I am a year into the best relationship of my life. At 47, (male, after a painful divorce, I finally found a great partner who is a good friend, and lovely person. We have been seeing each other a year and living together for the last eight months. My problem is that Laurie has kept in contact with an old boyfriend and lover. Over the past year, details about "bill" have emerged slowly - Laurie says she loves him, but only as a friend, and that he is an important person from her past. I found out that last year, just before we met, bill, married, came to town (he lives a great distance away) and tried to re-ignite things with Laurie, but she refused. Yet, she maintains and encourages the friendship. Laurie has never given me any reason do doubt her - and I believe that she is sincere in tellin me that she has no intention of hooking up with bill.
However, a few months ago, I learned that bill is now getting a divorce. And their high school reunion is coming up and Laurie has encouraged bill to attend. He is now coming to town again, and Laurie has told me that she intends to "hang out" with him, and she hopes I have no problems with that.
I trust Laurie, but this is hard to bear. Am I being foolish? I don't want to create discord in an otherwise great relationship with petty jealosy or possessiveness. Comments please....

No, you are not being foolish. Many people are naive about the dangers of exposing their marriages to affairs. Before I came to this site, I frankly didn't think about it much myself, believing rather the opposite...how cool it was to trust each other enough to have opposite sex friendships.

Dr. Harley is right, ANYone can fall into an affair.

Harley quote: We all have it, you know -- a predisposition to be unfaithful. Given certain conditions, we can all have affairs, destroying the happiness of our spouse, our children, our extended families, our lover, and ourselves. Those conditions should be avoided at all costs, don't you think?

I think opposite sex friendships are just fine...those that INCLUDE the spouse. Any contact away from the spouse should be conducted as if the spouse IS present. In other words, nothing said or done in their absence that would not be done or said right in front of them. If that type of trust has been established, great. If not, include the spouse with any contact, or have none at all.

I certainly hope you plan on attending the reunion with your W?

Tell her yes, you do have a problem with her hanging out with Bill. Use "I feel" statements. "I feel [insert feeling--hurt, nervous, jealousy, alarmed, unsettled?] about you spending time with Bill without me, particularly now that he's divorcing. He's at a vulnerable time in his life. I would feel more comfortable with the situation if I am included. Would you be willing to plan it that way?"

You must go with her to hang with him if she insists on doing it. Already she is having an emotional affair with him. It shows she loves you but not enough if she is eager to start up an emotional and maybe physical friendhship with him. You should meet him and talk to him definitely. And let him know to stay away from your wife.

As I see it, Laurie is not (yet) your wife, and that makes things a little more difficult. You have not, as far as I know, pledged to forsake all others. I really do not know how each of you perceives your relationship so do keep that in mind.

If you were married though, you would/should/must POJA this issue. Likely you would go with her, meet Bill and ensure do as Stella says. Or better yet, she would see that such a relationship is a non-starter and move on with her life. Dr Harley writes at length about this issue in Part 3 of Love Busters - if you can, both of you should read that.

All the best!

Although you and the girlfriend are not married, I think Lucks has some very good advice.

Well done, Lucks!

Sounds to me like you have some genuine competition. I'd be doing some diamond shopping if I were you--a little something to dress-up her manicure for the reunion.

The last 4 people I knew, including my best friend, my sister and my ex husband, who insisted on being good friends with someone of the opposite sex all had affairs and/or got divorced. I'm sorry that isn't very comforting but I think your concerns are very well founded and should be responded to respectfully. I've seen the devastation that these "friendships" cause.

When I am in a relationship,I am 100% dedicated to making it work and building a good foundation. A good foundation includes the willingness to make a few sacrifices for the well being of the beloved.This means if I'm trying to hang out with an old ex "friend" and my partner feels bad about it, well, I won't hang out alone with that person. The primary relationship is just to valuable to let anyone come between it.

It includes accountability to protect the relationship and at least a modicum of loyalty to it. It means forsaking all others. It means acting in the best interest of the long term survival of a partnership.