I have been staying away because I have made a mess of things.

Soon after seeing OW at the store, I embarked on a PA of my own with a member of my pool league. Yes, he's the one that I went on the date with a couple of months back.

Rationalizations that don't mean squat include:
1. Revenge/Retaliation
2. Loneliness
3. Told myself it would lessen the hurt
4. Told myself it would help me move on
5. Thought it would bolster my waning self-esteem

In reality:
1. I have no real feelings for this man. I like him but am using him for my own purposes without much regard for his feelings. I made an impulsive decision that has been spiraling out of control because I lack the guts to tell him I made a mistake
2. It only makes me miss WH more
3. It makes the hurt worse
4. It has further eroded my self-esteem. This is not who I am. I have never been this callous and I don't like it

Not much contact with WH. He came out to pool last week and we talked a little bit. Both of us choked up on occasion, but he has made no move toward reconciliation. Not sure if A is still ongoing. Neither OW of OWH are working right now so meeting would be tough....but not impossible.

I guess I hate being in limbo but this current mess is even more uncomfortable. I know I need to end this PA of mine, but (isn't this ridiculous??) I don't want to hurt this man. I know....I should have thought of that before.

I have been reading posts from KiwiJ and Suzet* and they scare me. I'm not sure I could deal with another A or more contact. This false recovery just about did me in. Melody Lane posted once that a false recovery was a fate worse than death and she was right.

It has been 6 months on Wednesday since I found out and WH left. According to MB, that is only 1/4 of the usual time it takes to wait to see if the marriage can be saved. If I have made a mess of things thus far, imagine what I could do with the remainder of the time.

I know what I need to do, I guess I just need support, so that is why I am posting this.

Oh lizzy.

FOR YOU - end this PA...and get on the right road...this is not the way to gain confidence and heal - the route you are on only fudges you up even more...

Sadly you may have ruined all chances at reconciliation at all...while many here have survived both affairs (like myself, LA, etc) many do not...

You are minimizing your affair greatly...just so you know - just like your H's affair wasn't your fault...you can't blame this on him...this is all YOU

Hi there.

As one fallen human to another I am sorry for the pain you are in right now. You know what you need to do but our feelings and needs can make us do very bad things if we let them.

I’m guessing that this latest development will make things worse before they get better. You’re obviously not over your husband despite his behavior but a your PA wont make recovery, yours, his or your marriage any easier. But you know all that right?

You don’t need me to tell you what’s right. But here’s something that has really helped me lately, even though I don’t have an answer yet. What is it about me that would let me make such self destructive choices, let me do something that I know wont help me and wont get me where I need to be? Coming to grips with that has helped me stay focused even when the pain is bad.

My mission now is “No more stupid choices”, no matter what the outcome for my marriage. Just no more stupid choices for me is a major improvement.

Lizzy,
I am sad for you.

You need someone to talk to....
A Partner.........
Someone to laugh with.......
And someone to love.

Please don't accept substitutes - please hold out for the real thing.

You know what you need to do?

Let your feelings out - we care.

This will not be easy.

SS

Liz, Liz, Liz.

Cut this guy off and file for divorce.

Relocate.

Find a new recreational outlet - at least a different one. You can no longer attend the same pool league and be a classy lady to them or to yourself.

WAT

"You can no longer attend the same pool league and be a classy lady to them or to yourself."

Believe me WAT, I know what a mess I have made of things. You have no idea how much self-loathing I feel. I thought I was a much stronger person.

Thanks for the honesty.

Liz - I gave it to you straight because I know you can handle it.

Start handling it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Get the self-loathing over with. It's not a bad thing - rather, it's necessary to recognize the potential that remains within and is much more durable.

WAT

I have ended things with the other man.

I have seen and spoken to my WH. I actually initiated the conversation the other night (BTW, he is showing up where I am more and more). He says he is not still seeing OW (I know this is probably a lie), but that he still thinks he has done too much damage to come home, doesn't want to go to counseling, knows that the boys are very angry with him, etc. I asked him why he has not filed for D. He said that he wasn't ready to make things that final.

