I am a year into the best relationship of my life. At 47, (male, after a painful divorce, I finally found a great partner who is a good friend, and lovely person. We have been seeing each other a year and living together for the last eight months. My problem is that Laurie has kept in contact with an old boyfriend and lover. Over the past year, details about "bill" have emerged slowly - Laurie says she loves him, but only as a friend, and that he is an important person from her past. I found out that last year, just before we met, bill, married, came to town (he lives a great distance away) and tried to re-ignite things with Laurie, but she refused. Yet, she maintains and encourages the friendship. Laurie has never given me any reason do doubt her - and I believe that she is sincere in tellin me that she has no intention of hooking up with bill.
However, a few months ago, I learned that bill is now getting a divorce. And their high school reunion is coming up and Laurie has encouraged bill to attend. He is now coming to town again, and Laurie has told me that she intends to "hang out" with him while he is in town, and she hopes I have no problems with that.
I trust Laurie, but this is hard to bear. Am I being foolish? I don't want to create discord in an otherwise great relationship with petty jealosy or possessiveness. Comments please....

TTC

Study these boards. The most pervasive and spiteful affairs are with ex partners. Hope is not a plan.

There are things called 'personal boundaries'. These are inviolable laws of how people will allow themselves to be treated.

They mean you will not tolerate being in a relationship where these boundaries are persistently violated.

I would not allow ongoing contact with an ex, particularly one 'loved' by my wife. But this may not be a dealbreaker to you.

You need to work out what you will tolerate and what you won't.

There are many resources for marrigebuilding on this site and I guess many are just as applicable to cohabiting rather than married people.

The situation you described here REEKS of affair IME. REEKS.

All blessings

Tomorrow marks my one year anniversary of the day I found out my husband of 23 years was in an affair with his high school sweetheart.

KiwiJ, Mrs W and several more I can not remember right off all had affairs with old flames. Listen to Bob Pure above

Dr Harley says to avoid reunions even there is a possibility a former lover will be there.

Old Flame Peril...

History + Newness = TIMEBOMB...

ILL ADVISED...

Mrs. W

go to reunion with her as her adored guest

Pep

moveforward,

Quote: Dr Harley says to avoid reunions even there is a possibility a former lover will be there

I believe this to be incorrect. Dr Harley sates that there should be no contact with a FORMER AFFAIR partner.

If we all moved because we could run into a former boyfriend/girlfriend, we would make U-Haul richer than they already are

Dr Harley did say that exactly on his radio show I did not make it up.

Whatever Dr Harley did or didn't say this is a complete and sure fire recipe for absolute and total disaster.

I would be very interested to see the look on her face if you casually mentioned that you would like to accompany her to the reunion. I can almost guarantee what looks will flicker across her face before she says "oh that would be silly, you don't know any of them, it would be boring for you etc etc etc". My H didn't stop me going to the funeral with my old boyfriend (who became the OM) for exactly the reasons you are stating, despite his very serious gut feeling that he should. He didn't want to look petty and he didn't want me to think he didn't trust me.

Even if she has no intention whatsoever of rekindling with "Bill" it is tempting fate in a way that fate shouldn't be tempted.

I would be very, very, very, very worried about Bill, even if you trust your g/f.

You have been given a very rare opportunity, to stop something before it can go further. Most people on here would have given their right arms for that opportunity.

take it from me...my ww of nearly 30 years left me for her high school boyfriend. do everything in your power to nip that one in the bud.

I beg to disagree... this is a quote from Dr. Harley fromt he Q & A section of this site...

"My advice to you is simple: Don't have friends who make your husband uncomfortable"

In addition... he also says that married couples should avoid former lovers... not just A partners.

Case closed. If you let your W go to this reunion without you... and with her friend... you are inviting disaster into your lives.

and this...

"Last week I got a letter from a man whose wife has a close friendship with his best friend (male). His friend and his wife do almost everything together recreationally. He wrote to say that I was dead wrong about his particular spouse, and that my advice that friends outside of marriage should be same-sex friends was paranoid."

I would agree not to let her go alone.

Just go through all the if, then scenarios you can imagine.

If any of them turn out to be something that you will not accpet you have the ability to stop them from happening.

Once she has gone without you you lose that ability. You actually have a chance to change the future right now. I would take it.

If you can't go then she shouldn't either. Forget about all the excuses. She will not be the only person there with a spouse that doesn't know anyone.

