Sorry to jump threads, but here is the background on my story.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1

I was planning on exposinig to my WW that I know about the A when we were meeting with the MC today. Late last night she came to me with a statement that gave me an inkling of hope that she was coming around. This morning reinforced it when she started talking to me about us being able to work things out. She was talking about us doing things together and making some decisions together. This is the nicest she has been to me in 2 weeks. She even is talking to me about moving somewhere where I would be happier.

Do I still expose at the session with MC today? I run the risk of killing any of that momentum. Or, do I see where her change of behavior takes us and expose when i think her and i are at a more stable place?

Of course you discuss the affair. You aren't going to have ANY momentum until the truth comes out. No honesty, no recovery. You won't be at a more stable place unless and UNTIL the truth comes out.

Well, first, why did you change your name again?

You don't have to change your name every time you start a new thread! How do you expect folks to keep up? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I agree with Mel - you have to expose the affair even if she suddenly did a complete turnaround - you just might have to go about the exposure a bit differently, IMHO.

AND - let's be more accurate > you're talking about your initial confrontation with your wife. Not "exposure" as it's commonly used.

So, if you sense a change in her, consider that in how you confront her. If the MC session is going better than your wildest hopes, work in your knowledge of her affair in a more subtle way.

Her: I think I want to start working on our marriage and I'm even willing to relocate!

You: Terrific! That's music to my ears! I'm certain we can rebuild a better marriage than either one of us dreamed! To do this, we'll have to explore what each of us was doing that led to the poor marital state that created temptation to seek comfort in another person.

Make sense?

You CANNOT pretend the affair didn't happen.

WAT

Thanks! I changed my name to make it hard for someone to follow me in case i am being watched.

Do you have reason to believe you're being watched?

WAT

Just paranoid right now.

I am going to bring it up...I just hope I can do it in the right way and not have it backfire on me. I realize that this has to get out in the open. I have to do a good job of communicating to her, that we can get through this together. I just hope she can come clean and not dissapoint me with more lies. If she does continue to lie, I have told myself not to judge her too harshly for that. She is still under the influence of the aliens.

Oh, she will very likely get livid and accuse you of thwarting the process by focusing on __________ (fill in the blank) instead of YOUR problems. Fill in the blank with any number of WS deflections like her privacy, her feelings, her whatever.

When this happens, don't consider it backfiring. You cannot ignore the affair.

If she ends up saying that OM isn't the problem - agree with her! OM isn't the problem - but he's also not the solution! The problem was the poor state of the marriage and it cannot get better with the distraction that OM represents.

WAT

I wouldn't have looked at it that way...thanks!

I expect her to continue trying to tell me that they are just friends and that nothing has happened and it's nothing more than that. I know that's not the truth, but don't know how to handle the fact that she is lying to my face.

You know by now that "just friends" is straight from the WS screenplay.

You might respond, "'Just' friends don't need secrecy. Perhaps the three of us should do something together. If there's nothing going on, that would be appropriate, huh?"

But the better response is "I know and you know that it's not "just friends."" Hopefully the MC will do his/her job, recognizing the "just friends" defense as the #1 first reaction of infidels.

WAT

I've tried to contact the MC today and give her the heads up as to what is going to happen so she can help us out with that.

I have been practicing so that I can control my urgency to get angry. I know that will only make things worse. I've got to be calm, compassionate, and sympathetic.

Does the MC know of the affair?

He/she may try very carefully to not take sides or even speak out against infidelity. Don't get discouraged unless he/she actually provides some affirmative reinforcement for an affair, or downplays its significance. If he/she is simply neutral, this isn't such a bad thing > by remaining neutral your wife isn't "defined" as the bad guy and will be less inclined to get up and walk out.

This is a real balancing act that good counselors can handle. My message to you is NOT to expect the MC to take what you (and us) to be the obvious, necessary position. Do you understand what I'm saying?

WAT

I do and i teed up the counselor so that she could prepare to conduct herself in whatever way is most appropriate. I feel this is a conversation between my ww and myself that needs to happen in a safe environment, in front of MC. If need be I am prepared to leave the room after i reveal so that ww and mc can talk about my wife's feelings and emotions and hopefully help ww make sense of her actions and decisions.

Please elaborate on what the MC communicated to you after you informed her of the affair.

Do not voluntarily leave the room unless the MC requests it. Let her do her job until such time as she demonstrates she isn't doing it well. We'll help you figure that out.

Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements when speaking to your wife. "I feel hurt when you....." Not, "You hurt me when you....." See the difference?

WAT

I just got back from MC. It didn't go like i planned but it is out in the open. she didn't deny it, but she didn't completely fess up to it. she said they have been friends for a long time. nothing physical ever happened. there is a connection there, but she doesn't want a relationship with him (i know that's not true).

i don't know when she will come home or even if she does. i told her that i would be willing to talk through this and try to get past this so we could work on us. she didn't answer me.

what should i do when she gets home?

I am now getting all the vile and anger spewed at me that everyone said i would. She did come home but she will not talk to me at all. I tried calmly to talk to her and she says that she has nothing to say to me. If i say anything else she says what part of i have nothing to say to you don't you understand. Those are the only words I have heard since she came home.

I guess i need to bunker down and wait this out or should i start exposing to family? I'm afraid if i expose to family she will resent me forever.

What was the MC's reaction/recommendations?

What's your sense of what family members know?

Further exposure will very, very, very likely be necessary. The question is not "if" but "when and how". This goes back to the carpet bombing vs surgical strikes - all at once vs a little at a time. There are pros and cons to each approach.

She will absolutley, positively, no question - resent you upon further exposure. But "forever"? Hardly. Days or weeks - but no more than that. But for that time you will be scapegoated. No matter what bothers her, your exposure will be the root evil. Just get ready for this and hunker down into your mantra - marriage and family is to be preserved. In sickness and in health. OK?

WAT

sfi....I have been lurking for a bit on your situation.

Look...I will address this differently than some but it is with good intention. Some may even call this smacking you with a 2x4...

WAKE UP..SHE ALREADY RESENTS YOU!!!! She already has so little respect for you that when confronted with the truth she continues to disrespect you by not talking to you??!! You need to stop pussyfooting around and EXPOSE this physical affair today!! Are you ok with another man having his way with your wife?? Then EXPOSE...Any delay is simply allowing it to continue under cover of darkness...you're basically saying "if I ignore this or simply gather more proof (are you looking for the video??)...then I don't need to face her infidelity WITH HER!!

like vampires (and cockroaches)they will hiss at exposure of daylight and scurry away....

There...I have said it sir, with no disrespect....

I will never understand how a man is aoried his wife will "be mad" at him for being a man and standing up to their crap....make a choice and man up...

Stop the affair and make a bonified attempt to save your marriage or divorce her...for being an infidel....just cause...in the eyes of God and the law....

I wish you well...

No offense taken. I agree with your points. You are right, she is disrespecting me by not talking about it. I have pretty much made up my mind that if she can't be honest with me, I will never be able to trust her and this marriage will not work, thus i need to move forward with a D. I would assume that the best way to expose is to do it face to face.

The MC recommended that we leave there and talk about this together. Obviously that didn't happen.

I think her mom may know, but to what extent I'm not sure.

You guys have been a big help. I'll probably be leaning on you a lot over the next couple of days.