I told him I had ended my A, that it was a mistake made out of loneliness and revenge, and that I wanted my M to work, that I would not be the one to file for a D.

I definitely laid my cards on the table again. He sounds like he is still in the fog, still running away, and still sitting on the fence.

Not sure if I should Plan B again. I am in a state of constant turmoil...not eating or sleeping. I will have to hibernate as he is everywhere that I am lately.

Six months past D day and this still sucks.

Hi Liz - do you really want the marriage?

It's easy to say you do as a way of avoiding admitting that you don't. Fear of change or fear of admitting "failure" (although I'd argue against any failure logic) may be at play in some folks.

Well, your Plan B - if you do it again - would have to specify he keep his distance. This doesn't mean he would, of course. What did he do the first time - I can't remember?

What about your first Plan B was felt as turmoil?

WAT

I DO want the marriage....yet I am afraid that there are larger issues not yet out in the open. I tend to analyze and overanalyze, however, and have been known to make mountains out of molehills.

My first Plan B was only 3 weeks long. WH pushed OW for a decision about leaving her H because he knew that there was someone interested in me. When she dumped him, he came to me with his "I'm sorry" letter. After a couple of weeks, he backed away saying that he couldn't face the consequences of what he had done.

My first Plan B was not turmoil...much sadness initially followed by a sense of relief.

The fact that WH seems to show up at places where I am makes me think that another Plan B is a good idea as I am indirectly providing EN's for him. Most importantly, seeing him is hard for me. If it wasn't, I would just use those occasions to try to make some sort of connection with him again.

On the other hand, I am usually with his brother when he shows up..usually playing pool...so maybe it really has nothing to do with me at all. See, there I go analyzing again.

Anyway, for review, I sent the following letter to him just after seeing OW at the store and at the same time I started my PA. Warning, it is long and very emotional. I had wanted to reply to the letter he sent me.

"Scott,



This is a letter in progress. My intention right now is to just write what is in my heart. I might fine tune it later; I might leave it as is. I will read over this every few days and see if I still feel the same. I want to make sure that I answer your letter as completely and honestly as I can. Maybe giving you this look into my heart and soul is more than you deserve, but I have always been completely honest with you and I don’t want that to change now. I have never kept my heart a secret from you.



Today, I feel like I have finally reached a decision about what is next. There is no more us. The moon and stars have fallen out of the sky and only darkness remains. This whole thing completely blindsided me and I have been in an emotional whirlwind since August, trying to figure things out. I think the biggest struggle for me has been trying to reconcile the man I married with the man who cheated on me. Sadly, I have come to realize that the man I married no longer exists. Somewhere along the way he disappeared. The man I married would have never cheated on me. That man was honest and loyal. He loved me like crazy and would never have hurt me. That man couldn’t stand to see me upset or hurt. He would take me in his arms and comfort me, he would tease me and make me laugh if I was sad, he respected me, he cherished me; I was everything to him.



Or so I thought. Along comes a skanky ****, putting it out there for anyone who wants it at the company and no one will touch it with a 10 foot pole. Not the single guys, not the guys who are in unhappy relationships. Scott, the man with everything, takes her up on the offer. It doesn’t matter that he’s married, it doesn’t matter that she’s married, because it’s just soooooooo special between the two of them. All of a sudden, Scott is unhappy and has been for a long time. How easy it is to rewrite history. And poor Toni, with a husband who emotionally abuses her. The fact of the matter is that Toni is a professional cheater; RJ is the poor b*stard who loves her and works 2 jobs to support her and their 4 children, and forgives her every single time she cheats on him. She would be crazy to give that up and she didn’t. And you are still stupid enough to think that you were special to her. Wonder who’s doing your thinking? Bottom line is IF you both were SO unhappy you should have made the appropriate moves to end your marriages before you started f'king. That would have been real, not the pathetic little fantasy world you both created. She’s been playing a game and you’re the one who lost. She still has her family, her husband, her life, and another notch in her belt. She will now move on to the next guy. You threw away an eight year relationship, a wonderful wife, 2 sons that worshipped you, a happy home, and a GREAT life all for a piece of [censored] that many others have had and will continue to have. Real special. But you aren’t the only one who lost – I lost my husband and best friend, I lost the person I was going to grow old with; the boys lost their father, a man they looked up to and respected; we lost our family and our place in the Ns’ family and all that included. You had such an opportunity to show the boys how a real man owns up to his mistakes and fixes them and instead you showed them how to run away.



