are the BAD ones. That they are the ones having the affair. They don't want anyone interfering in the affair. Yes, my ex told me he loved the OW and only loved the OW. He told me he never loved me at the altar. My oldest child told me that dad never loved me and he loves the OW. Those words really hurt.

I have been divorced for 4 years...those words were the words of a man overcome by euphoria. He had a new woman in his life that he has not been with totally 24/7. He didn't know her quirks and habits that could be offensive. They, like Orchid said...think/talk out of their butt.

I would recommend counseling along with reading the valuable material offered. In order for this marriage to be saved, there needs to be no contact with the OW. Counseling with the Harleys or counseling with a reputable firm is a must. Also, you need to take care of yourself. Yes, these words hurt deeply...and you will wonder if you are going insane. Been there, done that.

Not to scare you, I would also, check your banking accounts and other assets that you have. This was warned to me during the affair from counseling and I said 'oh no my ex would not do that'. Well, I found out that he was VERY capable of doing that. They do not think, they react and this is where the road becomes very rough.

You need to set boundaries for yourself, which is in the books. For you need to protect yourself and your emotional status.

Keep posting, for there is much valuable information here offered. Try to see about counseling with the Harleys.

Will watch your posts....Blessings....LoveinHim

Post deleted by Rosemary53

Smart move in changing your name. Now we can get to work here and folks can help you. The first thing you should understand is that you SHOULD NOT TRUST him. He is untrustworthy. He has been lying to you for months so it would be insane to trust him now. Trust must be EARNED and he must earn it back.

The way you know for sure the affair has ended is by SPYING on him. Place a keylogger on his computer that tracks everything he does including 2 way chats. Check his cell phone bill and if you suspect he is still talking to her, place a voice activated recorder in his car.

But most of all, YOU CANNOT TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT THAT CONTACT HAS ENDED. Talk is cheap with a WS. You must independently verify what you are told.


Secondly, I did not ASK you to expose, but asked you if there are any exposure opportunities. You have not answered that question yet. WHO KNOWS? Who is this OW and is she married? In exposing the affair, who did the telling?

Your husband needs to end this affair by sending the OW a NO CONTACT LETTER asking her to never contact him again. You can guage his sincerity about ending the affair with his reaction to this request. Will he send a nc letter? [sample below]

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Tell him that Dr Harley recommends that he send a no contact letter that is written by you BOTH and mailed by you asking her to never contact him again. Will he do that?

Post deleted by Rosemary53

Rosemary, this is classic "cake-eating". He wants both of you to be happy... and it just can't work like that. She will only be happy if he stays in her life... and leaves you.

Don't let sympathy for her or for your H stop you from doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your family.

He has hurt both of you... but now he needs to step up and make a choice. When you sympathize or allow this behavior, he is winning (or more accurately, you are all losing) because he doesn't have to make a choice.

Please listen to Melody Lane. It sometimes seems harsh, but I know. I didn't listen to her at first and I prolonged my recovery by about 6 months. When I finally got with the program, things started to happen for the positive. This is not a guarantee... but gives you a stronger chance.

The first step, IMO, is that you need to make a choice. Are you going to fight for your M... which may mean doing some uncomfortable things... or are you going to choose to allow "fate" to take its course and possibly watch your marriage dissolve. There is nothing wrong in making this choice. Maybe you don't want to expose and create more hardship for your H or your family... although, I think a broken marriage is the biggest hardship. Maybe you find this humiliating... and yes, we all do or did... until we really got it that the A is not your fault... it is a choice our WS made.

When you reach the point when you can call your spouse FWS rather than WS, then trust and respect and love is being built. Until that time, your WS is not the person you thought he was. He is confused, fogged, will deceive, and will be selfish. A battle plan is needed and your personal boundaries need to be decided and maintained.

Listen to the people who have helped many get through this. They can help you. In the end what is most important is deciding your boundaries and becoming a better person so that you can face whatever the outcome.

Patience.

Shaden

I suspected he wouldn't be open to sending a letter either, which tells me he is not done with his affair. BUT DO THIS ANYWAY. The fact that he is hiding his cell phone usage should tell you that. People who have nothing to hide, DON'T HIDE. People who are being open and honest do not react this way.

How do you know her husband has moved out? She is probably lying about this. Your best bet is to continue snooping [don't get caught] and to call the OW's H. He probably has not moved out at all.