As a matter of fact aren't reuninons time to show off how great you have it. I would hope she would want to show you off as something great.

Old lovers + reminissing + alcohol may = regret.

Old Lovers + reminissing + alcohol + spouse = less chance of regret.

I think you're getting a pretty consistent message from the folks here. But you're getting an even clearer message from your girl (one that I get from my W); your feelings are secondary to her feelings for "bill". It doesn't need to get physical to be a cancer in your relationship. This is not a warning sign but rather a direct hit. You need to switch to survival mode.

I'm not attempting to be dramatic but if you don't get her to understand that this guy is a thorn in your relationship it is going to die a slow death. You're never going to get comfortable with the bill thing, right?

This is a no-brainer.

go with her.


Why would anybody want 2 go 2 a reunion like that without taking their SigOther with them?

HS reunions are idiotic for the most part, anyway.

-ol' 2long
P.S. Hi HINC!

Thanks for all the advice --!! Here's an update: I took the advice to tell her (by email) that I DID have a problem with the whole scenario and it was causing me pain. To my suprise, she called me tearful and told me that she was sorry to have been so insensitive to the dangers and to my feelings. She was adamant that she had no romantic feelings for Bill, but admittted that he probably did have some toward her. She then suggested that I go to the reunion with her and that she would make sure that while Bill was in town that she kept her contact to group kinds of activities.

HOWEVER... later, when we talked face to face, and I told her I appreciated her reaction and I would love to go to the reunion with her, I got definite reservation in her enthusiasm. She said she was concerned that I'd be bored or that she would feel like she had to caretake me, not knowing anyone.

Your advice prepared me and I said that there would be lots of spouses in my boat and I'd take care of myself. She agreed, but I am still uneasy.

Later still, she told me again that she had no feelings for Bill beyond a loving friendship, but that, going through a terrible time with his divorce, he needed to know that people cared about him and that he had friends. She said she was concerned that I did not trust her enough to believe that she could draw the appropriate lines, and that she did not feel that one partner should dictate the friendships of the other.

This is the first time in our relationship that this kind of tension has developed and I'm worried. Meanwhile, Bill has started calling her. He knows we live together, but she did not tell him we're engaged.

The time to draw these boundaries for your possible future marriage is NOW.

If you are engaged to a woman who PLANS to engage in behavior that you have come to recognize as being high risk..better to know before and decline than to learn later.

Not what you want to hear.

No one wants to hear that their marriage plans may be a no go *if* it is *truly* important to you that the foundation be secure.

Talk to her about boundaries and such..perhaps suggest an MB study course so that you will both be informed with regard to just how MUCH it will take to nurture and protect a marriage.

Too many people get caught up in the wedding and miss the crucial planning stage of the rest of thier lives.

It is very revealing that you posted this on an infidelity board..were you advised to repost here..or did your gut instinct lead you?

I'm going by instinct alone .. and experience. Future S is a wonderfully caring and honest person with great integrity, but sometimes very naive and trusting. Unlike her, I see the corrosive possibilities of being too close to someone who is not a friend of the marriage. I don't know Bill, but I don't trust in fate for this kind of thing. but FS is also very independent and wants to make her own decisions. This might be a bigger problem than I thought ... thanks for opening my eyes.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and the info in as complete as possible delivery.

See what she says.

Third:

The phone call shows some progress, but you're far from out of the woods yet.

This "friendship" has "Danger, Will Robinson!" written all over it. This friend should NOT be getting comfort from ANY female at this time, until he's recovered completely from his divorce (in a couple of years, definitely not now), and MOST DEFINITELY not from someone in a committed relationship. If he's having trouble with his DV, he needs help from a professional, not an old flame.

Keep this on the table, no matter what. They should not meet without you present. They should not talk on the phone without you on the line as well.

-ol' 2long

My H had a year long affair with HS sweetheart he reunited with at their reunion. I could not attend, I had to drive our boys to Scout camp. His affair resulted in a child, a near divorce for us and excruciating pain. At two years out, I still can't say I am recovered and I realize I may never really be.

But I am sure it would have never happened if I had attended the reunion! He hadn't talked to her in 25 years and it happened in one night. I totally trusted him and it never occurred to me that he would have an affair with someone at the reunion.

Your fiancee already has someone waiting to see her, who has been calling her. You need to go. If it causes a fight, something is wrong.

Be strong. This is important!!