I have heard about how you two acted at work. Everyone there had known since October 2005. Toni dressed like a sl*t and threw herself at just about every man. John H actually told her to get off of him and go home and put some clothes on. Her behavior last summer – while you two were developing something soooooo special is very amusing actually. Along with the local cop, she was also seeing a black guy and thought she was pregnant by him. You were right in that she did want another child. I can see why as she is so committed to her children and to being a good mother. Doesn’t every good mother spend all of her time running around with a bunch of men while her children are at home? You should have told me that you find that kind of behavior attractive and wanted that in a partner. Stupid me, I was at home trying to be a good wife, searching the internet for options so we could have a child together, and crying myself to sleep every night while all the time you were chasing after someone else’s wife.



Strangely, I have no real animosity for Toni. SIL wants to go over there and beat the crap out of her but I wouldn’t waste my time. (Note 6-12-06 * Incidentally, I actually saw Toni on Saturday. I was behind her in line at the store and I know it was her because her name came up on the screen when they swiped her savings card. A million things went through my mind. I didn’t know whether I should introduce myself or confront her, but in the end, I decided that she just wasn’t worth my effort. From all that you said about her, I expected something really special. I was disappointed.) I have no respect for her as a woman or as a person. I feel for her husband and for her children. I think that any person who intrudes on another person’s marriage, no matter what circumstances they think might justify it, is lower than low. But the bottom line is that Toni didn’t owe me anything; she had no responsibility to me. You did. You made the promises, you took the vows. I hold you responsible. As far as Toni goes, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am by far the better person in every way. What does hurt is the fact that you felt that you loved her, that you shared that intimacy with her. What we built over 8 years was thrown away over a few conversations and a handful of ****** – none of it real. You tricked yourself into believing it was real and were ready to move in with her and THEIR four children and even have her carry a child for you. That’s what hurts the most. For years, I have said that my biggest regret was that we would never be able to share that experience together even though I was willing to try anything, and you took that pain and used it against me.



At first, my incredible inner strength and my belief that God was making this happen for a reason kept me just breathing in and out every day. In some ways, maybe the shock was a little easier because of the months of lies from August to December. I kept thinking that more was going on, but I had such faith in you. I have been up and down, sideways, diagonal, and inside out trying to make sense of this, and I am finally ready to accept that I will never understand this. I can only work to put it behind me. In June, 2005 she started at your company. In July, things were still great between us. You went out with your cousin and all you talked about to him was how happy you were and what a great thing we had. On August 10, you went to the racetrack. That was my first red flag. When you mentioned she was going, I remembered all the little comments you had made about her recently – how cute she was, where she lived, how Corey liked her, etc – and I mentioned that to you. You reassured me that she knew that you were “very happily married”. I still remember those words because I felt so reassured by them. I believed we were bulletproof. That day, when you didn’t call and you were late getting back, I knew something more was going on. I could feel the distance right up until you told me that you wanted a child, yet I knew somehow that she was involved. Again, things make no sense to me. You told me that on that day you told her that things couldn’t go any further because you were happily married, yet you kept things a secret from me and kept flirting with her. It didn’t take long for you to decide to pursue an affair. You still haven’t given me all the details, but I guess it doesn’t really matter now. You had a million chances to stop yourself and you didn’t. Likewise, you have had many chances since you told me but you haven’t.



I think that if you had immediately shown remorse and a willingness to make things right, we would have had a real good chance. But you just kept holding on and hoping that she would leave RJ because what she offered to you was so much better than what you had. You asked for a few days, a week, another week, and eventually that turned into months. I have been reading and counseling, trying to learn and grow and trying to hold on to us. I have been single handedly fighting this battle. I didn’t want to give up and when you finally came back, I was ready and willing to give my whole heart and soul to you again.



I am giving up now. Not once have you been sincere in your efforts. You are still hiding things from me. I believe in my gut that you are still seeing her. I told you that she is the kind of woman who will try to “get you back” when she thinks you are trying to make things work with your wife. It’s her little adrenaline rush. I thought that you were the kind of man who would step up to the plate. Everyone I have talked to has agreed with me. Your wishy washy behavior is not that of a man who is truly sorry and wants to make things right. You are still playing games with my love and my heart. For all I know, you may have been using me because you also know that Toni will try to get to you one more time if she knows I am involved. That’s the whole issue in a nutshell, actually. I don’t know who you are anymore. I can’t predict your actions, I don’t know your motives, and I no longer know your heart. What I do know is that you have been stringing me along, using me thoughtlessly and cruelly, and hurting me time and time again. You said in one of your letters “I said it in the beginning that I did not want to hurt you again, and then I did.” At what point do you think you STOPPED hurting me? All you did when you came back was drive the knife into my back a little deeper. For months I have been second best, someone to turn to if things didn’t work out with Toni – and even then, you really didn’t think I was worth the effort.



If you had been sincere, you would have manned up, grown a set of balls, stepped up to the plate, and accepted responsibility for what you had done. You would have thrown yourself at my feet and been willing to do whatever was necessary to make this work. And you wouldn’t have had to do it alone – I offered you my complete support. I said I’d fight WITH you. I said I was willing to forgive you and do whatever was necessary to put us back together. I was ready and willing to back up MY words with actions. You have no interest in any of that. You have no interest in what I feel or what I need. This is now, as it has always been, all about you. I was never even a consideration.



“I have done so much to destroy our marriage, and our family, that I honestly don’t see it ever healing. It’s my fault and I can’t undo what I have done. You should hate me more than the boys do. The fact that you don’t shows how wonderful a person you really are. You deserve so much more than I can give you, and you definitely deserve better than me. I do not deserve your love.” Blah, blah, blah, [censored]. You are using this as an excuse to run away instead of staying in the fight. Even worse than all of the lies you have told me are the lies you are telling yourself. All this crap about stepping aside and hoping for my happiness is just that…..crap. Tell yourself whatever you need to.



“I realize that over the past couple of years I have let some small issues snowball into gigantic problems because I never talked to you about them. Because of those problems I was often unhappy and sometimes angry, even though I did not show it. I didn’t show it because I didn’t want to create even more problems. As you can see I was caught in quite a circle. And then when the opportunity for the affair came along, I guess I was ready for it and wanted it.” More crap. That’s your excuse? That’s your justification? I thought we had what most people spend a lifetime looking for. And the very first time someone throws herself at you, you’re off and running. I think you better look deeper, Scott, if that is the best you can come up with.



“I am truly sorry for what I have done to you and the boys. It was a completely selfish act and it never should have happened. I betrayed my wife. Worse than that I betrayed my best friend. I punched her in the stomach and kicked her while she was down. I am disgusted with myself for allowing that to happen.” What is really disgusting is that you were given a second chance and you again threw my love away. Again, more [censored]. “I want you to know that even though I lied to you almost every day since August, I never lied when I told you I love you. I still do. You probably don’t believe that, but it is the truth.” Actions speak louder than words. Resisting the temptation in the first place would have proven your love. Even more importantly, taking the steps to right the wrong would have shown me your love. Try being honest with yourself. People take care of the things that they love – they fight for them and do whatever is necessary to hold onto them. Look up the word “love” in the dictionary. Love is about commitment and respect. Love was in our wedding vows: “Marriage is not only a commitment between lovers. It is also an agreement between two friends. You are now taking into your care and keeping the happiness of the one person in all the world whom you love best. You are adding to your life not only the affection of each other, but also the companionship and blessing of a deep trust as well. You are agreeing to share strength, responsibilities, and to share love.” We chose those words together. We made those promises. You lied to me. You never loved me. You jumped ship the first chance you got and then tried to say the ship had sprung a leak.



“I don’t know how to bring those walls down, and it seems that the more you try to knock them down the stronger I build them. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable enough with myself to open up and let you back in. Hopefully I will, but it just seems so far out of reach right now.” Another excuse to run away. How to bring the walls down? Counseling. Professionals trained and paid to help people work things out. You had everything to lose and nothing to gain. But perhaps that’s just my opinion. You’ve never acted like you were losing anything of any value whatsoever. You’ve only ever acted like I was disposable and not worth the effort; not worth the effort of keeping your **** in your pants or the effort of trying to put us back together. I reached so deep inside of myself to offer you forgiveness and another chance because of how much I love you and because of what we shared….and you just tossed it aside again like it meant nothing to you.



I have been having a hard time letting go of the man I loved so much. I kept thinking he’d be back. I guess it’s been so hard, because you were like my knight in shining armor. I always believed that you were out there for me and I knew that one day I would meet you and then, poof, we would live happily ever after. I didn’t know all the ****** I would have to go through to get to you. After I found you, all that ****** only made me appreciate you even more. That’s been my little fantasy, so believe me, I can relate to how hard it is to let go of a fantasy. I still want to believe what we had was real because it felt so good and so right. I thought it was magic. But at the end of the day, it was just a dream. A long one, but still a dream. The only real part of it was the love that I had for you. My part was real. I’m not sure what or if even any of it was ever real on your part. I wonder every day at what point you started lying to me. Was it before we got married? Was it on the day we got married? Our honeymoon? The night in July that we sat out by the fire and you held me and said that you didn’t think life could be any better? The day before you went to the racetrack? I don’t know what was real and what was not. You say you weren’t happy for a long time, but I don’t buy that. I KNEW you. I knew when something was wrong. I knew when you were hiding something. I just don’t know when you stopped loving me or if you ever really did. I thought you did. For a long time, you made me feel as though you loved me. But you threw it away so quickly and so easily….twice. All that’s left now are my memories. I have so many good ones but I am afraid that most of them were built on lies. I wish I could take comfort in those memories, but mostly, they hurt.



“I understand you're seeing Brian. I guess I never should have interfered with that in the first place. I apologize for that, for putting you through the heartache again.” I was THRILLED when you “interfered”. I thought great…he’s acting like my husband, my hero. He’s ready to fight for me and my love. It was the first time in such a long time that I felt like I meant anything at all to you. You’re right…it was a cruel trick to play on me. “I hope you can find the happiness with Brian that I am not able to give you.” You’re lying to yourself again. I was completely happy with you for eight years. I have never been happier in my life. You were ABLE to make me happy, you just chose not to once Toni came into the picture. I don’t know that I will ever be “happy” again. I have lost so much and if I am completely honest with myself, I know that I will never love anyone again the way that I love you. You were it for me – heart and soul, moon and stars, passionately, completely and deeply, without reservation, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". From here on out, I will be settling for companionship, contentment, friendship. There are now walls around my heart as well.



After some time, I will be okay. I will be able to put things in perspective and move on. Your letter tells me that I can take comfort in knowing that I did nothing wrong. There is NOTHING about this that will ever comfort me, but I will eventually make peace with it. You however, will have to carry this around forever as a big gaping hole in your heart. No good will ever come to you because you have failed to do right by me and the boys. Your lie will be a part of every relationship from here on out. If you fail to tell other partners, the lie will still be inside you and you will be trying to build a new relationship with a lie in the foundation. If you do tell them, you will have planted a seed of doubt for that person. Deep inside, you will know that you are a cheater, that you were unable to keep your promises, and that you ran away when you had the chance to make things right. It is a no win situation for you no matter what you do or how you try to explain it. Day after day, time after time, you have had the opportunity to make amends, to make things right, and you have failed. “I feel I have caused so much pain and heartache that I shouldn’t be near anyone I love, especially you.” More excuses, more [censored]. You have chosen to take the coward’s way out and run away. You will never be able to run fast enough or far enough.



“I do hope that no matter what happens we can somehow become friends again. I also know that no matter what happens I would like to help you finish things around the house. Everything I’ve done in that house I’ve done for you, and I’d like to be able to finish it for you. That would mean a lot to me.” Are you serious? Friends? Had you chosen to commit to our marriage we could have remained friends. You abandoned me. You abandoned our marriage. You abandoned our family. You abandoned your sons. You abandoned our dog, our home, our life. Right smack dab in the middle of everything, you bailed out. You have made your decision; we are all living with the choices that YOU made. Working on the house would make you feel better? What about me? Have you thought what it would be like for me…to have you here….as my “friend”….continuing with the lie that was our life? Of course you haven’t. Everything is about you. Besides, you can’t stand being around me or the boys or the house. They were all the things that you hated so much, the things that made you so unhappy, the things that led to the incredible happiness you found in your affair with someone else’s wife. Doing that would only serve to make you feel better. You could lie to yourself and pretend that you were being honorable or doing the right thing. There was only one right thing to do, and you ran away.



I will always love you Scott. I waited my whole life for you, and I knew it that first night I walked in to *****. I still believe we were meant to be together, or maybe I should say that I believe I was meant to be with you. I will never regret giving myself or my love to you, even though it has been the thing that has hurt me the most. I never knew how completely I could love someone or my capacity for forgiveness. I have learned a lot about myself and the kind of person I am. You truly got the best that I had to give. I’m sorry it wasn’t enough."


After I sent it, I didn't expect a response. But, he sent me this email:

"I've read your letter. I'd like to respond to it, but it may take a few days. I hope I can somehow let you see that the man you loved has not completely disappeared, and that to this day he has never stopped loving you."

I have not rec'd anything since. He did tell me the other night that my letter was filled with anger.

I seem to have lost all perspective and any ability for rational thought. Hence, my turmoil.

*edited to clarify the letter

Perhaps another Plan B is in order. My sense from your earlier post was that this wasn't an option, but your last post seemed to be more open about it.

What do you think about giving him a few more days to reply to your letter in more detail and if he doesn't, go to Plan B Mk II?

WAT

I sent him the letter on 6-12. I would have thought he would have answered by now, but...

We are meeting to take the dog to the vet this afternoon. I cannot handle the dog at the vet's..she freaks out there, so I asked WH to meet us there. I guess we'll see what happens, but I think another Plan B letter is a good idea.

Then, I'll hibernate. It seems as long as he knows where I am and what I am doing, and how to see me on occasion, he has no impetus to change the status quo. I hear the I love you's still, but he makes no moves towards reconciliation, and I just end up hurting. Plan B will take me out of the picture and maybe give me some relief.

Makes sense to me, Liz. Keep in mind that you'd be using Plan B for something other than what it's really for - to isolate you from the pain of an ongoing affair. Some may shudder at this, but IMHO your need is close enough to the classic purpose. Obviously you'd need to make the letter suit the circumstances including your conditions for renewing contact. You're no dummy, so I don't really need to point this out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Not much to report - haven't gone into Plan B again yet. Have only seen WH a couple of times with very limited conversation, but SIL says he does check up on me. Confused about what my next step should be.

I guess I should probably snoop and see if contact with OW is continuing.

WH is coming around more and returning to some of his other activities.

Still not convinced that Plan B is the way to go. Read another post about trying to attract him back (although that only works if OW is completely out of the picture, and like I said before - I'm not 100% sure).

He has made no steps towards reconciliation. I feel like I am in limbo - but that is not necessarily a bad thing.

Just wanted to share how I was feeling.

It bothers me when you send him a letter telling him what is needed, and he doesn't do it, or respond to it at length.

I suppose it bothers you even more.


Has he (as long as you have known him) always done what felt good to him no matter what your feelings?

Has he avoided communicating about it so as to be able to say he didn't realize you felt other than the way he felt about it?

There are questions you can ask/answer to help you make decisions.

SS

((((lizzie)))))

Hi, sweetie, I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you. I wish I could you more than comfort, but I feel you are in very good hands. IMO If you think I can help you, please feel free to ask, I will do the best that I can.

Take care of yourself the best that you can, and I'll check on later!

Hi SS

He has never been selfish or unfeeling up until the time of his A. He always took my feelings into consideration.

Got an email from a coworker of his. He is having a housewarming party and originally I was asked to go but he wanted me to know that my WH will be there and is "bringing someone". I am sure that this is not the OW so it looks like maybe he has moved on to someone else. Should I confront him and ask?

My heart is breaking all over again and I don't know what I should do.

Should I confront him and ask?

Would you get the truth?

If no, or maybe, then find a better source.

I am sorry your heart is breaking all over again.
That means you still have feelings for him. Perhaps it means to wait a little longer.

If he really is moving on to another person I suspect you won't keep waiting for him.

Why don't you call WH and ask him if he'll take you to the party. Be proactive, and see what happens.


SS thinks some more...........

I am sorry for the mess this has become. I can't see a good way out of it. You need to think on what you want. If you still want him (assuming that he repents, and is willing to work his butt off to make things right) then you need to wait some more.

Here are some things to consider trying -

Call him, ask him to take YOU to the party.

Go see him, and ask him to talk to you. Set a return time if he balks.

Call him, ask to come see him and talk.

Ask him to come see you -

I keep reading that bottom line on your sig line.
How are the boys?
What are they saying these days?
What are you saying to them?

How are every day things going for you. Can you cope OK?

This could go on, and on, I best let you alone.

May you find again.......... Joy in the journey.

SS

BIL called WH yesterday at work o talk to him and ask him if he is seeing someone else. WH denied that. I would like to think that he wouldn't lie to his brother but....

Anyways, boys are doing fairly well. 18 year old graduated from high school (along with a 2 year scholarship to the local community college! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). Have been putting a lot more time into being just Mom lately and trying to step away from my BS persona (saving that for when I am alone). We are again having FUN!! Went to see the Mets play the Yankees a couple of weeks ago and unfortunately the Yankees won <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />; taking in more movies, hanging out by the pool, etc...

SS...
Thought about your advice and sent this email to WH (after a sleepless night)

"Hi.

Well, it's been about a month since I sent you a letter and a couple of weeks since I went to see you.

I am still waiting for you to respond and "let you see that the man you loved has not completely disappeared, and that to this day he has never stopped loving you."

What does that mean - "not completely disappeared"?

I am at a loss as to why we are where we are if we both love each other. "Love conquers all" - you know how much I believe that.

Time and again I have laid my cards on the table. No games. No secrets. I have been honest and completely open with my feelings.

I have asked for the same from you. What are you afraid of? How can I help you? I truly want to understand.

I would like to be able to talk to you face to face....really talk. No more lies, no more half-truths. This isn't just going to go away. I don't know about you - but it's not getting any easier for me.

You know where to find me if and when you are ready to do this. I think it is something we both deserve."

In hindsight, I think I could have worded it much better....

(((Needing Comfort)))

Thanks for the thoughts. I'll try to catch up on your sitch soon.

^^^ bumping for me ^^^